I think about you a lot...

I think about you a lot and wonder if you - whether it's the 'you' that I know or the 'higher self' you or the 'diamond facet' you (I like that one) - have a consciousness of this life still, or of my life? Is it like the movies/books/thoughts out there that would suggest that our loved ones that have passed on are somehow 'looking down' or 'watching over' us still here on Earth, in this consciousness or is it not like that at all... as I try to understand that I am part of a much 'larger' thing/consciousness, certainly bigger than me or any individual, I try to imagine how you might still be part of me/my life and my day to day living.

Do you somehow try to communicate / send me messages/signs/signals about what to do next or how to do something? Are you able to 'protect' me or 'help' me do things?

It sounds a little silly when I read what I've written - sounded so much more romantic in my head...

Do you read / hear /somehow know what I'm thinking and what I've been writing in this blog?

Margaret has said that in showing you the unconditional love in those last weeks/months of your life (it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of our time together in the last 6 months of your time with me) that I have somehow helped you to realise your higher self and higher purpose - I so hope that is that case. I hope that in your next existence on Earth that you are able to live a happier and more settled life...

I know you were happy, but I also know that you were somehow also hurt/angry/frustrated by things (I'm not even sure that you knew or were aware of it) - you were so quick to anger at certain things and so easily frustrated, especially by the kids.

I expect that you wouldn't have been overly pleased at how our household runs now that you're not with us anymore... Perhaps I should have tried harder to keep the same routines and expectations that you and I did as a couple but I just don't know that I could have - While it represented what 'we' as a couple felt, to be honest, I'm not sure that it still represents what me as an individual and now single parent feels... I want to continue providing structure and routine in our home, and I will but I know it looks different. And perhaps if it was the other way around, and it was you still here and not me, it would look different again.

The kids are still 'finding their feet' and their balance in this massive change that your passing has caused us, as am I... in general, we are okay. We are coping, we are moving forward, and we are missing you... you are in our thoughts (well, certainly in mine) in everything that I do - sometimes I think I am doing it how you would have and sometimes I realise that I can do things differently because it's just up to me - I try to follow my 'heart' and intuition, and trust that the Universe will provide.

I often tell myself that "I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing", and feeling that I am always moving towards my higher good/purpose (although I can't say that I know what that is)... I am thinking about a few things as part of my future - 1) going back to study - considering maybe a EdD (Doctorate of Education) - I still get to be called 'Dr.' as and when seems appropriate - I know maybe not the best motivation (and of course there are other motivators as well) but still I can't help but like that part of it! and 2) learning to play the guitar again... of course in thinking about both of those, because I still keep thinking that I want to write a book about my growing up years (I still really think it would make a great read - and so does all the family that I've mentioned it to...), anyway - WHEN do I have the time to do all these things? Do I go for it anyway??? Or should I be a be more realistic and organised about how I spend my time? Of course next year will be a challenge with the commitments that I have already taken on - full-time teaching, Corporate Secretary for the Board and managing the Units - as well as all the other day-to-day normal living things of a mom and now single woman...

I felt good yesterday...

I had a good day yesterday, really a pretty good weekend overall so I'm not sure why I'm feeling so out-of-sorts today. I didn't sleep very well last night which may be part of the reason... and, I'm not sure if I didn't sleep well last night because earlier in the evening I had said that our house 'didn't make weird noises at night', and had been thinking at different times recently how well I generally slept at night - so... did those things bring on a disrupted sleep last night? and if so, how does that work? My sub-conscious trying to 'protect me'??? It was weird though - I woke up / was woken up(?) at about 2.30am by what I thought was Ethan in my bathroom looking for a panadol... I know weird specific thought, but that was the first thing that came to my head. It seemed that I had heard footsteps and then drawers sliding and then panadol being looked for - very specific thoughts and sounds... but as I listened I began to think that the drawers sliding sound was really just the ocean and the waves on the sand - it was the calmest night we've had in a long while so there were a lot more 'sounds' to hear (as opposed to when the wind is howling and the waves crashing and the raining falling) - I was also hot so ended up getting up, using the toliet, and turning on the fan...

I woke up again about 3.30am by what seemed to feel like an earthquake - I know weird again... But I had that sensation of trembling, but in thinking about it, it also felt like it was a bit far away like feeling the shockwaves of an explosion... but I don't think anyone else felt / heard anything as neither kid said anything this morning... plus I think there was someone sitting at the bench infront of the neighbours so I think that periodically I was hearing them as well...

I don't know... both times I felt wide-awake, spent a bit of time thinking / wondering about what I'd heard / felt and then went back to sleep. I didn't feel overly concerned or anxious, more just curious (?) as to why I had woken up... and it's always weird because you're never quite sure about what's woken you up - if it's a noise or sensation it always seems to be more in your dream so hard to know how 'real' it is when you're actually awake...

