I think about you a lot and wonder if you - whether it's the 'you' that I know or the 'higher self' you or the 'diamond facet' you (I like that one) - have a consciousness of this life still, or of my life? Is it like the movies/books/thoughts out there that would suggest that our loved ones that have passed on are somehow 'looking down' or 'watching over' us still here on Earth, in this consciousness or is it not like that at all... as I try to understand that I am part of a much 'larger' thing/consciousness, certainly bigger than me or any individual, I try to imagine how you might still be part of me/my life and my day to day living.
Do you somehow try to communicate / send me messages/signs/signals about what to do next or how to do something? Are you able to 'protect' me or 'help' me do things?
It sounds a little silly when I read what I've written - sounded so much more romantic in my head...
Do you read / hear /somehow know what I'm thinking and what I've been writing in this blog?
Margaret has said that in showing you the unconditional love in those last weeks/months of your life (it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of our time together in the last 6 months of your time with me) that I have somehow helped you to realise your higher self and higher purpose - I so hope that is that case. I hope that in your next existence on Earth that you are able to live a happier and more settled life...
I know you were happy, but I also know that you were somehow also hurt/angry/frustrated by things (I'm not even sure that you knew or were aware of it) - you were so quick to anger at certain things and so easily frustrated, especially by the kids.
I expect that you wouldn't have been overly pleased at how our household runs now that you're not with us anymore... Perhaps I should have tried harder to keep the same routines and expectations that you and I did as a couple but I just don't know that I could have - While it represented what 'we' as a couple felt, to be honest, I'm not sure that it still represents what me as an individual and now single parent feels... I want to continue providing structure and routine in our home, and I will but I know it looks different. And perhaps if it was the other way around, and it was you still here and not me, it would look different again.
The kids are still 'finding their feet' and their balance in this massive change that your passing has caused us, as am I... in general, we are okay. We are coping, we are moving forward, and we are missing you... you are in our thoughts (well, certainly in mine) in everything that I do - sometimes I think I am doing it how you would have and sometimes I realise that I can do things differently because it's just up to me - I try to follow my 'heart' and intuition, and trust that the Universe will provide.
I often tell myself that "I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing", and feeling that I am always moving towards my higher good/purpose (although I can't say that I know what that is)... I am thinking about a few things as part of my future - 1) going back to study - considering maybe a EdD (Doctorate of Education) - I still get to be called 'Dr.' as and when seems appropriate - I know maybe not the best motivation (and of course there are other motivators as well) but still I can't help but like that part of it! and 2) learning to play the guitar again... of course in thinking about both of those, because I still keep thinking that I want to write a book about my growing up years (I still really think it would make a great read - and so does all the family that I've mentioned it to...), anyway - WHEN do I have the time to do all these things? Do I go for it anyway??? Or should I be a be more realistic and organised about how I spend my time? Of course next year will be a challenge with the commitments that I have already taken on - full-time teaching, Corporate Secretary for the Board and managing the Units - as well as all the other day-to-day normal living things of a mom and now single woman...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I felt good yesterday...
I had a good day yesterday, really a pretty good weekend overall so I'm not sure why I'm feeling so out-of-sorts today. I didn't sleep very well last night which may be part of the reason... and, I'm not sure if I didn't sleep well last night because earlier in the evening I had said that our house 'didn't make weird noises at night', and had been thinking at different times recently how well I generally slept at night - so... did those things bring on a disrupted sleep last night? and if so, how does that work? My sub-conscious trying to 'protect me'??? It was weird though - I woke up / was woken up(?) at about 2.30am by what I thought was Ethan in my bathroom looking for a panadol... I know weird specific thought, but that was the first thing that came to my head. It seemed that I had heard footsteps and then drawers sliding and then panadol being looked for - very specific thoughts and sounds... but as I listened I began to think that the drawers sliding sound was really just the ocean and the waves on the sand - it was the calmest night we've had in a long while so there were a lot more 'sounds' to hear (as opposed to when the wind is howling and the waves crashing and the raining falling) - I was also hot so ended up getting up, using the toliet, and turning on the fan...
I woke up again about 3.30am by what seemed to feel like an earthquake - I know weird again... But I had that sensation of trembling, but in thinking about it, it also felt like it was a bit far away like feeling the shockwaves of an explosion... but I don't think anyone else felt / heard anything as neither kid said anything this morning... plus I think there was someone sitting at the bench infront of the neighbours so I think that periodically I was hearing them as well...
