I can't believe you're actually gone

Dear John,

You died this Tuesday, 20 July sometime between 5am and 6.23am - I actually think it was probably right before I woke up at 6.23, so I'm thinking that it was about 6.20am. At least that's what I think when I'm lying in bed in the early hours of the morning with my hand on your side of the bed over the spot where your heart would be...

I miss you soooo much.

I'm having a hard time believing that you're actually gone... I mean I know that you're gone, but it almost feels like you're just away for a bit and that you'll be back, or at least call, or even text me that you love me.

Your last night was a bit difficult for me... you were pretty out-of-it by then anyway, as we had increased the morphine and the sedative because you had looked (wincing and grimacing every time I tried to reposition you) like you were in pain, and you were seeming very agitated. So, you were quite far away... I had been trying to change your positions every few hours, but the last time I did so (moved the pillows away from your legs) you really winced and I had been worried about trying to move you any more. You seemed to be resting comfortably when I went to sleep... I woke up off and on through the night. Your breathing was very shallow, and quite loud so I used the yellow ear plugs half way through the night as I really needed to get some sleep. While I had thought you would be leaving that night, I wasn't 100% sure and I knew I needed some rest for coping with the next day... I woke up at 5am and you were still breathing, and I thought, wow, you're still here.

You hung in there for such a long time... much past the time when you said you were ready and we had all said our good-byes. It was really hard to watch you on those final days as you got thinner, and more sallow, and further away.

When I woke up at 5am I watched you for awhile... but I was a bit scared to touch you as I didn't want to cause you any distress so I didn't move your position but I think that I rubbed your upper arm a bit, and I feel back to sleep. When I woke up at 6.23am you were gone.

I watched you for a while because I wasn't quite sure if you were actually gone, it seemed like I could still see the movement of your breath and the beat of your heart, but in the end I think those were actually my breath and heartbeat. I felt for your heartbeat, and you were definitely not there anymore.

I still find it hard to believe that you won't be back with me though... and I wonder where you are...

I hope that you're calm and peaceful, and I try (not sure if I'm doing it right, or well) to do the Tibetan Buddhist Phowa from the Tibetan Book of Living & Dying that I've been reading which is meant to help you go through the 49 days of after death (before rebirth) calmly and positively.

I watched you for awhile... and then I got up, and took a picture of the sun rising. You know the day you died we had a beautiful, sunny, warm day - the most beautiful day that we'd had in weeks. And, it was sunny all day - not just a bit in the morning or afternoon which had happened before when we'd had a bit of sunshine. And, the next day the overcast, gray, windy drizzle came back... it's been here ever since.

Of course, I had to call the Dr as he had to come and officially say that you were dead. I waited until about 7am to call. Jamie arrived about 7.30 - he spent a bit of time, had a look at you and listened to your heart, and spoke with me. I called the Funeral Home and then I called your mom, Pat, and Robin & Diana. I waited until a bit later to call Rhonda as I know she likes her sleep-in's. The day was rather surreal...

I hate saying/feeling it but it was somewhat of a relief that you had gone - the last two weeks of your life were hard, for us and for you. You'd stopped eating over 2 weeks before - Friday, 2 July actually - and your last bites of food were of Chile Rellenos that I had made from the canned chiles that Nahele had brought from Texas. I guess that was a nice last meal - homemade and you always liked Chile Rellenos. But you stopped eating after that because you just weren't able to keep the food down - you could chew (and I know that it tasted good), and you could swallow, but later on that evening it all came back up again in one of your coughing episodes. You continued to drink, small sips from the cup and then from a straw but about a week or so later you started not being able (or it almost seemed like you forgot how to) swallow, and the water would just spill out of your mouth. I found that hard...

Heartbreaking really... as I guess that's when it all became very real that you weren't going to be getting better. I really, really thought that you would - all along - I thought you would wake up one day and say, I'm feeling better and that things would just continue to get better each day from that point.

You continued to get thinner, and more sallow and gaunt looking, and of course the jaundice coloured your skin and eyes. My goal all along had been to keep you as comfortable as possible, and that's what I tried to do. And to make sure that you knew how much I loved you, how much you meant to me - I hope you know / knew that - I hope that it's helped you through your journey.