So... did 'real' things actually wake me up, was it the big birthday dinner we had for Megan at Castaways? Nice dinner too - glad I remembered my local's discount! I think Megan enjoyed it too. Or was it the chocolate cake, cherries and cream we had for dessert? I didn't have that much really - I really felt full from dinner (and I didn't even finish mine - Ethan did). Or was it the one glass of red wine? Or any of the above????

And WHY???? do I feel so out-of-sorts today? I just feel a bit 'blah' or flat... lacking of motivation or any desire to do/think/feel much of anything... and I can feel a bit of a headache...

I had a really healthy fresh vege juice for breakfast this morning - carrots, beet, celery, ginger, lime and apple - very tasty and actually more filling than I would have expected. I didn't get my 'home' coffee (maybe that's it!) but I've had one here at work and am still feeling a bit low... maybe I'll feel better after a morning tea break.

Yesterday I did feel quite good though - better than I have in a while actually. A good nights sleep, a bit of a sleep in and a slow moving morning, blogged for the first time in two months. Went to the markets, bought some fruit had a couple of spring rolls and found a nice secret santa pressie... went to yoga - always good. Came home, had leftovers for lunch, did some fiddly things in the office/on the computer, skyped with Nahele and Kelly, phone call with my mom and had a nice dinner out with the kids... TV shows and then bed at a reasonable time...

Been really working on the 'being in the now', reminding myself to stay focused on 'now' and not spend too much time worrying about / anticipating the future or feeling sad about the past. I still miss you so much... saw one of the old guys that bike rides every day this morning on my way to work and it made me think of you in a sad way... I've also been working on enjoying and smiling during my memories/thoughts of you - I want them to be good and positive things, not moments that make me sad or want to not have them. I love thinking about you and what you used to do and our times together - I want those things to be positive for me and not sad all the time...

I really want to 'do this' right - whatever 'this' is... I want to learn my lessons, reach a higher level of consciousness, move forward more centred/balance/together, I want to live a 'better' life... although I think that I've been living a pretty good life so far, I want to be better/brighter/more balance/more peaceful/more purposeful... I want to be 100% involved with today, with clarity and purpose...

My plan is for the today to be better! and to get a better night's sleep tonight...

It's been a long while

It's been a long while since I've written although I've thought about writing lots... just haven't found the proper headspace and time to sit and put my thoughts down. Lots has happened since my last writing - it's been nearly 2 months. We took the trip back to the States and had two Memorial Services and spread your ashes (well, 1/2 of your ashes) into the ocean in front of the Puako ramp - I think it was the hardest (well, most emotionally ripping) thing that I've had to do since your death - more on that later, let me start from the beginning.

Celi was here for about 3 weeks before we left for the States - it was really good having her here (although I also found myself wanting 'alone' time, which I hadn't really gotten any of at that point as there were almost constantly people around - mom for a couple of weeks before Celi and then of course lots of friends coming by regularly). Anyway, it was good having Celi here, and all the other people that spent time with me (and the kids) - I suppose it was a distraction, as so many things have been over the last 4 months....

Distraction from what exactly?

From my sorrow - I still feel that, all the time. I have moments where 'life' feels okay and I feel almost happy, somewhat settled and generally okay with things... but then I'll feel my loss - my loss of you, my partner and anchor. I am working on not feeling lost, but I often still do - that feeling of 'what now' or 'what next' pops into my head...

The black cockatoos are back... noisy!! but lovely to look at flying around or when they are sitting on the trees/ground eating - I can't help but wonder what they are squawking about, what are they communicating to each other? Ah... another distraction...

So, what have I been 'distracted' from? That's what I've been calling things/activities - visitors, the trip to the States, dealing with the 'everyday' - distractions, but from what? Are they distractions from 'dealing with' your death? But what does that mean? 'Dealing with your death'??? I seem to refer to all of this often as 'part of the process' - the process of learning how to live without you? I suppose that's what it is, learning how to live without you being that integral part of my life, the person that I always thought about first when making plans, or thinking about 'what next'. Now I'm having to learn how to run this business on my own (that's another part of the story), be a good, supportive and involved parent, have a full-time job and everything else that needs to be done right now... learning how to be on my own, trust my own thoughts (without having you to discuss things or bounce my ideas off of or get your ideas to counter/balance mine...), figure out what I want to do ('I', all by myself - what is it that I want to do?) - is it different to what 'we' wanted to do together? Kinda... I know we never really decided to live in Costa Rica but I can't really see myself visiting there on my own...

