I think about you a lot and wonder if you - whether it's the 'you' that I know or the 'higher self' you or the 'diamond facet' you (I like that one) - have a consciousness of this life still, or of my life? Is it like the movies/books/thoughts out there that would suggest that our loved ones that have passed on are somehow 'looking down' or 'watching over' us still here on Earth, in this consciousness or is it not like that at all... as I try to understand that I am part of a much 'larger' thing/consciousness, certainly bigger than me or any individual, I try to imagine how you might still be part of me/my life and my day to day living.
Do you somehow try to communicate / send me messages/signs/signals about what to do next or how to do something? Are you able to 'protect' me or 'help' me do things?
It sounds a little silly when I read what I've written - sounded so much more romantic in my head...
Do you read / hear /somehow know what I'm thinking and what I've been writing in this blog?
Margaret has said that in showing you the unconditional love in those last weeks/months of your life (it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of our time together in the last 6 months of your time with me) that I have somehow helped you to realise your higher self and higher purpose - I so hope that is that case. I hope that in your next existence on Earth that you are able to live a happier and more settled life...
I know you were happy, but I also know that you were somehow also hurt/angry/frustrated by things (I'm not even sure that you knew or were aware of it) - you were so quick to anger at certain things and so easily frustrated, especially by the kids.
I expect that you wouldn't have been overly pleased at how our household runs now that you're not with us anymore... Perhaps I should have tried harder to keep the same routines and expectations that you and I did as a couple but I just don't know that I could have - While it represented what 'we' as a couple felt, to be honest, I'm not sure that it still represents what me as an individual and now single parent feels... I want to continue providing structure and routine in our home, and I will but I know it looks different. And perhaps if it was the other way around, and it was you still here and not me, it would look different again.
The kids are still 'finding their feet' and their balance in this massive change that your passing has caused us, as am I... in general, we are okay. We are coping, we are moving forward, and we are missing you... you are in our thoughts (well, certainly in mine) in everything that I do - sometimes I think I am doing it how you would have and sometimes I realise that I can do things differently because it's just up to me - I try to follow my 'heart' and intuition, and trust that the Universe will provide.
I often tell myself that "I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing", and feeling that I am always moving towards my higher good/purpose (although I can't say that I know what that is)... I am thinking about a few things as part of my future - 1) going back to study - considering maybe a EdD (Doctorate of Education) - I still get to be called 'Dr.' as and when seems appropriate - I know maybe not the best motivation (and of course there are other motivators as well) but still I can't help but like that part of it! and 2) learning to play the guitar again... of course in thinking about both of those, because I still keep thinking that I want to write a book about my growing up years (I still really think it would make a great read - and so does all the family that I've mentioned it to...), anyway - WHEN do I have the time to do all these things? Do I go for it anyway??? Or should I be a be more realistic and organised about how I spend my time? Of course next year will be a challenge with the commitments that I have already taken on - full-time teaching, Corporate Secretary for the Board and managing the Units - as well as all the other day-to-day normal living things of a mom and now single woman...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I felt good yesterday...
I had a good day yesterday, really a pretty good weekend overall so I'm not sure why I'm feeling so out-of-sorts today. I didn't sleep very well last night which may be part of the reason... and, I'm not sure if I didn't sleep well last night because earlier in the evening I had said that our house 'didn't make weird noises at night', and had been thinking at different times recently how well I generally slept at night - so... did those things bring on a disrupted sleep last night? and if so, how does that work? My sub-conscious trying to 'protect me'??? It was weird though - I woke up / was woken up(?) at about 2.30am by what I thought was Ethan in my bathroom looking for a panadol... I know weird specific thought, but that was the first thing that came to my head. It seemed that I had heard footsteps and then drawers sliding and then panadol being looked for - very specific thoughts and sounds... but as I listened I began to think that the drawers sliding sound was really just the ocean and the waves on the sand - it was the calmest night we've had in a long while so there were a lot more 'sounds' to hear (as opposed to when the wind is howling and the waves crashing and the raining falling) - I was also hot so ended up getting up, using the toliet, and turning on the fan...
I woke up again about 3.30am by what seemed to feel like an earthquake - I know weird again... But I had that sensation of trembling, but in thinking about it, it also felt like it was a bit far away like feeling the shockwaves of an explosion... but I don't think anyone else felt / heard anything as neither kid said anything this morning... plus I think there was someone sitting at the bench infront of the neighbours so I think that periodically I was hearing them as well...
I don't know... both times I felt wide-awake, spent a bit of time thinking / wondering about what I'd heard / felt and then went back to sleep. I didn't feel overly concerned or anxious, more just curious (?) as to why I had woken up... and it's always weird because you're never quite sure about what's woken you up - if it's a noise or sensation it always seems to be more in your dream so hard to know how 'real' it is when you're actually awake...
So... did 'real' things actually wake me up, was it the big birthday dinner we had for Megan at Castaways? Nice dinner too - glad I remembered my local's discount! I think Megan enjoyed it too. Or was it the chocolate cake, cherries and cream we had for dessert? I didn't have that much really - I really felt full from dinner (and I didn't even finish mine - Ethan did). Or was it the one glass of red wine? Or any of the above????
And WHY???? do I feel so out-of-sorts today? I just feel a bit 'blah' or flat... lacking of motivation or any desire to do/think/feel much of anything... and I can feel a bit of a headache...
I had a really healthy fresh vege juice for breakfast this morning - carrots, beet, celery, ginger, lime and apple - very tasty and actually more filling than I would have expected. I didn't get my 'home' coffee (maybe that's it!) but I've had one here at work and am still feeling a bit low... maybe I'll feel better after a morning tea break.
Yesterday I did feel quite good though - better than I have in a while actually. A good nights sleep, a bit of a sleep in and a slow moving morning, blogged for the first time in two months. Went to the markets, bought some fruit had a couple of spring rolls and found a nice secret santa pressie... went to yoga - always good. Came home, had leftovers for lunch, did some fiddly things in the office/on the computer, skyped with Nahele and Kelly, phone call with my mom and had a nice dinner out with the kids... TV shows and then bed at a reasonable time...
Been really working on the 'being in the now', reminding myself to stay focused on 'now' and not spend too much time worrying about / anticipating the future or feeling sad about the past. I still miss you so much... saw one of the old guys that bike rides every day this morning on my way to work and it made me think of you in a sad way... I've also been working on enjoying and smiling during my memories/thoughts of you - I want them to be good and positive things, not moments that make me sad or want to not have them. I love thinking about you and what you used to do and our times together - I want those things to be positive for me and not sad all the time...
I really want to 'do this' right - whatever 'this' is... I want to learn my lessons, reach a higher level of consciousness, move forward more centred/balance/together, I want to live a 'better' life... although I think that I've been living a pretty good life so far, I want to be better/brighter/more balance/more peaceful/more purposeful... I want to be 100% involved with today, with clarity and purpose...
