It's been nearly two months since your passing - I'm never sure whether I want to call it 'your death' or 'your passing'. My sister says that passing sounds less harsh, and I suppose it is a bit of a passing - from this journey to the next, from this life to the next?, passing from my life? Not sure really, but it's been almost eight weeks...
I think that the numbness (and shock?) may be wearing off now - On one hand I feel more settled and a bit more balanced in my day-to-day, my memory seems to be working better now, and my thought processes have more clarity. But on the other hand I feel the loss of you more acutely, I feel slightly more vulnerable, and I often sit on the edge of tears - it doesn't take much, a memory, picture, thought, mention of you - to bring tears to my eyes... I guess I just feel a bit more 'tender' than I have been. Don't know why really, but that's why I think perhaps the numbness is wearing off.
I still have that sensation that you'll be back... like you've just gone some place for a while where I can't get in touch with you, can't talk to you, don't know where you are, but that you'll be back. I can watch a movie or a TV show and think 'John would like this' and have this sensation (because it's not really a conscious thought) that I'll have to tell you about it, or get you to watch it... and then it'll come to me that that's not really going to happen - strange feeling really.
I've just found out that I've gotten the position at Mission Beach School that I'd 'put out to the Universe' that I wanted/needed. I'm really pleased and excited, and nervous and anxious too! I feel that working at MBSS will be a good way for me to get back into teaching in the classroom again - close to home, familiar and supportive staff and atmosphere, primary-aged teaching (a new challenge for me but I'm looking forward to having my own group of kids for the year...). I know it will be challenging - it's been a while since I've been in a classroom, I've never taught primary aged kids across all subjects, all year.... I'm a little nervous about how I'll go with classroom management and behaviour management and their learning management for that matter... but I'm up for the challenge, or at least will be when the time comes. I have to admit, I'm glad I'm not starting next month... But starting next year gives me some time to get my head around things to come, and time to settle and balance my 'new life'.
When I saw Margaret a bit ago she said that it was like our 'higher selves' had sat together (on a cloud perhaps??) and discussed what we needed/wanted from each other to what? I don't know - get to a higher consciousness, learn the next lesson, get closer to nirvana - not sure really, I haven't quite figured out that part of the process yet... but, our higher selves made a bit of a deal to be together (for a season - nearly 25 years as it turned out) to help each other through... so our paths crossed, we loved, supported, fought, challenged, and were there for each other - thick and thin, good and bad, health and illness. And then.... it was your time to move on, pass through... and you left. You left...
I understand that you 'didn't leave me' as such - I know it wasn't my fault, I couldn't/we couldn't have done anything differently, it was your time to move on. Does that mean that you 'learn the lesson'? That we did what we needed to do together, for each other?
I do still feel a bit 'lost'... I so want to 'have a direction', know what I'm here for, find some peace with my life, know the 'truth'... but perhaps I was 'lost' while you were here too, it's just that your presence gave me an anchor, a solid rock to hold on to, to check my positioning against, to navigate from and back to again. And now, you're not here...
I realise now and again, that I am/have to be my own anchor, that it's up to me how I navigate through this next phase of my being - in a way it's quite a 'freeing' sensation. I'm not quite sure how to handle it just yet, and am just now getting a sense of new possibilities.
I keep thinking that it's important to 'move on', to 'move forward' and take advantage (sounds strange but I do think that's the right term) of the opportunities that this new life is presenting to me. It's important to me that I do move forward, that I don't continue in old patterns and habits that I found frustrating. I want to learn to be by myself, to be independent, to feel good/confident about making my own decisions (big and small), about 'following my heart, my truth' and finding that 'thing' that allows me to find peace, happiness and contentment with my life. I am truly not sure what that is yet... I am trusting in the Universe that it will become obvious to me as I stay open, I know that there's something much bigger than you and I happening here...
I do think about sex though... I really miss being touched, held, felt in all those sensitive and tender spots. I'm not quite sure how I'll handle that in the future. I accept that it's probably not something that'll happen (making love, having sex with someone) anytime too soon - it'd be too hard, too complicated, to scary... on so many levels at the moment so I guess it's another lesson to be learned. But down the track I think that I would want a 'lover', not another partner - not for a while anyway, as I expect that I will want that companionship in the future. I'd like to think that you would want that for me too... I really do want to 'do this on my own' for a while though - I want to be secure, happy, confident, trusting in the Universe and truth of my life, and I think I have to do that on my own. That another person (partner?) in my life would be a distraction from that path... I am hoping though that I can achieve all of what I want, but still be able to have a warm, loving, supportive lover that fits into to it all... not sure how that'll work just yet, but trusting that it will...
Friday, September 10, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I'm trying to keep calm, cool and collected...
Ethan had a bit of a car wreck today... probably calling it a 'car wreck' is a bit more than it actually was but I'm not sure what else you would call it. Basically he ran off the road and scratched the car up a bit, broke the side-view mirror (passenger's side) and has probably thrown out the wheel alignment and possibly the suspension. He's fine - a few scratches from getting out of the car into the bushes that he ended up stopping in but nothing from the car accident itself.