The only thing that's really come to me about 'what next' is that I think I'd like to go back and live in Hawaii again - not sure for how long but for a season. I know it's something that you and I had discussed anyway, so perhaps it's not just a 'me' idea but it really felt good to be back there when we went for our visit. It felt good to be 'home' and to be around family (even though I'm sure it wouldn't take long for them all to drive me nuts!!), to eat familiar food (although I did gain weight!), and be in that sooo familiar surroundings - I really love Hawaii... Celi and I have discussed teaching at UHH - I really like that idea too. 2014 seemed to be the year... we both thought we probably needed that lead in time to get prepared, although I'm thinking more like 2013... I don't know 2014 seems so far away, but maybe it's really not...

So, back to distractions... maybe they haven't been distractions at all (first time I've considered it that way), maybe all of what's happened since your death (and perhaps all that's happened in our lives) are exactly what needed to happen to move us forward to the next step? I've been reading Echart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' - it takes a lot to get my head around it (it's all kinda heady stuff) but it seems to have a resonance that makes sense to me at the moment, at this moment as I try to make sense of my life now... I really, really do not want to 'dwell' in your death, and my loss... I think it's important that I don't get into the headspace of feeling sorry for myself, of berating the world/universe/god for my losing you and for your illness and death, of 'not moving forward' because of this major change/transition, or of 'getting stuck' here in this headspace... I want to be able to smile (and I'm getting there) when I think about you and our time together, to remember happily all the wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) experiences and learning that we shared. I want to be able to take everything that you were to me, that you taught me, gave me, shared with me and continue living a good, happy, purposeful life... so, I've been reading different things, having sessions with Margaret that really help, reminding myself to 'stay in the now', going to yoga (I went to a weekend yoga retreat that was really fantastic and certainly helped to find some balance), going to meditation class (last one for the year, but I'm working on incorporating some form of meditation into my day/week)...

So... since my last posting we've been back to the States - Hawaii for two weeks, Virginia for about 10 days, 3 days in DC (well we stayed in Virginia - Chantilly, but went into DC for two days), and 3 days in Santa Cruz with Kim and family... what a trip it was! I think we saw pretty much every family member, and most friends that we have kept in touch with over the years... except for some of the nieces and nephews, and I didn't get to see Jeff & Gay while we were in Virginia as he was called away to work at the last minute and couldn't get to the Memorial Service. All of your brothers and sisters came to Staunton/Churchville, which was pretty nice. I know your mother was very pleased that they had all made the effort and that they were all there, even your sister Liz. So, in the end it was a mini-Family Reunion - and you missed out!! Well, kinda - I suppose you were there in spirit, but it was cause for more than a few discussions and laughs that 1) the guy that said he'd never come back to the Northern Hemisphere was there (well your ashes made it as far as Hawaii...) in spirit? and 2) while you didn't want to 'do' another family reunion (I'm not sure that anyone did really) here we all were, having a family reunion (and it had been 5 years since the last so we were right on schedule!) because of you!!! It wasn't as long as previous one's (probably just as well) and of course Pat (your sister) wasn't actually there when everyone else was (I guess Jerry 'stood' in for her) because Jack was in a Houston hospital recovering from a burst appendix (just can't have a Hillery Family reunion without some kind of mishap!). We skyped her and Jack into the Memorial Service (technology, huh?) which was good and I left her a CD copy of the photo/music montage... What a time that was though - it was lovely to be with your family, there are all such good people and even Paul and Kath were so supportive... and your 'long lost' cousins even came from New Hampshire (Leo - boy did he have an accent), Margy from North Carolina and can't remember her name now, from Florida - cousins on the Hillery side, but really nice and very thoughtful for them to make the effort, I know your mother was pleased that they did so...

I think that your death has been hard on your mom... well hard on all of us but for your mom I think it's been difficult to get her head around. You know she loves you so much - perhaps because of your independence, or your earlier experiences with your father, or because you have been so consistently in touch over the years, and have been a consistent, successful adult - your mother takes pride in that. She misses you...

I miss you... I always knew that I loved you, more that I understood why actually... I hope you knew and understood how much... I certainly realise now, more than before how much... thank-you for being such an important part of my life...

The numbness may be wearing off...

It's been nearly two months since your passing - I'm never sure whether I want to call it 'your death' or 'your passing'. My sister says that passing sounds less harsh, and I suppose it is a bit of a passing - from this journey to the next, from this life to the next?, passing from my life? Not sure really, but it's been almost eight weeks...

I think that the numbness (and shock?) may be wearing off now - On one hand I feel more settled and a bit more balanced in my day-to-day, my memory seems to be working better now, and my thought processes have more clarity. But on the other hand I feel the loss of you more acutely, I feel slightly more vulnerable, and I often sit on the edge of tears - it doesn't take much, a memory, picture, thought, mention of you - to bring tears to my eyes... I guess I just feel a bit more 'tender' than I have been. Don't know why really, but that's why I think perhaps the numbness is wearing off.

