It's been nearly two months since your passing - I'm never sure whether I want to call it 'your death' or 'your passing'. My sister says that passing sounds less harsh, and I suppose it is a bit of a passing - from this journey to the next, from this life to the next?, passing from my life? Not sure really, but it's been almost eight weeks...
I think that the numbness (and shock?) may be wearing off now - On one hand I feel more settled and a bit more balanced in my day-to-day, my memory seems to be working better now, and my thought processes have more clarity. But on the other hand I feel the loss of you more acutely, I feel slightly more vulnerable, and I often sit on the edge of tears - it doesn't take much, a memory, picture, thought, mention of you - to bring tears to my eyes... I guess I just feel a bit more 'tender' than I have been. Don't know why really, but that's why I think perhaps the numbness is wearing off.
I still have that sensation that you'll be back... like you've just gone some place for a while where I can't get in touch with you, can't talk to you, don't know where you are, but that you'll be back. I can watch a movie or a TV show and think 'John would like this' and have this sensation (because it's not really a conscious thought) that I'll have to tell you about it, or get you to watch it... and then it'll come to me that that's not really going to happen - strange feeling really.
I've just found out that I've gotten the position at Mission Beach School that I'd 'put out to the Universe' that I wanted/needed. I'm really pleased and excited, and nervous and anxious too! I feel that working at MBSS will be a good way for me to get back into teaching in the classroom again - close to home, familiar and supportive staff and atmosphere, primary-aged teaching (a new challenge for me but I'm looking forward to having my own group of kids for the year...). I know it will be challenging - it's been a while since I've been in a classroom, I've never taught primary aged kids across all subjects, all year.... I'm a little nervous about how I'll go with classroom management and behaviour management and their learning management for that matter... but I'm up for the challenge, or at least will be when the time comes. I have to admit, I'm glad I'm not starting next month... But starting next year gives me some time to get my head around things to come, and time to settle and balance my 'new life'.
When I saw Margaret a bit ago she said that it was like our 'higher selves' had sat together (on a cloud perhaps??) and discussed what we needed/wanted from each other to what? I don't know - get to a higher consciousness, learn the next lesson, get closer to nirvana - not sure really, I haven't quite figured out that part of the process yet... but, our higher selves made a bit of a deal to be together (for a season - nearly 25 years as it turned out) to help each other through... so our paths crossed, we loved, supported, fought, challenged, and were there for each other - thick and thin, good and bad, health and illness. And then.... it was your time to move on, pass through... and you left. You left...
I understand that you 'didn't leave me' as such - I know it wasn't my fault, I couldn't/we couldn't have done anything differently, it was your time to move on. Does that mean that you 'learn the lesson'? That we did what we needed to do together, for each other?
I do still feel a bit 'lost'... I so want to 'have a direction', know what I'm here for, find some peace with my life, know the 'truth'... but perhaps I was 'lost' while you were here too, it's just that your presence gave me an anchor, a solid rock to hold on to, to check my positioning against, to navigate from and back to again. And now, you're not here...
I realise now and again, that I am/have to be my own anchor, that it's up to me how I navigate through this next phase of my being - in a way it's quite a 'freeing' sensation. I'm not quite sure how to handle it just yet, and am just now getting a sense of new possibilities.
I keep thinking that it's important to 'move on', to 'move forward' and take advantage (sounds strange but I do think that's the right term) of the opportunities that this new life is presenting to me. It's important to me that I do move forward, that I don't continue in old patterns and habits that I found frustrating. I want to learn to be by myself, to be independent, to feel good/confident about making my own decisions (big and small), about 'following my heart, my truth' and finding that 'thing' that allows me to find peace, happiness and contentment with my life. I am truly not sure what that is yet... I am trusting in the Universe that it will become obvious to me as I stay open, I know that there's something much bigger than you and I happening here...
I do think about sex though... I really miss being touched, held, felt in all those sensitive and tender spots. I'm not quite sure how I'll handle that in the future. I accept that it's probably not something that'll happen (making love, having sex with someone) anytime too soon - it'd be too hard, too complicated, to scary... on so many levels at the moment so I guess it's another lesson to be learned. But down the track I think that I would want a 'lover', not another partner - not for a while anyway, as I expect that I will want that companionship in the future. I'd like to think that you would want that for me too... I really do want to 'do this on my own' for a while though - I want to be secure, happy, confident, trusting in the Universe and truth of my life, and I think I have to do that on my own. That another person (partner?) in my life would be a distraction from that path... I am hoping though that I can achieve all of what I want, but still be able to have a warm, loving, supportive lover that fits into to it all... not sure how that'll work just yet, but trusting that it will...
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