My plan is for the today to be better! and to get a better night's sleep tonight...
I woke up again about 3.30am by what seemed to feel like an earthquake - I know weird again... But I had that sensation of trembling, but in thinking about it, it also felt like it was a bit far away like feeling the shockwaves of an explosion... but I don't think anyone else felt / heard anything as neither kid said anything this morning... plus I think there was someone sitting at the bench infront of the neighbours so I think that periodically I was hearing them as well...
I don't know... both times I felt wide-awake, spent a bit of time thinking / wondering about what I'd heard / felt and then went back to sleep. I didn't feel overly concerned or anxious, more just curious (?) as to why I had woken up... and it's always weird because you're never quite sure about what's woken you up - if it's a noise or sensation it always seems to be more in your dream so hard to know how 'real' it is when you're actually awake...
So... did 'real' things actually wake me up, was it the big birthday dinner we had for Megan at Castaways? Nice dinner too - glad I remembered my local's discount! I think Megan enjoyed it too. Or was it the chocolate cake, cherries and cream we had for dessert? I didn't have that much really - I really felt full from dinner (and I didn't even finish mine - Ethan did). Or was it the one glass of red wine? Or any of the above????
And WHY???? do I feel so out-of-sorts today? I just feel a bit 'blah' or flat... lacking of motivation or any desire to do/think/feel much of anything... and I can feel a bit of a headache...
I had a really healthy fresh vege juice for breakfast this morning - carrots, beet, celery, ginger, lime and apple - very tasty and actually more filling than I would have expected. I didn't get my 'home' coffee (maybe that's it!) but I've had one here at work and am still feeling a bit low... maybe I'll feel better after a morning tea break.
Yesterday I did feel quite good though - better than I have in a while actually. A good nights sleep, a bit of a sleep in and a slow moving morning, blogged for the first time in two months. Went to the markets, bought some fruit had a couple of spring rolls and found a nice secret santa pressie... went to yoga - always good. Came home, had leftovers for lunch, did some fiddly things in the office/on the computer, skyped with Nahele and Kelly, phone call with my mom and had a nice dinner out with the kids... TV shows and then bed at a reasonable time...
Been really working on the 'being in the now', reminding myself to stay focused on 'now' and not spend too much time worrying about / anticipating the future or feeling sad about the past. I still miss you so much... saw one of the old guys that bike rides every day this morning on my way to work and it made me think of you in a sad way... I've also been working on enjoying and smiling during my memories/thoughts of you - I want them to be good and positive things, not moments that make me sad or want to not have them. I love thinking about you and what you used to do and our times together - I want those things to be positive for me and not sad all the time...
I really want to 'do this' right - whatever 'this' is... I want to learn my lessons, reach a higher level of consciousness, move forward more centred/balance/together, I want to live a 'better' life... although I think that I've been living a pretty good life so far, I want to be better/brighter/more balance/more peaceful/more purposeful... I want to be 100% involved with today, with clarity and purpose...
My plan is for the today to be better! and to get a better night's sleep tonight...
Saturday, November 27, 2010
It's been a long while
It's been a long while since I've written although I've thought about writing lots... just haven't found the proper headspace and time to sit and put my thoughts down. Lots has happened since my last writing - it's been nearly 2 months. We took the trip back to the States and had two Memorial Services and spread your ashes (well, 1/2 of your ashes) into the ocean in front of the Puako ramp - I think it was the hardest (well, most emotionally ripping) thing that I've had to do since your death - more on that later, let me start from the beginning.
Celi was here for about 3 weeks before we left for the States - it was really good having her here (although I also found myself wanting 'alone' time, which I hadn't really gotten any of at that point as there were almost constantly people around - mom for a couple of weeks before Celi and then of course lots of friends coming by regularly). Anyway, it was good having Celi here, and all the other people that spent time with me (and the kids) - I suppose it was a distraction, as so many things have been over the last 4 months....
Distraction from what exactly?
From my sorrow - I still feel that, all the time. I have moments where 'life' feels okay and I feel almost happy, somewhat settled and generally okay with things... but then I'll feel my loss - my loss of you, my partner and anchor. I am working on not feeling lost, but I often still do - that feeling of 'what now' or 'what next' pops into my head...
The black cockatoos are back... noisy!! but lovely to look at flying around or when they are sitting on the trees/ground eating - I can't help but wonder what they are squawking about, what are they communicating to each other? Ah... another distraction...
So, what have I been 'distracted' from? That's what I've been calling things/activities - visitors, the trip to the States, dealing with the 'everyday' - distractions, but from what? Are they distractions from 'dealing with' your death? But what does that mean? 'Dealing with your death'??? I seem to refer to all of this often as 'part of the process' - the process of learning how to live without you? I suppose that's what it is, learning how to live without you being that integral part of my life, the person that I always thought about first when making plans, or thinking about 'what next'. Now I'm having to learn how to run this business on my own (that's another part of the story), be a good, supportive and involved parent, have a full-time job and everything else that needs to be done right now... learning how to be on my own, trust my own thoughts (without having you to discuss things or bounce my ideas off of or get your ideas to counter/balance mine...), figure out what I want to do ('I', all by myself - what is it that I want to do?) - is it different to what 'we' wanted to do together? Kinda... I know we never really decided to live in Costa Rica but I can't really see myself visiting there on my own...
The only thing that's really come to me about 'what next' is that I think I'd like to go back and live in Hawaii again - not sure for how long but for a season. I know it's something that you and I had discussed anyway, so perhaps it's not just a 'me' idea but it really felt good to be back there when we went for our visit. It felt good to be 'home' and to be around family (even though I'm sure it wouldn't take long for them all to drive me nuts!!), to eat familiar food (although I did gain weight!), and be in that sooo familiar surroundings - I really love Hawaii... Celi and I have discussed teaching at UHH - I really like that idea too. 2014 seemed to be the year... we both thought we probably needed that lead in time to get prepared, although I'm thinking more like 2013... I don't know 2014 seems so far away, but maybe it's really not...
So, back to distractions... maybe they haven't been distractions at all (first time I've considered it that way), maybe all of what's happened since your death (and perhaps all that's happened in our lives) are exactly what needed to happen to move us forward to the next step? I've been reading Echart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' - it takes a lot to get my head around it (it's all kinda heady stuff) but it seems to have a resonance that makes sense to me at the moment, at this moment as I try to make sense of my life now... I really, really do not want to 'dwell' in your death, and my loss... I think it's important that I don't get into the headspace of feeling sorry for myself, of berating the world/universe/god for my losing you and for your illness and death, of 'not moving forward' because of this major change/transition, or of 'getting stuck' here in this headspace... I want to be able to smile (and I'm getting there) when I think about you and our time together, to remember happily all the wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) experiences and learning that we shared. I want to be able to take everything that you were to me, that you taught me, gave me, shared with me and continue living a good, happy, purposeful life... so, I've been reading different things, having sessions with Margaret that really help, reminding myself to 'stay in the now', going to yoga (I went to a weekend yoga retreat that was really fantastic and certainly helped to find some balance), going to meditation class (last one for the year, but I'm working on incorporating some form of meditation into my day/week)...