I still have that sensation that you'll be back... like you've just gone some place for a while where I can't get in touch with you, can't talk to you, don't know where you are, but that you'll be back. I can watch a movie or a TV show and think 'John would like this' and have this sensation (because it's not really a conscious thought) that I'll have to tell you about it, or get you to watch it... and then it'll come to me that that's not really going to happen - strange feeling really.

I've just found out that I've gotten the position at Mission Beach School that I'd 'put out to the Universe' that I wanted/needed. I'm really pleased and excited, and nervous and anxious too! I feel that working at MBSS will be a good way for me to get back into teaching in the classroom again - close to home, familiar and supportive staff and atmosphere, primary-aged teaching (a new challenge for me but I'm looking forward to having my own group of kids for the year...). I know it will be challenging - it's been a while since I've been in a classroom, I've never taught primary aged kids across all subjects, all year.... I'm a little nervous about how I'll go with classroom management and behaviour management and their learning management for that matter... but I'm up for the challenge, or at least will be when the time comes. I have to admit, I'm glad I'm not starting next month... But starting next year gives me some time to get my head around things to come, and time to settle and balance my 'new life'.

When I saw Margaret a bit ago she said that it was like our 'higher selves' had sat together (on a cloud perhaps??) and discussed what we needed/wanted from each other to what? I don't know - get to a higher consciousness, learn the next lesson, get closer to nirvana - not sure really, I haven't quite figured out that part of the process yet... but, our higher selves made a bit of a deal to be together (for a season - nearly 25 years as it turned out) to help each other through... so our paths crossed, we loved, supported, fought, challenged, and were there for each other - thick and thin, good and bad, health and illness. And then.... it was your time to move on, pass through... and you left. You left...

I understand that you 'didn't leave me' as such - I know it wasn't my fault, I couldn't/we couldn't have done anything differently, it was your time to move on. Does that mean that you 'learn the lesson'? That we did what we needed to do together, for each other?

I do still feel a bit 'lost'... I so want to 'have a direction', know what I'm here for, find some peace with my life, know the 'truth'... but perhaps I was 'lost' while you were here too, it's just that your presence gave me an anchor, a solid rock to hold on to, to check my positioning against, to navigate from and back to again. And now, you're not here...

I realise now and again, that I am/have to be my own anchor, that it's up to me how I navigate through this next phase of my being - in a way it's quite a 'freeing' sensation. I'm not quite sure how to handle it just yet, and am just now getting a sense of new possibilities.

I keep thinking that it's important to 'move on', to 'move forward' and take advantage (sounds strange but I do think that's the right term) of the opportunities that this new life is presenting to me. It's important to me that I do move forward, that I don't continue in old patterns and habits that I found frustrating. I want to learn to be by myself, to be independent, to feel good/confident about making my own decisions (big and small), about 'following my heart, my truth' and finding that 'thing' that allows me to find peace, happiness and contentment with my life. I am truly not sure what that is yet... I am trusting in the Universe that it will become obvious to me as I stay open, I know that there's something much bigger than you and I happening here...

I do think about sex though... I really miss being touched, held, felt in all those sensitive and tender spots. I'm not quite sure how I'll handle that in the future. I accept that it's probably not something that'll happen (making love, having sex with someone) anytime too soon - it'd be too hard, too complicated, to scary... on so many levels at the moment so I guess it's another lesson to be learned. But down the track I think that I would want a 'lover', not another partner - not for a while anyway, as I expect that I will want that companionship in the future. I'd like to think that you would want that for me too... I really do want to 'do this on my own' for a while though - I want to be secure, happy, confident, trusting in the Universe and truth of my life, and I think I have to do that on my own. That another person (partner?) in my life would be a distraction from that path... I am hoping though that I can achieve all of what I want, but still be able to have a warm, loving, supportive lover that fits into to it all... not sure how that'll work just yet, but trusting that it will...

I'm trying to keep calm, cool and collected...

Ethan had a bit of a car wreck today... probably calling it a 'car wreck' is a bit more than it actually was but I'm not sure what else you would call it. Basically he ran off the road and scratched the car up a bit, broke the side-view mirror (passenger's side) and has probably thrown out the wheel alignment and possibly the suspension. He's fine - a few scratches from getting out of the car into the bushes that he ended up stopping in but nothing from the car accident itself.