I don't know... both times I felt wide-awake, spent a bit of time thinking / wondering about what I'd heard / felt and then went back to sleep. I didn't feel overly concerned or anxious, more just curious (?) as to why I had woken up... and it's always weird because you're never quite sure about what's woken you up - if it's a noise or sensation it always seems to be more in your dream so hard to know how 'real' it is when you're actually awake...
So... did 'real' things actually wake me up, was it the big birthday dinner we had for Megan at Castaways? Nice dinner too - glad I remembered my local's discount! I think Megan enjoyed it too. Or was it the chocolate cake, cherries and cream we had for dessert? I didn't have that much really - I really felt full from dinner (and I didn't even finish mine - Ethan did). Or was it the one glass of red wine? Or any of the above????
And WHY???? do I feel so out-of-sorts today? I just feel a bit 'blah' or flat... lacking of motivation or any desire to do/think/feel much of anything... and I can feel a bit of a headache...
I had a really healthy fresh vege juice for breakfast this morning - carrots, beet, celery, ginger, lime and apple - very tasty and actually more filling than I would have expected. I didn't get my 'home' coffee (maybe that's it!) but I've had one here at work and am still feeling a bit low... maybe I'll feel better after a morning tea break.
Yesterday I did feel quite good though - better than I have in a while actually. A good nights sleep, a bit of a sleep in and a slow moving morning, blogged for the first time in two months. Went to the markets, bought some fruit had a couple of spring rolls and found a nice secret santa pressie... went to yoga - always good. Came home, had leftovers for lunch, did some fiddly things in the office/on the computer, skyped with Nahele and Kelly, phone call with my mom and had a nice dinner out with the kids... TV shows and then bed at a reasonable time...
Been really working on the 'being in the now', reminding myself to stay focused on 'now' and not spend too much time worrying about / anticipating the future or feeling sad about the past. I still miss you so much... saw one of the old guys that bike rides every day this morning on my way to work and it made me think of you in a sad way... I've also been working on enjoying and smiling during my memories/thoughts of you - I want them to be good and positive things, not moments that make me sad or want to not have them. I love thinking about you and what you used to do and our times together - I want those things to be positive for me and not sad all the time...
I really want to 'do this' right - whatever 'this' is... I want to learn my lessons, reach a higher level of consciousness, move forward more centred/balance/together, I want to live a 'better' life... although I think that I've been living a pretty good life so far, I want to be better/brighter/more balance/more peaceful/more purposeful... I want to be 100% involved with today, with clarity and purpose...
My plan is for the today to be better! and to get a better night's sleep tonight...
I woke up again about 3.30am by what seemed to feel like an earthquake - I know weird again... But I had that sensation of trembling, but in thinking about it, it also felt like it was a bit far away like feeling the shockwaves of an explosion... but I don't think anyone else felt / heard anything as neither kid said anything this morning... plus I think there was someone sitting at the bench infront of the neighbours so I think that periodically I was hearing them as well...
I don't know... both times I felt wide-awake, spent a bit of time thinking / wondering about what I'd heard / felt and then went back to sleep. I didn't feel overly concerned or anxious, more just curious (?) as to why I had woken up... and it's always weird because you're never quite sure about what's woken you up - if it's a noise or sensation it always seems to be more in your dream so hard to know how 'real' it is when you're actually awake...
So... did 'real' things actually wake me up, was it the big birthday dinner we had for Megan at Castaways? Nice dinner too - glad I remembered my local's discount! I think Megan enjoyed it too. Or was it the chocolate cake, cherries and cream we had for dessert? I didn't have that much really - I really felt full from dinner (and I didn't even finish mine - Ethan did). Or was it the one glass of red wine? Or any of the above????
And WHY???? do I feel so out-of-sorts today? I just feel a bit 'blah' or flat... lacking of motivation or any desire to do/think/feel much of anything... and I can feel a bit of a headache...
I had a really healthy fresh vege juice for breakfast this morning - carrots, beet, celery, ginger, lime and apple - very tasty and actually more filling than I would have expected. I didn't get my 'home' coffee (maybe that's it!) but I've had one here at work and am still feeling a bit low... maybe I'll feel better after a morning tea break.
Yesterday I did feel quite good though - better than I have in a while actually. A good nights sleep, a bit of a sleep in and a slow moving morning, blogged for the first time in two months. Went to the markets, bought some fruit had a couple of spring rolls and found a nice secret santa pressie... went to yoga - always good. Came home, had leftovers for lunch, did some fiddly things in the office/on the computer, skyped with Nahele and Kelly, phone call with my mom and had a nice dinner out with the kids... TV shows and then bed at a reasonable time...