So... since my last posting we've been back to the States - Hawaii for two weeks, Virginia for about 10 days, 3 days in DC (well we stayed in Virginia - Chantilly, but went into DC for two days), and 3 days in Santa Cruz with Kim and family... what a trip it was! I think we saw pretty much every family member, and most friends that we have kept in touch with over the years... except for some of the nieces and nephews, and I didn't get to see Jeff & Gay while we were in Virginia as he was called away to work at the last minute and couldn't get to the Memorial Service. All of your brothers and sisters came to Staunton/Churchville, which was pretty nice. I know your mother was very pleased that they had all made the effort and that they were all there, even your sister Liz. So, in the end it was a mini-Family Reunion - and you missed out!! Well, kinda - I suppose you were there in spirit, but it was cause for more than a few discussions and laughs that 1) the guy that said he'd never come back to the Northern Hemisphere was there (well your ashes made it as far as Hawaii...) in spirit? and 2) while you didn't want to 'do' another family reunion (I'm not sure that anyone did really) here we all were, having a family reunion (and it had been 5 years since the last so we were right on schedule!) because of you!!! It wasn't as long as previous one's (probably just as well) and of course Pat (your sister) wasn't actually there when everyone else was (I guess Jerry 'stood' in for her) because Jack was in a Houston hospital recovering from a burst appendix (just can't have a Hillery Family reunion without some kind of mishap!). We skyped her and Jack into the Memorial Service (technology, huh?) which was good and I left her a CD copy of the photo/music montage... What a time that was though - it was lovely to be with your family, there are all such good people and even Paul and Kath were so supportive... and your 'long lost' cousins even came from New Hampshire (Leo - boy did he have an accent), Margy from North Carolina and can't remember her name now, from Florida - cousins on the Hillery side, but really nice and very thoughtful for them to make the effort, I know your mother was pleased that they did so...
I think that your death has been hard on your mom... well hard on all of us but for your mom I think it's been difficult to get her head around. You know she loves you so much - perhaps because of your independence, or your earlier experiences with your father, or because you have been so consistently in touch over the years, and have been a consistent, successful adult - your mother takes pride in that. She misses you...
I miss you... I always knew that I loved you, more that I understood why actually... I hope you knew and understood how much... I certainly realise now, more than before how much... thank-you for being such an important part of my life...
Celi was here for about 3 weeks before we left for the States - it was really good having her here (although I also found myself wanting 'alone' time, which I hadn't really gotten any of at that point as there were almost constantly people around - mom for a couple of weeks before Celi and then of course lots of friends coming by regularly). Anyway, it was good having Celi here, and all the other people that spent time with me (and the kids) - I suppose it was a distraction, as so many things have been over the last 4 months....
Distraction from what exactly?
From my sorrow - I still feel that, all the time. I have moments where 'life' feels okay and I feel almost happy, somewhat settled and generally okay with things... but then I'll feel my loss - my loss of you, my partner and anchor. I am working on not feeling lost, but I often still do - that feeling of 'what now' or 'what next' pops into my head...
The black cockatoos are back... noisy!! but lovely to look at flying around or when they are sitting on the trees/ground eating - I can't help but wonder what they are squawking about, what are they communicating to each other? Ah... another distraction...
So, what have I been 'distracted' from? That's what I've been calling things/activities - visitors, the trip to the States, dealing with the 'everyday' - distractions, but from what? Are they distractions from 'dealing with' your death? But what does that mean? 'Dealing with your death'??? I seem to refer to all of this often as 'part of the process' - the process of learning how to live without you? I suppose that's what it is, learning how to live without you being that integral part of my life, the person that I always thought about first when making plans, or thinking about 'what next'. Now I'm having to learn how to run this business on my own (that's another part of the story), be a good, supportive and involved parent, have a full-time job and everything else that needs to be done right now... learning how to be on my own, trust my own thoughts (without having you to discuss things or bounce my ideas off of or get your ideas to counter/balance mine...), figure out what I want to do ('I', all by myself - what is it that I want to do?) - is it different to what 'we' wanted to do together? Kinda... I know we never really decided to live in Costa Rica but I can't really see myself visiting there on my own...
The only thing that's really come to me about 'what next' is that I think I'd like to go back and live in Hawaii again - not sure for how long but for a season. I know it's something that you and I had discussed anyway, so perhaps it's not just a 'me' idea but it really felt good to be back there when we went for our visit. It felt good to be 'home' and to be around family (even though I'm sure it wouldn't take long for them all to drive me nuts!!), to eat familiar food (although I did gain weight!), and be in that sooo familiar surroundings - I really love Hawaii... Celi and I have discussed teaching at UHH - I really like that idea too. 2014 seemed to be the year... we both thought we probably needed that lead in time to get prepared, although I'm thinking more like 2013... I don't know 2014 seems so far away, but maybe it's really not...
So, back to distractions... maybe they haven't been distractions at all (first time I've considered it that way), maybe all of what's happened since your death (and perhaps all that's happened in our lives) are exactly what needed to happen to move us forward to the next step? I've been reading Echart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' - it takes a lot to get my head around it (it's all kinda heady stuff) but it seems to have a resonance that makes sense to me at the moment, at this moment as I try to make sense of my life now... I really, really do not want to 'dwell' in your death, and my loss... I think it's important that I don't get into the headspace of feeling sorry for myself, of berating the world/universe/god for my losing you and for your illness and death, of 'not moving forward' because of this major change/transition, or of 'getting stuck' here in this headspace... I want to be able to smile (and I'm getting there) when I think about you and our time together, to remember happily all the wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) experiences and learning that we shared. I want to be able to take everything that you were to me, that you taught me, gave me, shared with me and continue living a good, happy, purposeful life... so, I've been reading different things, having sessions with Margaret that really help, reminding myself to 'stay in the now', going to yoga (I went to a weekend yoga retreat that was really fantastic and certainly helped to find some balance), going to meditation class (last one for the year, but I'm working on incorporating some form of meditation into my day/week)...