Of course he was pretty shaken up and in a bit of shock. I was at yoga so didn't actually speak to him until he got home again - so the car is drivable - he called me while I was driving home. And when I did arrive I got a big 'shaky' hug - he was obviously pretty upset. I can just imagine what your reaction would have been... and to be honest, I'm glad you weren't here for it because I'm sure it would have been that much more stressful, for all of us! As it was, there was a police officer here when I arrived - and of course the guests all arrived home (from a fishing trip - one of them gave me a large spanish makeral - that's another story) so it seemed like it was 'all happening'. There was a police report written and he will get some type of summons (I guess that's what it's called) which he can choose to either plead guilty (apparently he can do that in writing), go to court to contest the charge or plead not-guilty - I guess you can probably guess which option I will be recommending. He apparently will get some type of fine ($200 to $300 according to the police officer) and 3 points - big bummer for him as he will also have to pay for the car to be fixed (again! it just came back from the panel beaters for fixing the side of the car that he hit the fence with) and I've told him he's riding his bike to work for the next week...

Arrgghh!!!!!

I didn't yell, but I tried to stress to him that, that didn't mean that I wasn't angry... and I didn't lecture. We did discuss things at length though and I soooo hope that he's 'gotten the lesson' this time around. What else can I do though??? I just don't think yelling, getting really upset, banning him totally from use of the car (although I did tell him if it happened again, that was it, he wasn't driving my car/s anymore - not sure how productive that was but I couldn't stop myself from saying it) was going to make much difference. I know that he was shaken, and upset, and scared about what happened and I just hope, pray, wish, that he 'gets it' this time...

I went and saw Margaret again yesterday - I guess it's been at least a half dozen visits now (while you were sick and since you've passed away) and it really has helped me. I don't know how to exactly explain how - there's a kind of an affirmation of what I am feeling I guess, as well as new ways of looking at/considering where my life is now, and how I might approach my journey now that you're no longer here in person. I want to believe that you are still here - and that someday we will 'be together' again - but I'm still trying to figure out how that all works. I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling how reincarnation and 'being with me in spirit' works - can you do both? I don't know. I've been thinking that I will ask Margaret how that works but for some reason just haven't done so yet.

I brought you (in your little urn) to my appointment yesterday - don't know why really, just felt like I should. I also brought that ring that your sister found on the sidewalk in Brisbane last year, and that you put in my bag when I left it on the counter at the apartment when we left. Margaret held you (in the urn) and said that 'you understood so much more, or maybe you understood it all' now, that what was a narrow vision when you were on Earth was now a vision of the 'big picture' and that it all made sense to you now. I so want to believe that, to believe that 'you' are okay, happy, pain-free (in every sense of the concept), and I soooo wish you could explain it (the big picture) to me... I want to believe that you are watching over me, taking care of me, being there for me... just like you always have been. And perhaps you are - Ethan wasn't hurt today (and he didn't hurt anyone else) and he could have been... I just want to 'know' it - I want to be able to say that you are 'there' with conviction, but I just can't seem to (yet). Will it come to me? Will I suddenly understand one day? I keep reading these different books, and I keep going to yoga (which I really do love going to), and I keep talking to myself and repeating what I've been reading, but will I one day 'just know', will I truly be a peace (while I am still physically on this Earth) or will I always be 'searching'???

Margaret also held the ring - it's such a pretty ring - and said that it was a powerful message (from who? I should have asked) that was here to help me. She said that it 'found me', was 'for me' and that I shouldn't take any of the stones out (which I had pretty much decided I wouldn't do anyway). So, I've begun to wear it. It took me a little while to figure out which finger to wear it on - I had to move rings around and try it on different fingers before I worked out the best 'ring configuration' and for some reason it feels like it's another ring from you (like all the rest of my rings). It really does... so that's the way that I will think about it from now on - it's from you.

I've been skyping with your sister and Jerry lately... you're mum's not doing so well, although it does sound like it's mostly her age, which I suppose is a bit to be expected. I think that your passing has also had a real impact on her, actually Pat & Jerry said that since she found out about the diagnosis in January that she's been kinda going 'down hill'. The other thing that I think is hard, is that she's always been so active and self-sufficient and she's losing her ability to be that way and I think that's very hard for her... I wish there was something to do or say that would make her feel better, but I'm not sure that there is. I will try to spend some 'quiet' time with her while I am there - I hope that I'll be able to as I have a feeling that it'll be a bit of a 'family reunion' with all of us there and as you'd know it's pretty challenging to have 'quiet' time when we're all there. Of course, it'll be pretty weird without you there... but Jerry, Pat and I had a good laugh on skype today when we all agreed that you'd be happy that you weren't!!