Been really working on the 'being in the now', reminding myself to stay focused on 'now' and not spend too much time worrying about / anticipating the future or feeling sad about the past. I still miss you so much... saw one of the old guys that bike rides every day this morning on my way to work and it made me think of you in a sad way... I've also been working on enjoying and smiling during my memories/thoughts of you - I want them to be good and positive things, not moments that make me sad or want to not have them. I love thinking about you and what you used to do and our times together - I want those things to be positive for me and not sad all the time...
I really want to 'do this' right - whatever 'this' is... I want to learn my lessons, reach a higher level of consciousness, move forward more centred/balance/together, I want to live a 'better' life... although I think that I've been living a pretty good life so far, I want to be better/brighter/more balance/more peaceful/more purposeful... I want to be 100% involved with today, with clarity and purpose...
My plan is for the today to be better! and to get a better night's sleep tonight...
Saturday, November 27, 2010
It's been a long while
It's been a long while since I've written although I've thought about writing lots... just haven't found the proper headspace and time to sit and put my thoughts down. Lots has happened since my last writing - it's been nearly 2 months. We took the trip back to the States and had two Memorial Services and spread your ashes (well, 1/2 of your ashes) into the ocean in front of the Puako ramp - I think it was the hardest (well, most emotionally ripping) thing that I've had to do since your death - more on that later, let me start from the beginning.
Celi was here for about 3 weeks before we left for the States - it was really good having her here (although I also found myself wanting 'alone' time, which I hadn't really gotten any of at that point as there were almost constantly people around - mom for a couple of weeks before Celi and then of course lots of friends coming by regularly). Anyway, it was good having Celi here, and all the other people that spent time with me (and the kids) - I suppose it was a distraction, as so many things have been over the last 4 months....
Distraction from what exactly?
From my sorrow - I still feel that, all the time. I have moments where 'life' feels okay and I feel almost happy, somewhat settled and generally okay with things... but then I'll feel my loss - my loss of you, my partner and anchor. I am working on not feeling lost, but I often still do - that feeling of 'what now' or 'what next' pops into my head...
The black cockatoos are back... noisy!! but lovely to look at flying around or when they are sitting on the trees/ground eating - I can't help but wonder what they are squawking about, what are they communicating to each other? Ah... another distraction...
So, what have I been 'distracted' from? That's what I've been calling things/activities - visitors, the trip to the States, dealing with the 'everyday' - distractions, but from what? Are they distractions from 'dealing with' your death? But what does that mean? 'Dealing with your death'??? I seem to refer to all of this often as 'part of the process' - the process of learning how to live without you? I suppose that's what it is, learning how to live without you being that integral part of my life, the person that I always thought about first when making plans, or thinking about 'what next'. Now I'm having to learn how to run this business on my own (that's another part of the story), be a good, supportive and involved parent, have a full-time job and everything else that needs to be done right now... learning how to be on my own, trust my own thoughts (without having you to discuss things or bounce my ideas off of or get your ideas to counter/balance mine...), figure out what I want to do ('I', all by myself - what is it that I want to do?) - is it different to what 'we' wanted to do together? Kinda... I know we never really decided to live in Costa Rica but I can't really see myself visiting there on my own...
The only thing that's really come to me about 'what next' is that I think I'd like to go back and live in Hawaii again - not sure for how long but for a season. I know it's something that you and I had discussed anyway, so perhaps it's not just a 'me' idea but it really felt good to be back there when we went for our visit. It felt good to be 'home' and to be around family (even though I'm sure it wouldn't take long for them all to drive me nuts!!), to eat familiar food (although I did gain weight!), and be in that sooo familiar surroundings - I really love Hawaii... Celi and I have discussed teaching at UHH - I really like that idea too. 2014 seemed to be the year... we both thought we probably needed that lead in time to get prepared, although I'm thinking more like 2013... I don't know 2014 seems so far away, but maybe it's really not...