So... since my last posting we've been back to the States - Hawaii for two weeks, Virginia for about 10 days, 3 days in DC (well we stayed in Virginia - Chantilly, but went into DC for two days), and 3 days in Santa Cruz with Kim and family... what a trip it was! I think we saw pretty much every family member, and most friends that we have kept in touch with over the years... except for some of the nieces and nephews, and I didn't get to see Jeff & Gay while we were in Virginia as he was called away to work at the last minute and couldn't get to the Memorial Service. All of your brothers and sisters came to Staunton/Churchville, which was pretty nice. I know your mother was very pleased that they had all made the effort and that they were all there, even your sister Liz. So, in the end it was a mini-Family Reunion - and you missed out!! Well, kinda - I suppose you were there in spirit, but it was cause for more than a few discussions and laughs that 1) the guy that said he'd never come back to the Northern Hemisphere was there (well your ashes made it as far as Hawaii...) in spirit? and 2) while you didn't want to 'do' another family reunion (I'm not sure that anyone did really) here we all were, having a family reunion (and it had been 5 years since the last so we were right on schedule!) because of you!!! It wasn't as long as previous one's (probably just as well) and of course Pat (your sister) wasn't actually there when everyone else was (I guess Jerry 'stood' in for her) because Jack was in a Houston hospital recovering from a burst appendix (just can't have a Hillery Family reunion without some kind of mishap!). We skyped her and Jack into the Memorial Service (technology, huh?) which was good and I left her a CD copy of the photo/music montage... What a time that was though - it was lovely to be with your family, there are all such good people and even Paul and Kath were so supportive... and your 'long lost' cousins even came from New Hampshire (Leo - boy did he have an accent), Margy from North Carolina and can't remember her name now, from Florida - cousins on the Hillery side, but really nice and very thoughtful for them to make the effort, I know your mother was pleased that they did so...
I think that your death has been hard on your mom... well hard on all of us but for your mom I think it's been difficult to get her head around. You know she loves you so much - perhaps because of your independence, or your earlier experiences with your father, or because you have been so consistently in touch over the years, and have been a consistent, successful adult - your mother takes pride in that. She misses you...
I miss you... I always knew that I loved you, more that I understood why actually... I hope you knew and understood how much... I certainly realise now, more than before how much... thank-you for being such an important part of my life...
Friday, September 10, 2010
The numbness may be wearing off...
It's been nearly two months since your passing - I'm never sure whether I want to call it 'your death' or 'your passing'. My sister says that passing sounds less harsh, and I suppose it is a bit of a passing - from this journey to the next, from this life to the next?, passing from my life? Not sure really, but it's been almost eight weeks...
I think that the numbness (and shock?) may be wearing off now - On one hand I feel more settled and a bit more balanced in my day-to-day, my memory seems to be working better now, and my thought processes have more clarity. But on the other hand I feel the loss of you more acutely, I feel slightly more vulnerable, and I often sit on the edge of tears - it doesn't take much, a memory, picture, thought, mention of you - to bring tears to my eyes... I guess I just feel a bit more 'tender' than I have been. Don't know why really, but that's why I think perhaps the numbness is wearing off.
I still have that sensation that you'll be back... like you've just gone some place for a while where I can't get in touch with you, can't talk to you, don't know where you are, but that you'll be back. I can watch a movie or a TV show and think 'John would like this' and have this sensation (because it's not really a conscious thought) that I'll have to tell you about it, or get you to watch it... and then it'll come to me that that's not really going to happen - strange feeling really.
I've just found out that I've gotten the position at Mission Beach School that I'd 'put out to the Universe' that I wanted/needed. I'm really pleased and excited, and nervous and anxious too! I feel that working at MBSS will be a good way for me to get back into teaching in the classroom again - close to home, familiar and supportive staff and atmosphere, primary-aged teaching (a new challenge for me but I'm looking forward to having my own group of kids for the year...). I know it will be challenging - it's been a while since I've been in a classroom, I've never taught primary aged kids across all subjects, all year.... I'm a little nervous about how I'll go with classroom management and behaviour management and their learning management for that matter... but I'm up for the challenge, or at least will be when the time comes. I have to admit, I'm glad I'm not starting next month... But starting next year gives me some time to get my head around things to come, and time to settle and balance my 'new life'.
When I saw Margaret a bit ago she said that it was like our 'higher selves' had sat together (on a cloud perhaps??) and discussed what we needed/wanted from each other to what? I don't know - get to a higher consciousness, learn the next lesson, get closer to nirvana - not sure really, I haven't quite figured out that part of the process yet... but, our higher selves made a bit of a deal to be together (for a season - nearly 25 years as it turned out) to help each other through... so our paths crossed, we loved, supported, fought, challenged, and were there for each other - thick and thin, good and bad, health and illness. And then.... it was your time to move on, pass through... and you left. You left...
I understand that you 'didn't leave me' as such - I know it wasn't my fault, I couldn't/we couldn't have done anything differently, it was your time to move on. Does that mean that you 'learn the lesson'? That we did what we needed to do together, for each other?
I do still feel a bit 'lost'... I so want to 'have a direction', know what I'm here for, find some peace with my life, know the 'truth'... but perhaps I was 'lost' while you were here too, it's just that your presence gave me an anchor, a solid rock to hold on to, to check my positioning against, to navigate from and back to again. And now, you're not here...
I realise now and again, that I am/have to be my own anchor, that it's up to me how I navigate through this next phase of my being - in a way it's quite a 'freeing' sensation. I'm not quite sure how to handle it just yet, and am just now getting a sense of new possibilities.
I keep thinking that it's important to 'move on', to 'move forward' and take advantage (sounds strange but I do think that's the right term) of the opportunities that this new life is presenting to me. It's important to me that I do move forward, that I don't continue in old patterns and habits that I found frustrating. I want to learn to be by myself, to be independent, to feel good/confident about making my own decisions (big and small), about 'following my heart, my truth' and finding that 'thing' that allows me to find peace, happiness and contentment with my life. I am truly not sure what that is yet... I am trusting in the Universe that it will become obvious to me as I stay open, I know that there's something much bigger than you and I happening here...
I do think about sex though... I really miss being touched, held, felt in all those sensitive and tender spots. I'm not quite sure how I'll handle that in the future. I accept that it's probably not something that'll happen (making love, having sex with someone) anytime too soon - it'd be too hard, too complicated, to scary... on so many levels at the moment so I guess it's another lesson to be learned. But down the track I think that I would want a 'lover', not another partner - not for a while anyway, as I expect that I will want that companionship in the future. I'd like to think that you would want that for me too... I really do want to 'do this on my own' for a while though - I want to be secure, happy, confident, trusting in the Universe and truth of my life, and I think I have to do that on my own. That another person (partner?) in my life would be a distraction from that path... I am hoping though that I can achieve all of what I want, but still be able to have a warm, loving, supportive lover that fits into to it all... not sure how that'll work just yet, but trusting that it will...