Of course he was pretty shaken up and in a bit of shock. I was at yoga so didn't actually speak to him until he got home again - so the car is drivable - he called me while I was driving home. And when I did arrive I got a big 'shaky' hug - he was obviously pretty upset. I can just imagine what your reaction would have been... and to be honest, I'm glad you weren't here for it because I'm sure it would have been that much more stressful, for all of us! As it was, there was a police officer here when I arrived - and of course the guests all arrived home (from a fishing trip - one of them gave me a large spanish makeral - that's another story) so it seemed like it was 'all happening'. There was a police report written and he will get some type of summons (I guess that's what it's called) which he can choose to either plead guilty (apparently he can do that in writing), go to court to contest the charge or plead not-guilty - I guess you can probably guess which option I will be recommending. He apparently will get some type of fine ($200 to $300 according to the police officer) and 3 points - big bummer for him as he will also have to pay for the car to be fixed (again! it just came back from the panel beaters for fixing the side of the car that he hit the fence with) and I've told him he's riding his bike to work for the next week...
Arrgghh!!!!!
I didn't yell, but I tried to stress to him that, that didn't mean that I wasn't angry... and I didn't lecture. We did discuss things at length though and I soooo hope that he's 'gotten the lesson' this time around. What else can I do though??? I just don't think yelling, getting really upset, banning him totally from use of the car (although I did tell him if it happened again, that was it, he wasn't driving my car/s anymore - not sure how productive that was but I couldn't stop myself from saying it) was going to make much difference. I know that he was shaken, and upset, and scared about what happened and I just hope, pray, wish, that he 'gets it' this time...
I went and saw Margaret again yesterday - I guess it's been at least a half dozen visits now (while you were sick and since you've passed away) and it really has helped me. I don't know how to exactly explain how - there's a kind of an affirmation of what I am feeling I guess, as well as new ways of looking at/considering where my life is now, and how I might approach my journey now that you're no longer here in person. I want to believe that you are still here - and that someday we will 'be together' again - but I'm still trying to figure out how that all works. I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling how reincarnation and 'being with me in spirit' works - can you do both? I don't know. I've been thinking that I will ask Margaret how that works but for some reason just haven't done so yet.
I brought you (in your little urn) to my appointment yesterday - don't know why really, just felt like I should. I also brought that ring that your sister found on the sidewalk in Brisbane last year, and that you put in my bag when I left it on the counter at the apartment when we left. Margaret held you (in the urn) and said that 'you understood so much more, or maybe you understood it all' now, that what was a narrow vision when you were on Earth was now a vision of the 'big picture' and that it all made sense to you now. I so want to believe that, to believe that 'you' are okay, happy, pain-free (in every sense of the concept), and I soooo wish you could explain it (the big picture) to me... I want to believe that you are watching over me, taking care of me, being there for me... just like you always have been. And perhaps you are - Ethan wasn't hurt today (and he didn't hurt anyone else) and he could have been... I just want to 'know' it - I want to be able to say that you are 'there' with conviction, but I just can't seem to (yet). Will it come to me? Will I suddenly understand one day? I keep reading these different books, and I keep going to yoga (which I really do love going to), and I keep talking to myself and repeating what I've been reading, but will I one day 'just know', will I truly be a peace (while I am still physically on this Earth) or will I always be 'searching'???
Margaret also held the ring - it's such a pretty ring - and said that it was a powerful message (from who? I should have asked) that was here to help me. She said that it 'found me', was 'for me' and that I shouldn't take any of the stones out (which I had pretty much decided I wouldn't do anyway). So, I've begun to wear it. It took me a little while to figure out which finger to wear it on - I had to move rings around and try it on different fingers before I worked out the best 'ring configuration' and for some reason it feels like it's another ring from you (like all the rest of my rings). It really does... so that's the way that I will think about it from now on - it's from you.
I've been skyping with your sister and Jerry lately... you're mum's not doing so well, although it does sound like it's mostly her age, which I suppose is a bit to be expected. I think that your passing has also had a real impact on her, actually Pat & Jerry said that since she found out about the diagnosis in January that she's been kinda going 'down hill'. The other thing that I think is hard, is that she's always been so active and self-sufficient and she's losing her ability to be that way and I think that's very hard for her... I wish there was something to do or say that would make her feel better, but I'm not sure that there is. I will try to spend some 'quiet' time with her while I am there - I hope that I'll be able to as I have a feeling that it'll be a bit of a 'family reunion' with all of us there and as you'd know it's pretty challenging to have 'quiet' time when we're all there. Of course, it'll be pretty weird without you there... but Jerry, Pat and I had a good laugh on skype today when we all agreed that you'd be happy that you weren't!!
You know it's weird when I watch a movie or TV show and think, 'you would have really enjoyed that'... I just keep getting that feeling that I'll be able to talk to you about it later, or that you'll be back in awhile (like maybe next year). It's an odd feeling because I know you're not coming back... but again, it's that feeling that you are here, that I'll find you again. Maybe that's it, it's like you're lost, but that I know I'll find you again and you'll be okay... I don't know how to explain it because being lost doesn't sound good either... Maybe part of me just wants to be able to see you again so that you can tell me that you're proud of the way that I've handled things since you're death (although perhaps you wouldn't have been happy about how I've handled Ethan's latest car episode, and you probably wouldn't have been too impressed with his 19th Birthday friends coming and going either...). Okay so maybe it's not that you're proud of me... Or maybe it's that you would tell me that you know, that you really truly know how much I love you, loved you in your final days, weeks, months... that you understood that it really was unconditional love... that I would have done anything in my power for you to have been well again...
I miss you a lot...