So, back to distractions... maybe they haven't been distractions at all (first time I've considered it that way), maybe all of what's happened since your death (and perhaps all that's happened in our lives) are exactly what needed to happen to move us forward to the next step? I've been reading Echart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' - it takes a lot to get my head around it (it's all kinda heady stuff) but it seems to have a resonance that makes sense to me at the moment, at this moment as I try to make sense of my life now... I really, really do not want to 'dwell' in your death, and my loss... I think it's important that I don't get into the headspace of feeling sorry for myself, of berating the world/universe/god for my losing you and for your illness and death, of 'not moving forward' because of this major change/transition, or of 'getting stuck' here in this headspace... I want to be able to smile (and I'm getting there) when I think about you and our time together, to remember happily all the wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) experiences and learning that we shared. I want to be able to take everything that you were to me, that you taught me, gave me, shared with me and continue living a good, happy, purposeful life... so, I've been reading different things, having sessions with Margaret that really help, reminding myself to 'stay in the now', going to yoga (I went to a weekend yoga retreat that was really fantastic and certainly helped to find some balance), going to meditation class (last one for the year, but I'm working on incorporating some form of meditation into my day/week)...
So... since my last posting we've been back to the States - Hawaii for two weeks, Virginia for about 10 days, 3 days in DC (well we stayed in Virginia - Chantilly, but went into DC for two days), and 3 days in Santa Cruz with Kim and family... what a trip it was! I think we saw pretty much every family member, and most friends that we have kept in touch with over the years... except for some of the nieces and nephews, and I didn't get to see Jeff & Gay while we were in Virginia as he was called away to work at the last minute and couldn't get to the Memorial Service. All of your brothers and sisters came to Staunton/Churchville, which was pretty nice. I know your mother was very pleased that they had all made the effort and that they were all there, even your sister Liz. So, in the end it was a mini-Family Reunion - and you missed out!! Well, kinda - I suppose you were there in spirit, but it was cause for more than a few discussions and laughs that 1) the guy that said he'd never come back to the Northern Hemisphere was there (well your ashes made it as far as Hawaii...) in spirit? and 2) while you didn't want to 'do' another family reunion (I'm not sure that anyone did really) here we all were, having a family reunion (and it had been 5 years since the last so we were right on schedule!) because of you!!! It wasn't as long as previous one's (probably just as well) and of course Pat (your sister) wasn't actually there when everyone else was (I guess Jerry 'stood' in for her) because Jack was in a Houston hospital recovering from a burst appendix (just can't have a Hillery Family reunion without some kind of mishap!). We skyped her and Jack into the Memorial Service (technology, huh?) which was good and I left her a CD copy of the photo/music montage... What a time that was though - it was lovely to be with your family, there are all such good people and even Paul and Kath were so supportive... and your 'long lost' cousins even came from New Hampshire (Leo - boy did he have an accent), Margy from North Carolina and can't remember her name now, from Florida - cousins on the Hillery side, but really nice and very thoughtful for them to make the effort, I know your mother was pleased that they did so...
I think that your death has been hard on your mom... well hard on all of us but for your mom I think it's been difficult to get her head around. You know she loves you so much - perhaps because of your independence, or your earlier experiences with your father, or because you have been so consistently in touch over the years, and have been a consistent, successful adult - your mother takes pride in that. She misses you...
I miss you... I always knew that I loved you, more that I understood why actually... I hope you knew and understood how much... I certainly realise now, more than before how much... thank-you for being such an important part of my life...
Celi was here for about 3 weeks before we left for the States - it was really good having her here (although I also found myself wanting 'alone' time, which I hadn't really gotten any of at that point as there were almost constantly people around - mom for a couple of weeks before Celi and then of course lots of friends coming by regularly). Anyway, it was good having Celi here, and all the other people that spent time with me (and the kids) - I suppose it was a distraction, as so many things have been over the last 4 months....
Distraction from what exactly?
From my sorrow - I still feel that, all the time. I have moments where 'life' feels okay and I feel almost happy, somewhat settled and generally okay with things... but then I'll feel my loss - my loss of you, my partner and anchor. I am working on not feeling lost, but I often still do - that feeling of 'what now' or 'what next' pops into my head...
The black cockatoos are back... noisy!! but lovely to look at flying around or when they are sitting on the trees/ground eating - I can't help but wonder what they are squawking about, what are they communicating to each other? Ah... another distraction...
So, what have I been 'distracted' from? That's what I've been calling things/activities - visitors, the trip to the States, dealing with the 'everyday' - distractions, but from what? Are they distractions from 'dealing with' your death? But what does that mean? 'Dealing with your death'??? I seem to refer to all of this often as 'part of the process' - the process of learning how to live without you? I suppose that's what it is, learning how to live without you being that integral part of my life, the person that I always thought about first when making plans, or thinking about 'what next'. Now I'm having to learn how to run this business on my own (that's another part of the story), be a good, supportive and involved parent, have a full-time job and everything else that needs to be done right now... learning how to be on my own, trust my own thoughts (without having you to discuss things or bounce my ideas off of or get your ideas to counter/balance mine...), figure out what I want to do ('I', all by myself - what is it that I want to do?) - is it different to what 'we' wanted to do together? Kinda... I know we never really decided to live in Costa Rica but I can't really see myself visiting there on my own...
