What to do?

I'm sitting on the sofa - your spot - on my own in the house and wondering what I should do now? There's plenty of things that I could be doing - continue cleaning the house, continue tidying our closet, make the bed, clean Unit 3, sweep the leaves from the walkways around the place, input the year's invoices for taxes, respond to the numerous condolence emails that people have sent... - but I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to do any of those things. At the moment anyway, perhaps after writing for a bit I'll find something to do which happens to take my interest at that moment - I'm leaning towards sweeping the leaves...

It continues to hit me that you're not coming back... I suppose after nearly 25 years together, it's understandable that I'm having a hard time adjusting to the fact that you're not available to check with, ask questions of, chat to, make decisions with, discuss things... I guess this blog is a bit of a substitute for that, but certainly no replacement.

I do wonder 'where' you - is it you - are at now? While we've heard the stories of those who have had near-death experiences, and the Tibetan Book of Living & Dying has a pretty definite idea (and description) of what they believe happens in the afterdeath (before rebirth), I just wonder where you are now? I hope it's peaceful, and blissful, and somehow fulfilling and that it's all okay. Or perhaps it really is nothingness... but that's very hard for those of us still living to really get our heads around - it just seems like you should still be 'out there' somewhere. I wonder if you are looking down (?) on us... if you have feelings, sensations, worries & concerns... or maybe once you pass over you are able to get that sense that everything does really work out.

That's something I'm having a bit of difficulty getting my head around - that concept that "everything works out in the end" or "everything happens for a reason, and it all works out". I've always felt strongly about that, and have found that it is a sentiment that makes it much easier to 'go with the flow' when things are difficult or frustrating, so I want to believe that this is just another difficult/challenging time which that saying applies to as well. But.... I just don't understand how you dying at 59, leaving me, leaving the kids (I know it wasn't your choice - and you wouldn't have gone if it was up to you) but how does that fit into the idea that 'it all works out in the end' or that 'things have a way of working out'. I'm just not able to really get my head around that one.

I am beginning to wonder what life will be like without you though - and I guess if I am honest I have wondered that before (obviously never acted upon it) but there have certainly been times when we've had difficult points in our relationship that I've wondered. But now - here it is. I'm essentially (still have the kids to care for) on my own... I'm not really sure what to do with that thought either.

I've decided (not to make any decisions - sounds funny - I've decided not to do any deciding) - but in all seriousness, I've decided not to make any 'big' decisions (not entirely sure what 'big' is - I suppose trying to sell Taihoa is the most obvious) for the next year. I see this year coming up as a 'Year of firsts' - so many things to do, to think of, to act upon, without you to do it with. Not just events like birthdays (really not sure how I'm going to handle your birthday/Christmas - guess I'll think about that more when it comes around), anniversaries, Megan's Formal next year... but also just the 'everyday' of live and work - taxes, bank accounts, rentals, Units, website, travel, back to work, do I go back to study?, what do I want to do next? It's just that all of our future plans were together - it's different now - and I guess we didn't really have a 'next step' plan so now it's up to me - what will I do? I'm not frightened - a bit apprehensive if anything... and perhaps it's just not anything to think about, just let it happens as it does - be open to the possibilities. It's just you know how I like to think things through and about all the possibilities - I'm sure I probably spend too much 'time in my head'.

I keep thinking about our first and last kisses - they were both so beautiful, so memorable, so tender, and so different. Our first kiss (well kisses - but I definitely remember the first on) was in the car (orange Honda hatchback) parked at Reed's Bay after our first dinner together at Harrington's Restaurant (there were many more to come - both in Hilo and in Kawaihae). It was the most amazing kiss - tender but passionate - I felt it through-out my whole body - you had me then and there! I remember wanting you so badly - wanting to make love with you, to keep kissing, to feel your body, all of your body - god, I'm getting turned on just thinking about it! Damn you were hot!

And the last time you kissed me (because I kissed you more after that) I was helping you to sit up - and you were so weak at that point that you were having a hard time sitting up straight. Sometimes you could, but other times you would slump over. I was leaning across you - don't remember what I was doing exactly, maybe grabbing or adjusting a pillow, and you leaned over and kissed me, twice. and it was so tender and soft and sweet and beautiful - so different from the first one but so full of love.

I love you so much - I always have. Even when I was angry with you or frustrated and even all those times when I did wonder what life would be like on my own.

I miss you.