I think that the numbness (and shock?) may be wearing off now - On one hand I feel more settled and a bit more balanced in my day-to-day, my memory seems to be working better now, and my thought processes have more clarity. But on the other hand I feel the loss of you more acutely, I feel slightly more vulnerable, and I often sit on the edge of tears - it doesn't take much, a memory, picture, thought, mention of you - to bring tears to my eyes... I guess I just feel a bit more 'tender' than I have been. Don't know why really, but that's why I think perhaps the numbness is wearing off.
I still have that sensation that you'll be back... like you've just gone some place for a while where I can't get in touch with you, can't talk to you, don't know where you are, but that you'll be back. I can watch a movie or a TV show and think 'John would like this' and have this sensation (because it's not really a conscious thought) that I'll have to tell you about it, or get you to watch it... and then it'll come to me that that's not really going to happen - strange feeling really.
I've just found out that I've gotten the position at Mission Beach School that I'd 'put out to the Universe' that I wanted/needed. I'm really pleased and excited, and nervous and anxious too! I feel that working at MBSS will be a good way for me to get back into teaching in the classroom again - close to home, familiar and supportive staff and atmosphere, primary-aged teaching (a new challenge for me but I'm looking forward to having my own group of kids for the year...). I know it will be challenging - it's been a while since I've been in a classroom, I've never taught primary aged kids across all subjects, all year.... I'm a little nervous about how I'll go with classroom management and behaviour management and their learning management for that matter... but I'm up for the challenge, or at least will be when the time comes. I have to admit, I'm glad I'm not starting next month... But starting next year gives me some time to get my head around things to come, and time to settle and balance my 'new life'.
When I saw Margaret a bit ago she said that it was like our 'higher selves' had sat together (on a cloud perhaps??) and discussed what we needed/wanted from each other to what? I don't know - get to a higher consciousness, learn the next lesson, get closer to nirvana - not sure really, I haven't quite figured out that part of the process yet... but, our higher selves made a bit of a deal to be together (for a season - nearly 25 years as it turned out) to help each other through... so our paths crossed, we loved, supported, fought, challenged, and were there for each other - thick and thin, good and bad, health and illness. And then.... it was your time to move on, pass through... and you left. You left...
I understand that you 'didn't leave me' as such - I know it wasn't my fault, I couldn't/we couldn't have done anything differently, it was your time to move on. Does that mean that you 'learn the lesson'? That we did what we needed to do together, for each other?
I do still feel a bit 'lost'... I so want to 'have a direction', know what I'm here for, find some peace with my life, know the 'truth'... but perhaps I was 'lost' while you were here too, it's just that your presence gave me an anchor, a solid rock to hold on to, to check my positioning against, to navigate from and back to again. And now, you're not here...
I realise now and again, that I am/have to be my own anchor, that it's up to me how I navigate through this next phase of my being - in a way it's quite a 'freeing' sensation. I'm not quite sure how to handle it just yet, and am just now getting a sense of new possibilities.
I keep thinking that it's important to 'move on', to 'move forward' and take advantage (sounds strange but I do think that's the right term) of the opportunities that this new life is presenting to me. It's important to me that I do move forward, that I don't continue in old patterns and habits that I found frustrating. I want to learn to be by myself, to be independent, to feel good/confident about making my own decisions (big and small), about 'following my heart, my truth' and finding that 'thing' that allows me to find peace, happiness and contentment with my life. I am truly not sure what that is yet... I am trusting in the Universe that it will become obvious to me as I stay open, I know that there's something much bigger than you and I happening here...
I do think about sex though... I really miss being touched, held, felt in all those sensitive and tender spots. I'm not quite sure how I'll handle that in the future. I accept that it's probably not something that'll happen (making love, having sex with someone) anytime too soon - it'd be too hard, too complicated, to scary... on so many levels at the moment so I guess it's another lesson to be learned. But down the track I think that I would want a 'lover', not another partner - not for a while anyway, as I expect that I will want that companionship in the future. I'd like to think that you would want that for me too... I really do want to 'do this on my own' for a while though - I want to be secure, happy, confident, trusting in the Universe and truth of my life, and I think I have to do that on my own. That another person (partner?) in my life would be a distraction from that path... I am hoping though that I can achieve all of what I want, but still be able to have a warm, loving, supportive lover that fits into to it all... not sure how that'll work just yet, but trusting that it will...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I'm trying to keep calm, cool and collected...
Ethan had a bit of a car wreck today... probably calling it a 'car wreck' is a bit more than it actually was but I'm not sure what else you would call it. Basically he ran off the road and scratched the car up a bit, broke the side-view mirror (passenger's side) and has probably thrown out the wheel alignment and possibly the suspension. He's fine - a few scratches from getting out of the car into the bushes that he ended up stopping in but nothing from the car accident itself.
Of course he was pretty shaken up and in a bit of shock. I was at yoga so didn't actually speak to him until he got home again - so the car is drivable - he called me while I was driving home. And when I did arrive I got a big 'shaky' hug - he was obviously pretty upset. I can just imagine what your reaction would have been... and to be honest, I'm glad you weren't here for it because I'm sure it would have been that much more stressful, for all of us! As it was, there was a police officer here when I arrived - and of course the guests all arrived home (from a fishing trip - one of them gave me a large spanish makeral - that's another story) so it seemed like it was 'all happening'. There was a police report written and he will get some type of summons (I guess that's what it's called) which he can choose to either plead guilty (apparently he can do that in writing), go to court to contest the charge or plead not-guilty - I guess you can probably guess which option I will be recommending. He apparently will get some type of fine ($200 to $300 according to the police officer) and 3 points - big bummer for him as he will also have to pay for the car to be fixed (again! it just came back from the panel beaters for fixing the side of the car that he hit the fence with) and I've told him he's riding his bike to work for the next week...
Arrgghh!!!!!
I didn't yell, but I tried to stress to him that, that didn't mean that I wasn't angry... and I didn't lecture. We did discuss things at length though and I soooo hope that he's 'gotten the lesson' this time around. What else can I do though??? I just don't think yelling, getting really upset, banning him totally from use of the car (although I did tell him if it happened again, that was it, he wasn't driving my car/s anymore - not sure how productive that was but I couldn't stop myself from saying it) was going to make much difference. I know that he was shaken, and upset, and scared about what happened and I just hope, pray, wish, that he 'gets it' this time...
I went and saw Margaret again yesterday - I guess it's been at least a half dozen visits now (while you were sick and since you've passed away) and it really has helped me. I don't know how to exactly explain how - there's a kind of an affirmation of what I am feeling I guess, as well as new ways of looking at/considering where my life is now, and how I might approach my journey now that you're no longer here in person. I want to believe that you are still here - and that someday we will 'be together' again - but I'm still trying to figure out how that all works. I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling how reincarnation and 'being with me in spirit' works - can you do both? I don't know. I've been thinking that I will ask Margaret how that works but for some reason just haven't done so yet.