Of course he was pretty shaken up and in a bit of shock. I was at yoga so didn't actually speak to him until he got home again - so the car is drivable - he called me while I was driving home. And when I did arrive I got a big 'shaky' hug - he was obviously pretty upset. I can just imagine what your reaction would have been... and to be honest, I'm glad you weren't here for it because I'm sure it would have been that much more stressful, for all of us! As it was, there was a police officer here when I arrived - and of course the guests all arrived home (from a fishing trip - one of them gave me a large spanish makeral - that's another story) so it seemed like it was 'all happening'. There was a police report written and he will get some type of summons (I guess that's what it's called) which he can choose to either plead guilty (apparently he can do that in writing), go to court to contest the charge or plead not-guilty - I guess you can probably guess which option I will be recommending. He apparently will get some type of fine ($200 to $300 according to the police officer) and 3 points - big bummer for him as he will also have to pay for the car to be fixed (again! it just came back from the panel beaters for fixing the side of the car that he hit the fence with) and I've told him he's riding his bike to work for the next week...
Arrgghh!!!!!
I didn't yell, but I tried to stress to him that, that didn't mean that I wasn't angry... and I didn't lecture. We did discuss things at length though and I soooo hope that he's 'gotten the lesson' this time around. What else can I do though??? I just don't think yelling, getting really upset, banning him totally from use of the car (although I did tell him if it happened again, that was it, he wasn't driving my car/s anymore - not sure how productive that was but I couldn't stop myself from saying it) was going to make much difference. I know that he was shaken, and upset, and scared about what happened and I just hope, pray, wish, that he 'gets it' this time...
I went and saw Margaret again yesterday - I guess it's been at least a half dozen visits now (while you were sick and since you've passed away) and it really has helped me. I don't know how to exactly explain how - there's a kind of an affirmation of what I am feeling I guess, as well as new ways of looking at/considering where my life is now, and how I might approach my journey now that you're no longer here in person. I want to believe that you are still here - and that someday we will 'be together' again - but I'm still trying to figure out how that all works. I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling how reincarnation and 'being with me in spirit' works - can you do both? I don't know. I've been thinking that I will ask Margaret how that works but for some reason just haven't done so yet.
I brought you (in your little urn) to my appointment yesterday - don't know why really, just felt like I should. I also brought that ring that your sister found on the sidewalk in Brisbane last year, and that you put in my bag when I left it on the counter at the apartment when we left. Margaret held you (in the urn) and said that 'you understood so much more, or maybe you understood it all' now, that what was a narrow vision when you were on Earth was now a vision of the 'big picture' and that it all made sense to you now. I so want to believe that, to believe that 'you' are okay, happy, pain-free (in every sense of the concept), and I soooo wish you could explain it (the big picture) to me... I want to believe that you are watching over me, taking care of me, being there for me... just like you always have been. And perhaps you are - Ethan wasn't hurt today (and he didn't hurt anyone else) and he could have been... I just want to 'know' it - I want to be able to say that you are 'there' with conviction, but I just can't seem to (yet). Will it come to me? Will I suddenly understand one day? I keep reading these different books, and I keep going to yoga (which I really do love going to), and I keep talking to myself and repeating what I've been reading, but will I one day 'just know', will I truly be a peace (while I am still physically on this Earth) or will I always be 'searching'???
Margaret also held the ring - it's such a pretty ring - and said that it was a powerful message (from who? I should have asked) that was here to help me. She said that it 'found me', was 'for me' and that I shouldn't take any of the stones out (which I had pretty much decided I wouldn't do anyway). So, I've begun to wear it. It took me a little while to figure out which finger to wear it on - I had to move rings around and try it on different fingers before I worked out the best 'ring configuration' and for some reason it feels like it's another ring from you (like all the rest of my rings). It really does... so that's the way that I will think about it from now on - it's from you.
I've been skyping with your sister and Jerry lately... you're mum's not doing so well, although it does sound like it's mostly her age, which I suppose is a bit to be expected. I think that your passing has also had a real impact on her, actually Pat & Jerry said that since she found out about the diagnosis in January that she's been kinda going 'down hill'. The other thing that I think is hard, is that she's always been so active and self-sufficient and she's losing her ability to be that way and I think that's very hard for her... I wish there was something to do or say that would make her feel better, but I'm not sure that there is. I will try to spend some 'quiet' time with her while I am there - I hope that I'll be able to as I have a feeling that it'll be a bit of a 'family reunion' with all of us there and as you'd know it's pretty challenging to have 'quiet' time when we're all there. Of course, it'll be pretty weird without you there... but Jerry, Pat and I had a good laugh on skype today when we all agreed that you'd be happy that you weren't!!
You know it's weird when I watch a movie or TV show and think, 'you would have really enjoyed that'... I just keep getting that feeling that I'll be able to talk to you about it later, or that you'll be back in awhile (like maybe next year). It's an odd feeling because I know you're not coming back... but again, it's that feeling that you are here, that I'll find you again. Maybe that's it, it's like you're lost, but that I know I'll find you again and you'll be okay... I don't know how to explain it because being lost doesn't sound good either... Maybe part of me just wants to be able to see you again so that you can tell me that you're proud of the way that I've handled things since you're death (although perhaps you wouldn't have been happy about how I've handled Ethan's latest car episode, and you probably wouldn't have been too impressed with his 19th Birthday friends coming and going either...). Okay so maybe it's not that you're proud of me... Or maybe it's that you would tell me that you know, that you really truly know how much I love you, loved you in your final days, weeks, months... that you understood that it really was unconditional love... that I would have done anything in my power for you to have been well again...
I miss you a lot...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I'm figuring things out...