The only thing that's really come to me about 'what next' is that I think I'd like to go back and live in Hawaii again - not sure for how long but for a season. I know it's something that you and I had discussed anyway, so perhaps it's not just a 'me' idea but it really felt good to be back there when we went for our visit. It felt good to be 'home' and to be around family (even though I'm sure it wouldn't take long for them all to drive me nuts!!), to eat familiar food (although I did gain weight!), and be in that sooo familiar surroundings - I really love Hawaii... Celi and I have discussed teaching at UHH - I really like that idea too. 2014 seemed to be the year... we both thought we probably needed that lead in time to get prepared, although I'm thinking more like 2013... I don't know 2014 seems so far away, but maybe it's really not...
So, back to distractions... maybe they haven't been distractions at all (first time I've considered it that way), maybe all of what's happened since your death (and perhaps all that's happened in our lives) are exactly what needed to happen to move us forward to the next step? I've been reading Echart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' - it takes a lot to get my head around it (it's all kinda heady stuff) but it seems to have a resonance that makes sense to me at the moment, at this moment as I try to make sense of my life now... I really, really do not want to 'dwell' in your death, and my loss... I think it's important that I don't get into the headspace of feeling sorry for myself, of berating the world/universe/god for my losing you and for your illness and death, of 'not moving forward' because of this major change/transition, or of 'getting stuck' here in this headspace... I want to be able to smile (and I'm getting there) when I think about you and our time together, to remember happily all the wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) experiences and learning that we shared. I want to be able to take everything that you were to me, that you taught me, gave me, shared with me and continue living a good, happy, purposeful life... so, I've been reading different things, having sessions with Margaret that really help, reminding myself to 'stay in the now', going to yoga (I went to a weekend yoga retreat that was really fantastic and certainly helped to find some balance), going to meditation class (last one for the year, but I'm working on incorporating some form of meditation into my day/week)...
So... since my last posting we've been back to the States - Hawaii for two weeks, Virginia for about 10 days, 3 days in DC (well we stayed in Virginia - Chantilly, but went into DC for two days), and 3 days in Santa Cruz with Kim and family... what a trip it was! I think we saw pretty much every family member, and most friends that we have kept in touch with over the years... except for some of the nieces and nephews, and I didn't get to see Jeff & Gay while we were in Virginia as he was called away to work at the last minute and couldn't get to the Memorial Service. All of your brothers and sisters came to Staunton/Churchville, which was pretty nice. I know your mother was very pleased that they had all made the effort and that they were all there, even your sister Liz. So, in the end it was a mini-Family Reunion - and you missed out!! Well, kinda - I suppose you were there in spirit, but it was cause for more than a few discussions and laughs that 1) the guy that said he'd never come back to the Northern Hemisphere was there (well your ashes made it as far as Hawaii...) in spirit? and 2) while you didn't want to 'do' another family reunion (I'm not sure that anyone did really) here we all were, having a family reunion (and it had been 5 years since the last so we were right on schedule!) because of you!!! It wasn't as long as previous one's (probably just as well) and of course Pat (your sister) wasn't actually there when everyone else was (I guess Jerry 'stood' in for her) because Jack was in a Houston hospital recovering from a burst appendix (just can't have a Hillery Family reunion without some kind of mishap!). We skyped her and Jack into the Memorial Service (technology, huh?) which was good and I left her a CD copy of the photo/music montage... What a time that was though - it was lovely to be with your family, there are all such good people and even Paul and Kath were so supportive... and your 'long lost' cousins even came from New Hampshire (Leo - boy did he have an accent), Margy from North Carolina and can't remember her name now, from Florida - cousins on the Hillery side, but really nice and very thoughtful for them to make the effort, I know your mother was pleased that they did so...
I think that your death has been hard on your mom... well hard on all of us but for your mom I think it's been difficult to get her head around. You know she loves you so much - perhaps because of your independence, or your earlier experiences with your father, or because you have been so consistently in touch over the years, and have been a consistent, successful adult - your mother takes pride in that. She misses you...
I miss you... I always knew that I loved you, more that I understood why actually... I hope you knew and understood how much... I certainly realise now, more than before how much... thank-you for being such an important part of my life...