I brought you (in your little urn) to my appointment yesterday - don't know why really, just felt like I should. I also brought that ring that your sister found on the sidewalk in Brisbane last year, and that you put in my bag when I left it on the counter at the apartment when we left. Margaret held you (in the urn) and said that 'you understood so much more, or maybe you understood it all' now, that what was a narrow vision when you were on Earth was now a vision of the 'big picture' and that it all made sense to you now. I so want to believe that, to believe that 'you' are okay, happy, pain-free (in every sense of the concept), and I soooo wish you could explain it (the big picture) to me... I want to believe that you are watching over me, taking care of me, being there for me... just like you always have been. And perhaps you are - Ethan wasn't hurt today (and he didn't hurt anyone else) and he could have been... I just want to 'know' it - I want to be able to say that you are 'there' with conviction, but I just can't seem to (yet). Will it come to me? Will I suddenly understand one day? I keep reading these different books, and I keep going to yoga (which I really do love going to), and I keep talking to myself and repeating what I've been reading, but will I one day 'just know', will I truly be a peace (while I am still physically on this Earth) or will I always be 'searching'???
Margaret also held the ring - it's such a pretty ring - and said that it was a powerful message (from who? I should have asked) that was here to help me. She said that it 'found me', was 'for me' and that I shouldn't take any of the stones out (which I had pretty much decided I wouldn't do anyway). So, I've begun to wear it. It took me a little while to figure out which finger to wear it on - I had to move rings around and try it on different fingers before I worked out the best 'ring configuration' and for some reason it feels like it's another ring from you (like all the rest of my rings). It really does... so that's the way that I will think about it from now on - it's from you.
I've been skyping with your sister and Jerry lately... you're mum's not doing so well, although it does sound like it's mostly her age, which I suppose is a bit to be expected. I think that your passing has also had a real impact on her, actually Pat & Jerry said that since she found out about the diagnosis in January that she's been kinda going 'down hill'. The other thing that I think is hard, is that she's always been so active and self-sufficient and she's losing her ability to be that way and I think that's very hard for her... I wish there was something to do or say that would make her feel better, but I'm not sure that there is. I will try to spend some 'quiet' time with her while I am there - I hope that I'll be able to as I have a feeling that it'll be a bit of a 'family reunion' with all of us there and as you'd know it's pretty challenging to have 'quiet' time when we're all there. Of course, it'll be pretty weird without you there... but Jerry, Pat and I had a good laugh on skype today when we all agreed that you'd be happy that you weren't!!
You know it's weird when I watch a movie or TV show and think, 'you would have really enjoyed that'... I just keep getting that feeling that I'll be able to talk to you about it later, or that you'll be back in awhile (like maybe next year). It's an odd feeling because I know you're not coming back... but again, it's that feeling that you are here, that I'll find you again. Maybe that's it, it's like you're lost, but that I know I'll find you again and you'll be okay... I don't know how to explain it because being lost doesn't sound good either... Maybe part of me just wants to be able to see you again so that you can tell me that you're proud of the way that I've handled things since you're death (although perhaps you wouldn't have been happy about how I've handled Ethan's latest car episode, and you probably wouldn't have been too impressed with his 19th Birthday friends coming and going either...). Okay so maybe it's not that you're proud of me... Or maybe it's that you would tell me that you know, that you really truly know how much I love you, loved you in your final days, weeks, months... that you understood that it really was unconditional love... that I would have done anything in my power for you to have been well again...
I miss you a lot...
Of course he was pretty shaken up and in a bit of shock. I was at yoga so didn't actually speak to him until he got home again - so the car is drivable - he called me while I was driving home. And when I did arrive I got a big 'shaky' hug - he was obviously pretty upset. I can just imagine what your reaction would have been... and to be honest, I'm glad you weren't here for it because I'm sure it would have been that much more stressful, for all of us! As it was, there was a police officer here when I arrived - and of course the guests all arrived home (from a fishing trip - one of them gave me a large spanish makeral - that's another story) so it seemed like it was 'all happening'. There was a police report written and he will get some type of summons (I guess that's what it's called) which he can choose to either plead guilty (apparently he can do that in writing), go to court to contest the charge or plead not-guilty - I guess you can probably guess which option I will be recommending. He apparently will get some type of fine ($200 to $300 according to the police officer) and 3 points - big bummer for him as he will also have to pay for the car to be fixed (again! it just came back from the panel beaters for fixing the side of the car that he hit the fence with) and I've told him he's riding his bike to work for the next week...
Arrgghh!!!!!
I didn't yell, but I tried to stress to him that, that didn't mean that I wasn't angry... and I didn't lecture. We did discuss things at length though and I soooo hope that he's 'gotten the lesson' this time around. What else can I do though??? I just don't think yelling, getting really upset, banning him totally from use of the car (although I did tell him if it happened again, that was it, he wasn't driving my car/s anymore - not sure how productive that was but I couldn't stop myself from saying it) was going to make much difference. I know that he was shaken, and upset, and scared about what happened and I just hope, pray, wish, that he 'gets it' this time...
I went and saw Margaret again yesterday - I guess it's been at least a half dozen visits now (while you were sick and since you've passed away) and it really has helped me. I don't know how to exactly explain how - there's a kind of an affirmation of what I am feeling I guess, as well as new ways of looking at/considering where my life is now, and how I might approach my journey now that you're no longer here in person. I want to believe that you are still here - and that someday we will 'be together' again - but I'm still trying to figure out how that all works. I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling how reincarnation and 'being with me in spirit' works - can you do both? I don't know. I've been thinking that I will ask Margaret how that works but for some reason just haven't done so yet.
I brought you (in your little urn) to my appointment yesterday - don't know why really, just felt like I should. I also brought that ring that your sister found on the sidewalk in Brisbane last year, and that you put in my bag when I left it on the counter at the apartment when we left. Margaret held you (in the urn) and said that 'you understood so much more, or maybe you understood it all' now, that what was a narrow vision when you were on Earth was now a vision of the 'big picture' and that it all made sense to you now. I so want to believe that, to believe that 'you' are okay, happy, pain-free (in every sense of the concept), and I soooo wish you could explain it (the big picture) to me... I want to believe that you are watching over me, taking care of me, being there for me... just like you always have been. And perhaps you are - Ethan wasn't hurt today (and he didn't hurt anyone else) and he could have been... I just want to 'know' it - I want to be able to say that you are 'there' with conviction, but I just can't seem to (yet). Will it come to me? Will I suddenly understand one day? I keep reading these different books, and I keep going to yoga (which I really do love going to), and I keep talking to myself and repeating what I've been reading, but will I one day 'just know', will I truly be a peace (while I am still physically on this Earth) or will I always be 'searching'???