We had a power-outage yesterday and of course that has thrown off all the timers around the place. Ethan brought it to my attention this morning that the pool filter was off and so we had a look and tried to figure out how to re-set it - no luck with just looking at it and pressing buttons. So... after thinking that I would need to call a Pool Guy (well, I'd been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks - just to explain to me how it all works) I thought to have a look for the instruction booklet, which I found. I love the fact that we kept all the instruction booklets in the one drawer and that you kept it so neat and tidy. Anyway, I found the booklet, read through the instructions and had a go - I think I managed to reset the time okay so now I'm just waiting for 3.00 to see if the filter goes on as planned...
I also found the booklet for the downstairs TV's which I needed as I discovered the other day when I was cleaning that Unit 1 didn't seem to be getting any of the '7' channels - so I read through that and managed to re-set those channels and now they are coming in.
I'm actually kinda proud of myself... I mean I suppose it's all pretty straightforward really, but I feel good that I did it by myself and didn't need to ask/call on anyone to help me. Or, maybe, you heard me ask for your help and you've supported me to find the information, strength and motivation to get it done on my own.
This - you not here - would be so different if it was just us living in a 'normal' family home... but I'm finding having the Units an entirely different challenge aside from adjusting to our family life without you. On one hand the Units are a good distraction - cleaning, maintenance, checking-in and out guests, chatting with guests, emails and bookings, etc - it has certainly kept me busy this past month. But on the other hand, it is a distraction and a stress (although I'm trying very hard not to get stressed out about things and to just deal with them as they come - I'm also trying very hard not to let myself spend too much time thinking/worrying about things that may happen in the future - like cyclones!) that sometimes I wish just wasn't there.
I love living here, our position at the beach, being able to watch the water and the weather as it comes in and changes across the day, weeks, and months. I love our home and our surrounds - and there have been so many lovely, positive comments about the Units - but I do worry a bit about how I will continue to manage and maintain them, our guests and our mortgage...
I think about you a lot - all the time in fact, pretty much when I am doing just about everything. I had to put more dishwasher soap in the under-the-sink container the other day and as I was going to get the big container in the closet I was wondering how I was going to get the soap from one container to another... I had to smile when I saw that you had already had that one figured out. There's lots of things that I see / use around the place that you have done / created that make me smile - you were so wonderful with making things work. And there's lots of things that I remember or think about when I'm thinking about you that make me smile... and make me cry too... because it just makes me miss you even more. I still find it hard to truly believe that I will never 'see' you again... or maybe it's more that I will never 'feel' your touch again, because I did see you last time I had a counseling session with Margaret. You were there, in my head and you were smiling - it made me feel like everything was okay.
Margaret said that I need to go to the 'me' that took care of you while you were ill, and while you were dying and to love and take care of that me, like I loved and took care of you... I hope that you knew how much I loved you in those months and that I would have done anything for you... I hope you felt my unconditional love - and it was unconditional - it was all about you, and only you. In looking back, I'm so sorry that it took your illness and your dying and death for me to truly love you unconditionally - and I so wish now that I had always loved you that way, because I think you always loved me unconditionally, but without compromising who you were. I'm so sorry for all of my doubts, and 'melt-downs' and accusations that you weren't doing what I needed you to do, or you weren't loving me the way that I thought you should... I just hope you felt my love and that our 'higher selves' found what they needed from each other and that you have 'passed on' to a truly better 'place'.
I have been doing a lot of reading, and soul-searching, and have been trying to 'find myself'. Who am I without you?
I guess I also see this as an opportunity to further develop 'me', to be a better person, a more content person... to not worry too much (I know you always thought that I worried too much), to accept who I am (warts and all?), to learn to hear and follow my inner voice - is it intuition? the divine? the Universe? my higher self? Don't know but I keep thinking that it doesn't make sense to continue living as I did before because life is different now... and that I should take advantage of this opportunity to live a better life. Not exactly sure what that is... working on 'staying open' so that when my path becomes apparent I'll know it...
I was thinking today about when we sat together on the beach in front of the house, and the sun was shining and it was warm... and you told me how much you loved me and the kids and our life together - it always brings tears to my eyes to think about it. I felt your love so strong that day... I'm sad that we didn't get to have our second 'couple' time together as our kids have become more and more independent. I was really looking forward to that time together, that time to re-discover ourselves as a couple, and create new patterns of being together...
I'm finding this time on my own interesting - having control over the TV remote! But I guess I watch less TV now and I find that I don't watch any of the crime drama that you and we used to watch, I just don't want those images in my head. Although I am reading a crime drama book at the moment and sometimes I wonder why, as those images are just as bad I think... I'm okay with my time alone, in fact I like it, just to be quiet and still... as it never seems to happen for too long, there's always someone around (between kids, visitors and guests) I'm not sure if I would like it if it went on for too long, but that hasn't happened yet and I still find my quiet time valuable.
I've told myself no big decisions for a year - I'm glad that I decided that early on as it's a good reminder when I start thinking about 'big decisions'. I am seriously thinking that I will need to sell one/both of the other houses though as I'm a bit concerned that interest rates will continue to rise and I'm just not sure how I'll cope when I have to re-negotiate this one if the rates are a lot higher... not sure. Like I said, I'm trying hard not to worry about it, but I think planning strategically based on the available information (and there is a prediction that interest rates will continue to rise) is different from acting through worry... I've also been thinking that perhaps I should invest some money in gold - boy, don't I wish we had that gold from way back. Why didn't we put it in a safe deposit box when we had a chance??? Anyway, there is a thought that if/when the current global economic bubble bursts that stocks will fall (not that we have any), interest rates will rise and that the only secure investment will be gold (over currencies)... Not sure really... a bit 'big' for my brain at the moment but I think that I need to think more seriously along those lines...