You know it's weird when I watch a movie or TV show and think, 'you would have really enjoyed that'... I just keep getting that feeling that I'll be able to talk to you about it later, or that you'll be back in awhile (like maybe next year). It's an odd feeling because I know you're not coming back... but again, it's that feeling that you are here, that I'll find you again. Maybe that's it, it's like you're lost, but that I know I'll find you again and you'll be okay... I don't know how to explain it because being lost doesn't sound good either... Maybe part of me just wants to be able to see you again so that you can tell me that you're proud of the way that I've handled things since you're death (although perhaps you wouldn't have been happy about how I've handled Ethan's latest car episode, and you probably wouldn't have been too impressed with his 19th Birthday friends coming and going either...). Okay so maybe it's not that you're proud of me... Or maybe it's that you would tell me that you know, that you really truly know how much I love you, loved you in your final days, weeks, months... that you understood that it really was unconditional love... that I would have done anything in my power for you to have been well again...

I miss you a lot...

I'm figuring things out...

We had a power-outage yesterday and of course that has thrown off all the timers around the place. Ethan brought it to my attention this morning that the pool filter was off and so we had a look and tried to figure out how to re-set it - no luck with just looking at it and pressing buttons. So... after thinking that I would need to call a Pool Guy (well, I'd been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks - just to explain to me how it all works) I thought to have a look for the instruction booklet, which I found. I love the fact that we kept all the instruction booklets in the one drawer and that you kept it so neat and tidy. Anyway, I found the booklet, read through the instructions and had a go - I think I managed to reset the time okay so now I'm just waiting for 3.00 to see if the filter goes on as planned...

I also found the booklet for the downstairs TV's which I needed as I discovered the other day when I was cleaning that Unit 1 didn't seem to be getting any of the '7' channels - so I read through that and managed to re-set those channels and now they are coming in.

I'm actually kinda proud of myself... I mean I suppose it's all pretty straightforward really, but I feel good that I did it by myself and didn't need to ask/call on anyone to help me. Or, maybe, you heard me ask for your help and you've supported me to find the information, strength and motivation to get it done on my own.

This - you not here - would be so different if it was just us living in a 'normal' family home... but I'm finding having the Units an entirely different challenge aside from adjusting to our family life without you. On one hand the Units are a good distraction - cleaning, maintenance, checking-in and out guests, chatting with guests, emails and bookings, etc - it has certainly kept me busy this past month. But on the other hand, it is a distraction and a stress (although I'm trying very hard not to get stressed out about things and to just deal with them as they come - I'm also trying very hard not to let myself spend too much time thinking/worrying about things that may happen in the future - like cyclones!) that sometimes I wish just wasn't there.

I love living here, our position at the beach, being able to watch the water and the weather as it comes in and changes across the day, weeks, and months. I love our home and our surrounds - and there have been so many lovely, positive comments about the Units - but I do worry a bit about how I will continue to manage and maintain them, our guests and our mortgage...

I think about you a lot - all the time in fact, pretty much when I am doing just about everything. I had to put more dishwasher soap in the under-the-sink container the other day and as I was going to get the big container in the closet I was wondering how I was going to get the soap from one container to another... I had to smile when I saw that you had already had that one figured out. There's lots of things that I see / use around the place that you have done / created that make me smile - you were so wonderful with making things work. And there's lots of things that I remember or think about when I'm thinking about you that make me smile... and make me cry too... because it just makes me miss you even more. I still find it hard to truly believe that I will never 'see' you again... or maybe it's more that I will never 'feel' your touch again, because I did see you last time I had a counseling session with Margaret. You were there, in my head and you were smiling - it made me feel like everything was okay.

Margaret said that I need to go to the 'me' that took care of you while you were ill, and while you were dying and to love and take care of that me, like I loved and took care of you... I hope that you knew how much I loved you in those months and that I would have done anything for you... I hope you felt my unconditional love - and it was unconditional - it was all about you, and only you. In looking back, I'm so sorry that it took your illness and your dying and death for me to truly love you unconditionally - and I so wish now that I had always loved you that way, because I think you always loved me unconditionally, but without compromising who you were. I'm so sorry for all of my doubts, and 'melt-downs' and accusations that you weren't doing what I needed you to do, or you weren't loving me the way that I thought you should... I just hope you felt my love and that our 'higher selves' found what they needed from each other and that you have 'passed on' to a truly better 'place'.

I have been doing a lot of reading, and soul-searching, and have been trying to 'find myself'. Who am I without you?

I guess I also see this as an opportunity to further develop 'me', to be a better person, a more content person... to not worry too much (I know you always thought that I worried too much), to accept who I am (warts and all?), to learn to hear and follow my inner voice - is it intuition? the divine? the Universe? my higher self? Don't know but I keep thinking that it doesn't make sense to continue living as I did before because life is different now... and that I should take advantage of this opportunity to live a better life. Not exactly sure what that is... working on 'staying open' so that when my path becomes apparent I'll know it...