Margaret also held the ring - it's such a pretty ring - and said that it was a powerful message (from who? I should have asked) that was here to help me. She said that it 'found me', was 'for me' and that I shouldn't take any of the stones out (which I had pretty much decided I wouldn't do anyway). So, I've begun to wear it. It took me a little while to figure out which finger to wear it on - I had to move rings around and try it on different fingers before I worked out the best 'ring configuration' and for some reason it feels like it's another ring from you (like all the rest of my rings). It really does... so that's the way that I will think about it from now on - it's from you.
I've been skyping with your sister and Jerry lately... you're mum's not doing so well, although it does sound like it's mostly her age, which I suppose is a bit to be expected. I think that your passing has also had a real impact on her, actually Pat & Jerry said that since she found out about the diagnosis in January that she's been kinda going 'down hill'. The other thing that I think is hard, is that she's always been so active and self-sufficient and she's losing her ability to be that way and I think that's very hard for her... I wish there was something to do or say that would make her feel better, but I'm not sure that there is. I will try to spend some 'quiet' time with her while I am there - I hope that I'll be able to as I have a feeling that it'll be a bit of a 'family reunion' with all of us there and as you'd know it's pretty challenging to have 'quiet' time when we're all there. Of course, it'll be pretty weird without you there... but Jerry, Pat and I had a good laugh on skype today when we all agreed that you'd be happy that you weren't!!
You know it's weird when I watch a movie or TV show and think, 'you would have really enjoyed that'... I just keep getting that feeling that I'll be able to talk to you about it later, or that you'll be back in awhile (like maybe next year). It's an odd feeling because I know you're not coming back... but again, it's that feeling that you are here, that I'll find you again. Maybe that's it, it's like you're lost, but that I know I'll find you again and you'll be okay... I don't know how to explain it because being lost doesn't sound good either... Maybe part of me just wants to be able to see you again so that you can tell me that you're proud of the way that I've handled things since you're death (although perhaps you wouldn't have been happy about how I've handled Ethan's latest car episode, and you probably wouldn't have been too impressed with his 19th Birthday friends coming and going either...). Okay so maybe it's not that you're proud of me... Or maybe it's that you would tell me that you know, that you really truly know how much I love you, loved you in your final days, weeks, months... that you understood that it really was unconditional love... that I would have done anything in my power for you to have been well again...
I miss you a lot...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I'm figuring things out...
We had a power-outage yesterday and of course that has thrown off all the timers around the place. Ethan brought it to my attention this morning that the pool filter was off and so we had a look and tried to figure out how to re-set it - no luck with just looking at it and pressing buttons. So... after thinking that I would need to call a Pool Guy (well, I'd been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks - just to explain to me how it all works) I thought to have a look for the instruction booklet, which I found. I love the fact that we kept all the instruction booklets in the one drawer and that you kept it so neat and tidy. Anyway, I found the booklet, read through the instructions and had a go - I think I managed to reset the time okay so now I'm just waiting for 3.00 to see if the filter goes on as planned...
I also found the booklet for the downstairs TV's which I needed as I discovered the other day when I was cleaning that Unit 1 didn't seem to be getting any of the '7' channels - so I read through that and managed to re-set those channels and now they are coming in.
I'm actually kinda proud of myself... I mean I suppose it's all pretty straightforward really, but I feel good that I did it by myself and didn't need to ask/call on anyone to help me. Or, maybe, you heard me ask for your help and you've supported me to find the information, strength and motivation to get it done on my own.
This - you not here - would be so different if it was just us living in a 'normal' family home... but I'm finding having the Units an entirely different challenge aside from adjusting to our family life without you. On one hand the Units are a good distraction - cleaning, maintenance, checking-in and out guests, chatting with guests, emails and bookings, etc - it has certainly kept me busy this past month. But on the other hand, it is a distraction and a stress (although I'm trying very hard not to get stressed out about things and to just deal with them as they come - I'm also trying very hard not to let myself spend too much time thinking/worrying about things that may happen in the future - like cyclones!) that sometimes I wish just wasn't there.
I love living here, our position at the beach, being able to watch the water and the weather as it comes in and changes across the day, weeks, and months. I love our home and our surrounds - and there have been so many lovely, positive comments about the Units - but I do worry a bit about how I will continue to manage and maintain them, our guests and our mortgage...
I think about you a lot - all the time in fact, pretty much when I am doing just about everything. I had to put more dishwasher soap in the under-the-sink container the other day and as I was going to get the big container in the closet I was wondering how I was going to get the soap from one container to another... I had to smile when I saw that you had already had that one figured out. There's lots of things that I see / use around the place that you have done / created that make me smile - you were so wonderful with making things work. And there's lots of things that I remember or think about when I'm thinking about you that make me smile... and make me cry too... because it just makes me miss you even more. I still find it hard to truly believe that I will never 'see' you again... or maybe it's more that I will never 'feel' your touch again, because I did see you last time I had a counseling session with Margaret. You were there, in my head and you were smiling - it made me feel like everything was okay.
Margaret said that I need to go to the 'me' that took care of you while you were ill, and while you were dying and to love and take care of that me, like I loved and took care of you... I hope that you knew how much I loved you in those months and that I would have done anything for you... I hope you felt my unconditional love - and it was unconditional - it was all about you, and only you. In looking back, I'm so sorry that it took your illness and your dying and death for me to truly love you unconditionally - and I so wish now that I had always loved you that way, because I think you always loved me unconditionally, but without compromising who you were. I'm so sorry for all of my doubts, and 'melt-downs' and accusations that you weren't doing what I needed you to do, or you weren't loving me the way that I thought you should... I just hope you felt my love and that our 'higher selves' found what they needed from each other and that you have 'passed on' to a truly better 'place'.
I have been doing a lot of reading, and soul-searching, and have been trying to 'find myself'. Who am I without you?
I guess I also see this as an opportunity to further develop 'me', to be a better person, a more content person... to not worry too much (I know you always thought that I worried too much), to accept who I am (warts and all?), to learn to hear and follow my inner voice - is it intuition? the divine? the Universe? my higher self? Don't know but I keep thinking that it doesn't make sense to continue living as I did before because life is different now... and that I should take advantage of this opportunity to live a better life. Not exactly sure what that is... working on 'staying open' so that when my path becomes apparent I'll know it...
I was thinking today about when we sat together on the beach in front of the house, and the sun was shining and it was warm... and you told me how much you loved me and the kids and our life together - it always brings tears to my eyes to think about it. I felt your love so strong that day... I'm sad that we didn't get to have our second 'couple' time together as our kids have become more and more independent. I was really looking forward to that time together, that time to re-discover ourselves as a couple, and create new patterns of being together...