I really miss having these types of conversations with you - the bouncing off of ideas and discussions of 'what to do next'... I'm staying open in my heart, and brain, and soul - if you have any suggestions, ideas, advice, please let me know - I'm listening out for you.
I also found the booklet for the downstairs TV's which I needed as I discovered the other day when I was cleaning that Unit 1 didn't seem to be getting any of the '7' channels - so I read through that and managed to re-set those channels and now they are coming in.
I'm actually kinda proud of myself... I mean I suppose it's all pretty straightforward really, but I feel good that I did it by myself and didn't need to ask/call on anyone to help me. Or, maybe, you heard me ask for your help and you've supported me to find the information, strength and motivation to get it done on my own.
This - you not here - would be so different if it was just us living in a 'normal' family home... but I'm finding having the Units an entirely different challenge aside from adjusting to our family life without you. On one hand the Units are a good distraction - cleaning, maintenance, checking-in and out guests, chatting with guests, emails and bookings, etc - it has certainly kept me busy this past month. But on the other hand, it is a distraction and a stress (although I'm trying very hard not to get stressed out about things and to just deal with them as they come - I'm also trying very hard not to let myself spend too much time thinking/worrying about things that may happen in the future - like cyclones!) that sometimes I wish just wasn't there.
I love living here, our position at the beach, being able to watch the water and the weather as it comes in and changes across the day, weeks, and months. I love our home and our surrounds - and there have been so many lovely, positive comments about the Units - but I do worry a bit about how I will continue to manage and maintain them, our guests and our mortgage...
I think about you a lot - all the time in fact, pretty much when I am doing just about everything. I had to put more dishwasher soap in the under-the-sink container the other day and as I was going to get the big container in the closet I was wondering how I was going to get the soap from one container to another... I had to smile when I saw that you had already had that one figured out. There's lots of things that I see / use around the place that you have done / created that make me smile - you were so wonderful with making things work. And there's lots of things that I remember or think about when I'm thinking about you that make me smile... and make me cry too... because it just makes me miss you even more. I still find it hard to truly believe that I will never 'see' you again... or maybe it's more that I will never 'feel' your touch again, because I did see you last time I had a counseling session with Margaret. You were there, in my head and you were smiling - it made me feel like everything was okay.
Margaret said that I need to go to the 'me' that took care of you while you were ill, and while you were dying and to love and take care of that me, like I loved and took care of you... I hope that you knew how much I loved you in those months and that I would have done anything for you... I hope you felt my unconditional love - and it was unconditional - it was all about you, and only you. In looking back, I'm so sorry that it took your illness and your dying and death for me to truly love you unconditionally - and I so wish now that I had always loved you that way, because I think you always loved me unconditionally, but without compromising who you were. I'm so sorry for all of my doubts, and 'melt-downs' and accusations that you weren't doing what I needed you to do, or you weren't loving me the way that I thought you should... I just hope you felt my love and that our 'higher selves' found what they needed from each other and that you have 'passed on' to a truly better 'place'.
I have been doing a lot of reading, and soul-searching, and have been trying to 'find myself'. Who am I without you?
I guess I also see this as an opportunity to further develop 'me', to be a better person, a more content person... to not worry too much (I know you always thought that I worried too much), to accept who I am (warts and all?), to learn to hear and follow my inner voice - is it intuition? the divine? the Universe? my higher self? Don't know but I keep thinking that it doesn't make sense to continue living as I did before because life is different now... and that I should take advantage of this opportunity to live a better life. Not exactly sure what that is... working on 'staying open' so that when my path becomes apparent I'll know it...
I was thinking today about when we sat together on the beach in front of the house, and the sun was shining and it was warm... and you told me how much you loved me and the kids and our life together - it always brings tears to my eyes to think about it. I felt your love so strong that day... I'm sad that we didn't get to have our second 'couple' time together as our kids have become more and more independent. I was really looking forward to that time together, that time to re-discover ourselves as a couple, and create new patterns of being together...
I'm finding this time on my own interesting - having control over the TV remote! But I guess I watch less TV now and I find that I don't watch any of the crime drama that you and we used to watch, I just don't want those images in my head. Although I am reading a crime drama book at the moment and sometimes I wonder why, as those images are just as bad I think... I'm okay with my time alone, in fact I like it, just to be quiet and still... as it never seems to happen for too long, there's always someone around (between kids, visitors and guests) I'm not sure if I would like it if it went on for too long, but that hasn't happened yet and I still find my quiet time valuable.
I've told myself no big decisions for a year - I'm glad that I decided that early on as it's a good reminder when I start thinking about 'big decisions'. I am seriously thinking that I will need to sell one/both of the other houses though as I'm a bit concerned that interest rates will continue to rise and I'm just not sure how I'll cope when I have to re-negotiate this one if the rates are a lot higher... not sure. Like I said, I'm trying hard not to worry about it, but I think planning strategically based on the available information (and there is a prediction that interest rates will continue to rise) is different from acting through worry... I've also been thinking that perhaps I should invest some money in gold - boy, don't I wish we had that gold from way back. Why didn't we put it in a safe deposit box when we had a chance??? Anyway, there is a thought that if/when the current global economic bubble bursts that stocks will fall (not that we have any), interest rates will rise and that the only secure investment will be gold (over currencies)... Not sure really... a bit 'big' for my brain at the moment but I think that I need to think more seriously along those lines...