I was thinking today about when we sat together on the beach in front of the house, and the sun was shining and it was warm... and you told me how much you loved me and the kids and our life together - it always brings tears to my eyes to think about it. I felt your love so strong that day... I'm sad that we didn't get to have our second 'couple' time together as our kids have become more and more independent. I was really looking forward to that time together, that time to re-discover ourselves as a couple, and create new patterns of being together...

I'm finding this time on my own interesting - having control over the TV remote! But I guess I watch less TV now and I find that I don't watch any of the crime drama that you and we used to watch, I just don't want those images in my head. Although I am reading a crime drama book at the moment and sometimes I wonder why, as those images are just as bad I think... I'm okay with my time alone, in fact I like it, just to be quiet and still... as it never seems to happen for too long, there's always someone around (between kids, visitors and guests) I'm not sure if I would like it if it went on for too long, but that hasn't happened yet and I still find my quiet time valuable.

I've told myself no big decisions for a year - I'm glad that I decided that early on as it's a good reminder when I start thinking about 'big decisions'. I am seriously thinking that I will need to sell one/both of the other houses though as I'm a bit concerned that interest rates will continue to rise and I'm just not sure how I'll cope when I have to re-negotiate this one if the rates are a lot higher... not sure. Like I said, I'm trying hard not to worry about it, but I think planning strategically based on the available information (and there is a prediction that interest rates will continue to rise) is different from acting through worry... I've also been thinking that perhaps I should invest some money in gold - boy, don't I wish we had that gold from way back. Why didn't we put it in a safe deposit box when we had a chance??? Anyway, there is a thought that if/when the current global economic bubble bursts that stocks will fall (not that we have any), interest rates will rise and that the only secure investment will be gold (over currencies)... Not sure really... a bit 'big' for my brain at the moment but I think that I need to think more seriously along those lines...

I really miss having these types of conversations with you - the bouncing off of ideas and discussions of 'what to do next'... I'm staying open in my heart, and brain, and soul - if you have any suggestions, ideas, advice, please let me know - I'm listening out for you.

Looking at pictures

I was looking at pictures of you today and it made me miss you even more...

It's been a couple of weeks

It's been a couple of weeks since I've written, not that I haven't thought about it, or thought about you as I do everyday through-out the day but life has been busy. My mother's here now which has been really good - to be honest I wasn't sure what it would be like but she's been a peaceful and calming presence and I've really appreciated her being here. She's also been fantastic with all the plants - in doors and out - you'd be really happy with all that she's done from cutting away all the dead and yellow leaves, fertilising (it was so funny when she suggested it - hadn't even occurred to me), transplanting plants that had overgrown their pots as well as putting new plants into empty pots or replacing those that weren't doing so well. It's all looking much better although there's still heaps to do - the whole south side needs a good once over and a really good prune. Plus the hibiscus are in desparate need of a cut back and I'd still like to give the front of the place a bit of a facelift as well. One thing at a time...

We've also had a lot of guests in over the last few weeks so I've been checking in people, making sure that all is okay, and of course having the occasional chats. Everyone has given really positive feedback both during their stays and when they are leaving - I've been trying to ensure that I chat with everyone on the day of their departure and say thank-you. We've had another nice Trip Advisor review - not exactly sure from who this time around and am hoping we'll have another one as one of the ones that left yesterday said they were users of Trip Advisor (found us there actually) and would definitely give us one, so we'll see.

I had three rooms to clean yesterday... lots of work! Didn't quite finish Unit 4 as I didn't get started until early afternoon. Mom and I went and played golf with Rhonda yesterday - 3 holes. It was kinda fun, and frustrating... not sure if it's the sport for me but I suppose it's worth considering, so many people seem to play. Anyway, it made for a long day on my feet yesterday - good exercise - and just didn't quite finish all the cleaning. Although in between things Ethan replaced the starter on the large flourescent bulb in Unit 3's bathroom - you would have been proud of him (I was) firstly figuring out what the problem was and then secondly finding where the new starters were (after I had looked and hadn't found them). Unfortunately, after that I still had to get on him for doing the 'bare minimum' and being more focused on Facebook and xBox then taking care of things that needed to be taken care of - very frustrating! I totally understand how you would get so frustrated and angry with him... and I do too, although I probably don't raise my voice quite as loud as you did. I don't know if it's just 'normal teenage boy' attitude or something deeper, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just age and that he'll get more 'with it' as he matures - Nahele has... I also got distracted from cleaning when Ethan was trying to fix the fence (from taking the turn into the extra carpark too quickly and swiping the end board - did a bit of damage to the board and about a $1000 worth to the car that he now has to pay for). Anyway, we were trying to find a hand saw as neither one of us were too keen on trying to use one of your electric saws and couldn't find it - I know you have one, but where??? I'll try looking in the boxes under the shed bench today and see if I have any luck, otherwise Ethan will go over to Hin's to see if he has a saw or we'll wait until James comes around.

