We had a power-outage yesterday and of course that has thrown off all the timers around the place. Ethan brought it to my attention this morning that the pool filter was off and so we had a look and tried to figure out how to re-set it - no luck with just looking at it and pressing buttons. So... after thinking that I would need to call a Pool Guy (well, I'd been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks - just to explain to me how it all works) I thought to have a look for the instruction booklet, which I found. I love the fact that we kept all the instruction booklets in the one drawer and that you kept it so neat and tidy. Anyway, I found the booklet, read through the instructions and had a go - I think I managed to reset the time okay so now I'm just waiting for 3.00 to see if the filter goes on as planned...
I also found the booklet for the downstairs TV's which I needed as I discovered the other day when I was cleaning that Unit 1 didn't seem to be getting any of the '7' channels - so I read through that and managed to re-set those channels and now they are coming in.
I'm actually kinda proud of myself... I mean I suppose it's all pretty straightforward really, but I feel good that I did it by myself and didn't need to ask/call on anyone to help me. Or, maybe, you heard me ask for your help and you've supported me to find the information, strength and motivation to get it done on my own.
This - you not here - would be so different if it was just us living in a 'normal' family home... but I'm finding having the Units an entirely different challenge aside from adjusting to our family life without you. On one hand the Units are a good distraction - cleaning, maintenance, checking-in and out guests, chatting with guests, emails and bookings, etc - it has certainly kept me busy this past month. But on the other hand, it is a distraction and a stress (although I'm trying very hard not to get stressed out about things and to just deal with them as they come - I'm also trying very hard not to let myself spend too much time thinking/worrying about things that may happen in the future - like cyclones!) that sometimes I wish just wasn't there.
I love living here, our position at the beach, being able to watch the water and the weather as it comes in and changes across the day, weeks, and months. I love our home and our surrounds - and there have been so many lovely, positive comments about the Units - but I do worry a bit about how I will continue to manage and maintain them, our guests and our mortgage...
I think about you a lot - all the time in fact, pretty much when I am doing just about everything. I had to put more dishwasher soap in the under-the-sink container the other day and as I was going to get the big container in the closet I was wondering how I was going to get the soap from one container to another... I had to smile when I saw that you had already had that one figured out. There's lots of things that I see / use around the place that you have done / created that make me smile - you were so wonderful with making things work. And there's lots of things that I remember or think about when I'm thinking about you that make me smile... and make me cry too... because it just makes me miss you even more. I still find it hard to truly believe that I will never 'see' you again... or maybe it's more that I will never 'feel' your touch again, because I did see you last time I had a counseling session with Margaret. You were there, in my head and you were smiling - it made me feel like everything was okay.
Margaret said that I need to go to the 'me' that took care of you while you were ill, and while you were dying and to love and take care of that me, like I loved and took care of you... I hope that you knew how much I loved you in those months and that I would have done anything for you... I hope you felt my unconditional love - and it was unconditional - it was all about you, and only you. In looking back, I'm so sorry that it took your illness and your dying and death for me to truly love you unconditionally - and I so wish now that I had always loved you that way, because I think you always loved me unconditionally, but without compromising who you were. I'm so sorry for all of my doubts, and 'melt-downs' and accusations that you weren't doing what I needed you to do, or you weren't loving me the way that I thought you should... I just hope you felt my love and that our 'higher selves' found what they needed from each other and that you have 'passed on' to a truly better 'place'.
I have been doing a lot of reading, and soul-searching, and have been trying to 'find myself'. Who am I without you?
I guess I also see this as an opportunity to further develop 'me', to be a better person, a more content person... to not worry too much (I know you always thought that I worried too much), to accept who I am (warts and all?), to learn to hear and follow my inner voice - is it intuition? the divine? the Universe? my higher self? Don't know but I keep thinking that it doesn't make sense to continue living as I did before because life is different now... and that I should take advantage of this opportunity to live a better life. Not exactly sure what that is... working on 'staying open' so that when my path becomes apparent I'll know it...
I was thinking today about when we sat together on the beach in front of the house, and the sun was shining and it was warm... and you told me how much you loved me and the kids and our life together - it always brings tears to my eyes to think about it. I felt your love so strong that day... I'm sad that we didn't get to have our second 'couple' time together as our kids have become more and more independent. I was really looking forward to that time together, that time to re-discover ourselves as a couple, and create new patterns of being together...
I'm finding this time on my own interesting - having control over the TV remote! But I guess I watch less TV now and I find that I don't watch any of the crime drama that you and we used to watch, I just don't want those images in my head. Although I am reading a crime drama book at the moment and sometimes I wonder why, as those images are just as bad I think... I'm okay with my time alone, in fact I like it, just to be quiet and still... as it never seems to happen for too long, there's always someone around (between kids, visitors and guests) I'm not sure if I would like it if it went on for too long, but that hasn't happened yet and I still find my quiet time valuable.
I've told myself no big decisions for a year - I'm glad that I decided that early on as it's a good reminder when I start thinking about 'big decisions'. I am seriously thinking that I will need to sell one/both of the other houses though as I'm a bit concerned that interest rates will continue to rise and I'm just not sure how I'll cope when I have to re-negotiate this one if the rates are a lot higher... not sure. Like I said, I'm trying hard not to worry about it, but I think planning strategically based on the available information (and there is a prediction that interest rates will continue to rise) is different from acting through worry... I've also been thinking that perhaps I should invest some money in gold - boy, don't I wish we had that gold from way back. Why didn't we put it in a safe deposit box when we had a chance??? Anyway, there is a thought that if/when the current global economic bubble bursts that stocks will fall (not that we have any), interest rates will rise and that the only secure investment will be gold (over currencies)... Not sure really... a bit 'big' for my brain at the moment but I think that I need to think more seriously along those lines...
I really miss having these types of conversations with you - the bouncing off of ideas and discussions of 'what to do next'... I'm staying open in my heart, and brain, and soul - if you have any suggestions, ideas, advice, please let me know - I'm listening out for you.
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