I really miss having these types of conversations with you - the bouncing off of ideas and discussions of 'what to do next'... I'm staying open in my heart, and brain, and soul - if you have any suggestions, ideas, advice, please let me know - I'm listening out for you.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
It's been a couple of weeks
It's been a couple of weeks since I've written, not that I haven't thought about it, or thought about you as I do everyday through-out the day but life has been busy. My mother's here now which has been really good - to be honest I wasn't sure what it would be like but she's been a peaceful and calming presence and I've really appreciated her being here. She's also been fantastic with all the plants - in doors and out - you'd be really happy with all that she's done from cutting away all the dead and yellow leaves, fertilising (it was so funny when she suggested it - hadn't even occurred to me), transplanting plants that had overgrown their pots as well as putting new plants into empty pots or replacing those that weren't doing so well. It's all looking much better although there's still heaps to do - the whole south side needs a good once over and a really good prune. Plus the hibiscus are in desparate need of a cut back and I'd still like to give the front of the place a bit of a facelift as well. One thing at a time...
We've also had a lot of guests in over the last few weeks so I've been checking in people, making sure that all is okay, and of course having the occasional chats. Everyone has given really positive feedback both during their stays and when they are leaving - I've been trying to ensure that I chat with everyone on the day of their departure and say thank-you. We've had another nice Trip Advisor review - not exactly sure from who this time around and am hoping we'll have another one as one of the ones that left yesterday said they were users of Trip Advisor (found us there actually) and would definitely give us one, so we'll see.
I had three rooms to clean yesterday... lots of work! Didn't quite finish Unit 4 as I didn't get started until early afternoon. Mom and I went and played golf with Rhonda yesterday - 3 holes. It was kinda fun, and frustrating... not sure if it's the sport for me but I suppose it's worth considering, so many people seem to play. Anyway, it made for a long day on my feet yesterday - good exercise - and just didn't quite finish all the cleaning. Although in between things Ethan replaced the starter on the large flourescent bulb in Unit 3's bathroom - you would have been proud of him (I was) firstly figuring out what the problem was and then secondly finding where the new starters were (after I had looked and hadn't found them). Unfortunately, after that I still had to get on him for doing the 'bare minimum' and being more focused on Facebook and xBox then taking care of things that needed to be taken care of - very frustrating! I totally understand how you would get so frustrated and angry with him... and I do too, although I probably don't raise my voice quite as loud as you did. I don't know if it's just 'normal teenage boy' attitude or something deeper, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just age and that he'll get more 'with it' as he matures - Nahele has... I also got distracted from cleaning when Ethan was trying to fix the fence (from taking the turn into the extra carpark too quickly and swiping the end board - did a bit of damage to the board and about a $1000 worth to the car that he now has to pay for). Anyway, we were trying to find a hand saw as neither one of us were too keen on trying to use one of your electric saws and couldn't find it - I know you have one, but where??? I'll try looking in the boxes under the shed bench today and see if I have any luck, otherwise Ethan will go over to Hin's to see if he has a saw or we'll wait until James comes around.
We've also had a lot of guests in over the last few weeks so I've been checking in people, making sure that all is okay, and of course having the occasional chats. Everyone has given really positive feedback both during their stays and when they are leaving - I've been trying to ensure that I chat with everyone on the day of their departure and say thank-you. We've had another nice Trip Advisor review - not exactly sure from who this time around and am hoping we'll have another one as one of the ones that left yesterday said they were users of Trip Advisor (found us there actually) and would definitely give us one, so we'll see.
I had three rooms to clean yesterday... lots of work! Didn't quite finish Unit 4 as I didn't get started until early afternoon. Mom and I went and played golf with Rhonda yesterday - 3 holes. It was kinda fun, and frustrating... not sure if it's the sport for me but I suppose it's worth considering, so many people seem to play. Anyway, it made for a long day on my feet yesterday - good exercise - and just didn't quite finish all the cleaning. Although in between things Ethan replaced the starter on the large flourescent bulb in Unit 3's bathroom - you would have been proud of him (I was) firstly figuring out what the problem was and then secondly finding where the new starters were (after I had looked and hadn't found them). Unfortunately, after that I still had to get on him for doing the 'bare minimum' and being more focused on Facebook and xBox then taking care of things that needed to be taken care of - very frustrating! I totally understand how you would get so frustrated and angry with him... and I do too, although I probably don't raise my voice quite as loud as you did. I don't know if it's just 'normal teenage boy' attitude or something deeper, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just age and that he'll get more 'with it' as he matures - Nahele has... I also got distracted from cleaning when Ethan was trying to fix the fence (from taking the turn into the extra carpark too quickly and swiping the end board - did a bit of damage to the board and about a $1000 worth to the car that he now has to pay for). Anyway, we were trying to find a hand saw as neither one of us were too keen on trying to use one of your electric saws and couldn't find it - I know you have one, but where??? I'll try looking in the boxes under the shed bench today and see if I have any luck, otherwise Ethan will go over to Hin's to see if he has a saw or we'll wait until James comes around.
Monday, August 9, 2010
3 weeks
It's 3 weeks since your passing... my moods and emotions swing up and down and I suppose you could say that I'm settling into some kinds of balance.
I decided to have some of your ashes put into a small urn that I can keep - I know it seems odd and I never thought I'd be someone to keep your ashes in an urn, but it is small and it can sit at my bedside without seeming to overwhelming. It's quite a heavy little urn - some type of stone or marble and really it's small enough that I don't suppose there's a lot of your ashes in it (the Funeral home people did that so I don't really know how much goes in) but it's more the symbolism of it really. I like it, and I'm glad I decided to do it...