I'm finding this time on my own interesting - having control over the TV remote! But I guess I watch less TV now and I find that I don't watch any of the crime drama that you and we used to watch, I just don't want those images in my head. Although I am reading a crime drama book at the moment and sometimes I wonder why, as those images are just as bad I think... I'm okay with my time alone, in fact I like it, just to be quiet and still... as it never seems to happen for too long, there's always someone around (between kids, visitors and guests) I'm not sure if I would like it if it went on for too long, but that hasn't happened yet and I still find my quiet time valuable.
I've told myself no big decisions for a year - I'm glad that I decided that early on as it's a good reminder when I start thinking about 'big decisions'. I am seriously thinking that I will need to sell one/both of the other houses though as I'm a bit concerned that interest rates will continue to rise and I'm just not sure how I'll cope when I have to re-negotiate this one if the rates are a lot higher... not sure. Like I said, I'm trying hard not to worry about it, but I think planning strategically based on the available information (and there is a prediction that interest rates will continue to rise) is different from acting through worry... I've also been thinking that perhaps I should invest some money in gold - boy, don't I wish we had that gold from way back. Why didn't we put it in a safe deposit box when we had a chance??? Anyway, there is a thought that if/when the current global economic bubble bursts that stocks will fall (not that we have any), interest rates will rise and that the only secure investment will be gold (over currencies)... Not sure really... a bit 'big' for my brain at the moment but I think that I need to think more seriously along those lines...
I really miss having these types of conversations with you - the bouncing off of ideas and discussions of 'what to do next'... I'm staying open in my heart, and brain, and soul - if you have any suggestions, ideas, advice, please let me know - I'm listening out for you.
I also found the booklet for the downstairs TV's which I needed as I discovered the other day when I was cleaning that Unit 1 didn't seem to be getting any of the '7' channels - so I read through that and managed to re-set those channels and now they are coming in.
I'm actually kinda proud of myself... I mean I suppose it's all pretty straightforward really, but I feel good that I did it by myself and didn't need to ask/call on anyone to help me. Or, maybe, you heard me ask for your help and you've supported me to find the information, strength and motivation to get it done on my own.
This - you not here - would be so different if it was just us living in a 'normal' family home... but I'm finding having the Units an entirely different challenge aside from adjusting to our family life without you. On one hand the Units are a good distraction - cleaning, maintenance, checking-in and out guests, chatting with guests, emails and bookings, etc - it has certainly kept me busy this past month. But on the other hand, it is a distraction and a stress (although I'm trying very hard not to get stressed out about things and to just deal with them as they come - I'm also trying very hard not to let myself spend too much time thinking/worrying about things that may happen in the future - like cyclones!) that sometimes I wish just wasn't there.
I love living here, our position at the beach, being able to watch the water and the weather as it comes in and changes across the day, weeks, and months. I love our home and our surrounds - and there have been so many lovely, positive comments about the Units - but I do worry a bit about how I will continue to manage and maintain them, our guests and our mortgage...
I think about you a lot - all the time in fact, pretty much when I am doing just about everything. I had to put more dishwasher soap in the under-the-sink container the other day and as I was going to get the big container in the closet I was wondering how I was going to get the soap from one container to another... I had to smile when I saw that you had already had that one figured out. There's lots of things that I see / use around the place that you have done / created that make me smile - you were so wonderful with making things work. And there's lots of things that I remember or think about when I'm thinking about you that make me smile... and make me cry too... because it just makes me miss you even more. I still find it hard to truly believe that I will never 'see' you again... or maybe it's more that I will never 'feel' your touch again, because I did see you last time I had a counseling session with Margaret. You were there, in my head and you were smiling - it made me feel like everything was okay.
Margaret said that I need to go to the 'me' that took care of you while you were ill, and while you were dying and to love and take care of that me, like I loved and took care of you... I hope that you knew how much I loved you in those months and that I would have done anything for you... I hope you felt my unconditional love - and it was unconditional - it was all about you, and only you. In looking back, I'm so sorry that it took your illness and your dying and death for me to truly love you unconditionally - and I so wish now that I had always loved you that way, because I think you always loved me unconditionally, but without compromising who you were. I'm so sorry for all of my doubts, and 'melt-downs' and accusations that you weren't doing what I needed you to do, or you weren't loving me the way that I thought you should... I just hope you felt my love and that our 'higher selves' found what they needed from each other and that you have 'passed on' to a truly better 'place'.
I have been doing a lot of reading, and soul-searching, and have been trying to 'find myself'. Who am I without you?
I guess I also see this as an opportunity to further develop 'me', to be a better person, a more content person... to not worry too much (I know you always thought that I worried too much), to accept who I am (warts and all?), to learn to hear and follow my inner voice - is it intuition? the divine? the Universe? my higher self? Don't know but I keep thinking that it doesn't make sense to continue living as I did before because life is different now... and that I should take advantage of this opportunity to live a better life. Not exactly sure what that is... working on 'staying open' so that when my path becomes apparent I'll know it...
I was thinking today about when we sat together on the beach in front of the house, and the sun was shining and it was warm... and you told me how much you loved me and the kids and our life together - it always brings tears to my eyes to think about it. I felt your love so strong that day... I'm sad that we didn't get to have our second 'couple' time together as our kids have become more and more independent. I was really looking forward to that time together, that time to re-discover ourselves as a couple, and create new patterns of being together...
I'm finding this time on my own interesting - having control over the TV remote! But I guess I watch less TV now and I find that I don't watch any of the crime drama that you and we used to watch, I just don't want those images in my head. Although I am reading a crime drama book at the moment and sometimes I wonder why, as those images are just as bad I think... I'm okay with my time alone, in fact I like it, just to be quiet and still... as it never seems to happen for too long, there's always someone around (between kids, visitors and guests) I'm not sure if I would like it if it went on for too long, but that hasn't happened yet and I still find my quiet time valuable.
I've told myself no big decisions for a year - I'm glad that I decided that early on as it's a good reminder when I start thinking about 'big decisions'. I am seriously thinking that I will need to sell one/both of the other houses though as I'm a bit concerned that interest rates will continue to rise and I'm just not sure how I'll cope when I have to re-negotiate this one if the rates are a lot higher... not sure. Like I said, I'm trying hard not to worry about it, but I think planning strategically based on the available information (and there is a prediction that interest rates will continue to rise) is different from acting through worry... I've also been thinking that perhaps I should invest some money in gold - boy, don't I wish we had that gold from way back. Why didn't we put it in a safe deposit box when we had a chance??? Anyway, there is a thought that if/when the current global economic bubble bursts that stocks will fall (not that we have any), interest rates will rise and that the only secure investment will be gold (over currencies)... Not sure really... a bit 'big' for my brain at the moment but I think that I need to think more seriously along those lines...
I really miss having these types of conversations with you - the bouncing off of ideas and discussions of 'what to do next'... I'm staying open in my heart, and brain, and soul - if you have any suggestions, ideas, advice, please let me know - I'm listening out for you.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
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