I think about you a lot...

I think about you a lot and wonder if you - whether it's the 'you' that I know or the 'higher self' you or the 'diamond facet' you (I like that one) - have a consciousness of this life still, or of my life? Is it like the movies/books/thoughts out there that would suggest that our loved ones that have passed on are somehow 'looking down' or 'watching over' us still here on Earth, in this consciousness or is it not like that at all... as I try to understand that I am part of a much 'larger' thing/consciousness, certainly bigger than me or any individual, I try to imagine how you might still be part of me/my life and my day to day living.

Do you somehow try to communicate / send me messages/signs/signals about what to do next or how to do something? Are you able to 'protect' me or 'help' me do things?

It sounds a little silly when I read what I've written - sounded so much more romantic in my head...

Do you read / hear /somehow know what I'm thinking and what I've been writing in this blog?

Margaret has said that in showing you the unconditional love in those last weeks/months of your life (it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of our time together in the last 6 months of your time with me) that I have somehow helped you to realise your higher self and higher purpose - I so hope that is that case. I hope that in your next existence on Earth that you are able to live a happier and more settled life...

I know you were happy, but I also know that you were somehow also hurt/angry/frustrated by things (I'm not even sure that you knew or were aware of it) - you were so quick to anger at certain things and so easily frustrated, especially by the kids.

I expect that you wouldn't have been overly pleased at how our household runs now that you're not with us anymore... Perhaps I should have tried harder to keep the same routines and expectations that you and I did as a couple but I just don't know that I could have - While it represented what 'we' as a couple felt, to be honest, I'm not sure that it still represents what me as an individual and now single parent feels... I want to continue providing structure and routine in our home, and I will but I know it looks different. And perhaps if it was the other way around, and it was you still here and not me, it would look different again.

The kids are still 'finding their feet' and their balance in this massive change that your passing has caused us, as am I... in general, we are okay. We are coping, we are moving forward, and we are missing you... you are in our thoughts (well, certainly in mine) in everything that I do - sometimes I think I am doing it how you would have and sometimes I realise that I can do things differently because it's just up to me - I try to follow my 'heart' and intuition, and trust that the Universe will provide.

I often tell myself that "I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing", and feeling that I am always moving towards my higher good/purpose (although I can't say that I know what that is)... I am thinking about a few things as part of my future - 1) going back to study - considering maybe a EdD (Doctorate of Education) - I still get to be called 'Dr.' as and when seems appropriate - I know maybe not the best motivation (and of course there are other motivators as well) but still I can't help but like that part of it! and 2) learning to play the guitar again... of course in thinking about both of those, because I still keep thinking that I want to write a book about my growing up years (I still really think it would make a great read - and so does all the family that I've mentioned it to...), anyway - WHEN do I have the time to do all these things? Do I go for it anyway??? Or should I be a be more realistic and organised about how I spend my time? Of course next year will be a challenge with the commitments that I have already taken on - full-time teaching, Corporate Secretary for the Board and managing the Units - as well as all the other day-to-day normal living things of a mom and now single woman...