The rest of your ashes have been divided into two lots - one lot to be spread here in Mission Beach. I'm thinking in the ocean one day, but not sure when. Definitely don't feel ready to do that at the moment - perhaps on your Birthday? and the other lot we'll take back to Hawaii with us and spread them in the ocean there. I thought I'd feel a bit funny (not in the haha sense) when I went to pick 'you' up or even in having your ashes here, but I don't. I carried them in as much of a 'hug' as I could and it was okay, and having them here isn't really weird at all, although I certainly wish it was you in health and flesh and blood instead!
Sleeping on my own is still very strange and I miss your presence and warmth in our bed. Sherri got me one of those long body pillows, which is great but of course a poor substitute for you. I've been sleeping okay (for the most part) but have had some strange dreams - for a couple of nights I was having dreams of you leaving me - the first one you left me for another woman which of course was very distressing to me in my dream and even left me feeling a bit unsettled in the morning and in the other one you just left me. I guess they are manifestations of how I'm feeling - that you've left me. I know you didn't want to, and that you didn't 'leave me' on purpose, but it's a funny feeling nonetheless.
I keep thinking - 'shit happens', death is part of the cycle of life, when it's your time, it's your time, and that we did everything that we knew to do, and that it's not up to me - I don't want to become bitter about your passing or spend my time bemoaning my loss of you. I understand that it's all part of the cycle and journey that each of us is on. Lately I've been thinking and feeling grateful for the nearly 25 years that our journeys coincided - I think we were both very good for each other in so many ways. You taught me (or maybe just helped me develop) strength, and determination (although I must have had some of that already) and consistency, and I think I helped you feel and be loved, and helped you mellow.
In looking back I'm really very sorry for my inconsistent behaviours - and the fights that we had because I wanted more from you then you were able to give. I never doubted your love, and in reflecting back I can see all that you did and were, were so much because of your love for me - and that's what you always said didn't you. I'm sorry that it was hard for me to accept the 'I'm here, aren't I?' reply to my 'Do you love me?' questions - I guess I just wanted the movie/story book romances that we 'girls' always seem to want.
I know you loved (love) me - I know that if you could have stayed with me, you would have... and for the number of times that I wondered (and if I'm honest, probably wished) that I was on my own, I so, so take it back now. I'm sure that I would rather spend our lives together settling into our older years, mellowing and beginning to 'find ourselves' again than what I am looking at now in figuring all this out on my own...
I decided to have some of your ashes put into a small urn that I can keep - I know it seems odd and I never thought I'd be someone to keep your ashes in an urn, but it is small and it can sit at my bedside without seeming to overwhelming. It's quite a heavy little urn - some type of stone or marble and really it's small enough that I don't suppose there's a lot of your ashes in it (the Funeral home people did that so I don't really know how much goes in) but it's more the symbolism of it really. I like it, and I'm glad I decided to do it...
The rest of your ashes have been divided into two lots - one lot to be spread here in Mission Beach. I'm thinking in the ocean one day, but not sure when. Definitely don't feel ready to do that at the moment - perhaps on your Birthday? and the other lot we'll take back to Hawaii with us and spread them in the ocean there. I thought I'd feel a bit funny (not in the haha sense) when I went to pick 'you' up or even in having your ashes here, but I don't. I carried them in as much of a 'hug' as I could and it was okay, and having them here isn't really weird at all, although I certainly wish it was you in health and flesh and blood instead!
Sleeping on my own is still very strange and I miss your presence and warmth in our bed. Sherri got me one of those long body pillows, which is great but of course a poor substitute for you. I've been sleeping okay (for the most part) but have had some strange dreams - for a couple of nights I was having dreams of you leaving me - the first one you left me for another woman which of course was very distressing to me in my dream and even left me feeling a bit unsettled in the morning and in the other one you just left me. I guess they are manifestations of how I'm feeling - that you've left me. I know you didn't want to, and that you didn't 'leave me' on purpose, but it's a funny feeling nonetheless.
I keep thinking - 'shit happens', death is part of the cycle of life, when it's your time, it's your time, and that we did everything that we knew to do, and that it's not up to me - I don't want to become bitter about your passing or spend my time bemoaning my loss of you. I understand that it's all part of the cycle and journey that each of us is on. Lately I've been thinking and feeling grateful for the nearly 25 years that our journeys coincided - I think we were both very good for each other in so many ways. You taught me (or maybe just helped me develop) strength, and determination (although I must have had some of that already) and consistency, and I think I helped you feel and be loved, and helped you mellow.
In looking back I'm really very sorry for my inconsistent behaviours - and the fights that we had because I wanted more from you then you were able to give. I never doubted your love, and in reflecting back I can see all that you did and were, were so much because of your love for me - and that's what you always said didn't you. I'm sorry that it was hard for me to accept the 'I'm here, aren't I?' reply to my 'Do you love me?' questions - I guess I just wanted the movie/story book romances that we 'girls' always seem to want.
I know you loved (love) me - I know that if you could have stayed with me, you would have... and for the number of times that I wondered (and if I'm honest, probably wished) that I was on my own, I so, so take it back now. I'm sure that I would rather spend our lives together settling into our older years, mellowing and beginning to 'find ourselves' again than what I am looking at now in figuring all this out on my own...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Your Memorial Service
Today is the day of your Memorial Service - and just about an hour and a half before we officially get started at 4pm. It's a beautiful day - thank-you if you had anything to do with that - and hopefully it will stay that way and the winds will stay calm through the afternoon and into the evening. We've set everything up downstairs, using Unit 4 as the bathroom, Unit 3 for all the electronics - TV for showing the photos and Rhonda's new Bose iPod system for the music, and Unit 2 for food and drinks. We've (Robin, Diana, Rhonda, the kids and I) have put all the chairs and tables from the Units around the place downstairs and it all looks very nice. Once we have the electronics and flowers and glasses set up I'll take a picture as I expect this is a memory worth having photos of. Wasn't sure if we should take pictures during the more official aspects of the afternoon, but if I can get Joanne to take some...
It's been a funny mix of emotions for me today - to be expected I suppose - I'm not entirely sure how I feel exactly. Yesterday was a bit more unsettling for me, so I guess I'm more settled today, as I picked up your ashes. I was a bit apprehensive doing so (Rhonda decided she should come with me as she felt that I shouldn't do that on my own - I was glad that she was there) but once I got to the Funeral Home and actually saw the containers with your ashes in them I was much better than I thought I would be. We looked at little urns and I've decide that I would like a little bit of your ashes to keep with me so have decided to have them put a bit of you in a little urn. Rhonda helped me pick out one which we thought seemed like a 'John' urn - it's a light brown marble and it's got quite a lot of weight to it, and it fits into the palm of my hand. Rhonda thought if I ever needed to protect myself I could do quite a lot of damage with it hitting someone - you're forever my protector.
I've been 'practicing' your eulogy - I hope that you like it. It's pretty challenging to try to sum up someone's very full life in a few pages of words, but I feel like I've been able to provide a well-rounded 'snapshot'. and the pictures are really lovely - although I had to cull so many of them because it was just too long. Diana had the idea that I put all the photos together on CDs for each of the kids - I love the idea so will do that for them as there are so many great photos of you. Plus I'm hoping to get more photos from friends and family over the next few months. You know when my last laptop crashed, we lost so many photos - pretty much all of the ones from our last visits to the States in 2004 (Hawaii) and 2005 (Virginia) which is a bit disappointing - I'm hoping that friends and families will either have copies or some of their own from that time.
So... how am I feeling? Still not sure... I guess still a bit apprehensive about this afternoon, and in a lot of ways I guess I'm looking forward to being on the other side of things. But hopefully once people begin to arrive, I will relax and be able to just 'go with the flow'. I just have that really slightly raised heartbeat, and what feels like the beginning of a headache but I think it's just the uncertainty and anxiety associated with an event like this. Plus, I really have no idea how many people will be here, or if there'll be too much (or not enough) food and drink for everyone. The other thing is that it feels like today is another changing point - I've told myself that I need to get back into / find my routine again after the Memorial Service. And while I won't be going back to work until after we come back from the States I just feel like I need to start 'doing things' again. So... I've been making a mental list (which will become a written list) of things that need to be done around here and I guess I'll just start doing them. But, I know from here it all really changes - that you really aren't coming back, that I really do need to learn how to do this on my own, and I need to figure out who I am without you...
It's a weird feeling...
It's been a funny mix of emotions for me today - to be expected I suppose - I'm not entirely sure how I feel exactly. Yesterday was a bit more unsettling for me, so I guess I'm more settled today, as I picked up your ashes. I was a bit apprehensive doing so (Rhonda decided she should come with me as she felt that I shouldn't do that on my own - I was glad that she was there) but once I got to the Funeral Home and actually saw the containers with your ashes in them I was much better than I thought I would be. We looked at little urns and I've decide that I would like a little bit of your ashes to keep with me so have decided to have them put a bit of you in a little urn. Rhonda helped me pick out one which we thought seemed like a 'John' urn - it's a light brown marble and it's got quite a lot of weight to it, and it fits into the palm of my hand. Rhonda thought if I ever needed to protect myself I could do quite a lot of damage with it hitting someone - you're forever my protector.
I've been 'practicing' your eulogy - I hope that you like it. It's pretty challenging to try to sum up someone's very full life in a few pages of words, but I feel like I've been able to provide a well-rounded 'snapshot'. and the pictures are really lovely - although I had to cull so many of them because it was just too long. Diana had the idea that I put all the photos together on CDs for each of the kids - I love the idea so will do that for them as there are so many great photos of you. Plus I'm hoping to get more photos from friends and family over the next few months. You know when my last laptop crashed, we lost so many photos - pretty much all of the ones from our last visits to the States in 2004 (Hawaii) and 2005 (Virginia) which is a bit disappointing - I'm hoping that friends and families will either have copies or some of their own from that time.
So... how am I feeling? Still not sure... I guess still a bit apprehensive about this afternoon, and in a lot of ways I guess I'm looking forward to being on the other side of things. But hopefully once people begin to arrive, I will relax and be able to just 'go with the flow'. I just have that really slightly raised heartbeat, and what feels like the beginning of a headache but I think it's just the uncertainty and anxiety associated with an event like this. Plus, I really have no idea how many people will be here, or if there'll be too much (or not enough) food and drink for everyone. The other thing is that it feels like today is another changing point - I've told myself that I need to get back into / find my routine again after the Memorial Service. And while I won't be going back to work until after we come back from the States I just feel like I need to start 'doing things' again. So... I've been making a mental list (which will become a written list) of things that need to be done around here and I guess I'll just start doing them. But, I know from here it all really changes - that you really aren't coming back, that I really do need to learn how to do this on my own, and I need to figure out who I am without you...
It's a weird feeling...
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