3 weeks

It's 3 weeks since your passing... my moods and emotions swing up and down and I suppose you could say that I'm settling into some kinds of balance.

I decided to have some of your ashes put into a small urn that I can keep - I know it seems odd and I never thought I'd be someone to keep your ashes in an urn, but it is small and it can sit at my bedside without seeming to overwhelming. It's quite a heavy little urn - some type of stone or marble and really it's small enough that I don't suppose there's a lot of your ashes in it (the Funeral home people did that so I don't really know how much goes in) but it's more the symbolism of it really. I like it, and I'm glad I decided to do it...

The rest of your ashes have been divided into two lots - one lot to be spread here in Mission Beach. I'm thinking in the ocean one day, but not sure when. Definitely don't feel ready to do that at the moment - perhaps on your Birthday? and the other lot we'll take back to Hawaii with us and spread them in the ocean there. I thought I'd feel a bit funny (not in the haha sense) when I went to pick 'you' up or even in having your ashes here, but I don't. I carried them in as much of a 'hug' as I could and it was okay, and having them here isn't really weird at all, although I certainly wish it was you in health and flesh and blood instead!

Sleeping on my own is still very strange and I miss your presence and warmth in our bed. Sherri got me one of those long body pillows, which is great but of course a poor substitute for you. I've been sleeping okay (for the most part) but have had some strange dreams - for a couple of nights I was having dreams of you leaving me - the first one you left me for another woman which of course was very distressing to me in my dream and even left me feeling a bit unsettled in the morning and in the other one you just left me. I guess they are manifestations of how I'm feeling - that you've left me. I know you didn't want to, and that you didn't 'leave me' on purpose, but it's a funny feeling nonetheless.

I keep thinking - 'shit happens', death is part of the cycle of life, when it's your time, it's your time, and that we did everything that we knew to do, and that it's not up to me - I don't want to become bitter about your passing or spend my time bemoaning my loss of you. I understand that it's all part of the cycle and journey that each of us is on. Lately I've been thinking and feeling grateful for the nearly 25 years that our journeys coincided - I think we were both very good for each other in so many ways. You taught me (or maybe just helped me develop) strength, and determination (although I must have had some of that already) and consistency, and I think I helped you feel and be loved, and helped you mellow.

In looking back I'm really very sorry for my inconsistent behaviours - and the fights that we had because I wanted more from you then you were able to give. I never doubted your love, and in reflecting back I can see all that you did and were, were so much because of your love for me - and that's what you always said didn't you. I'm sorry that it was hard for me to accept the 'I'm here, aren't I?' reply to my 'Do you love me?' questions - I guess I just wanted the movie/story book romances that we 'girls' always seem to want.

I know you loved (love) me - I know that if you could have stayed with me, you would have... and for the number of times that I wondered (and if I'm honest, probably wished) that I was on my own, I so, so take it back now. I'm sure that I would rather spend our lives together settling into our older years, mellowing and beginning to 'find ourselves' again than what I am looking at now in figuring all this out on my own...

Your Memorial Service

Today is the day of your Memorial Service - and just about an hour and a half before we officially get started at 4pm. It's a beautiful day - thank-you if you had anything to do with that - and hopefully it will stay that way and the winds will stay calm through the afternoon and into the evening. We've set everything up downstairs, using Unit 4 as the bathroom, Unit 3 for all the electronics - TV for showing the photos and Rhonda's new Bose iPod system for the music, and Unit 2 for food and drinks. We've (Robin, Diana, Rhonda, the kids and I) have put all the chairs and tables from the Units around the place downstairs and it all looks very nice. Once we have the electronics and flowers and glasses set up I'll take a picture as I expect this is a memory worth having photos of. Wasn't sure if we should take pictures during the more official aspects of the afternoon, but if I can get Joanne to take some...

It's been a funny mix of emotions for me today - to be expected I suppose - I'm not entirely sure how I feel exactly. Yesterday was a bit more unsettling for me, so I guess I'm more settled today, as I picked up your ashes. I was a bit apprehensive doing so (Rhonda decided she should come with me as she felt that I shouldn't do that on my own - I was glad that she was there) but once I got to the Funeral Home and actually saw the containers with your ashes in them I was much better than I thought I would be. We looked at little urns and I've decide that I would like a little bit of your ashes to keep with me so have decided to have them put a bit of you in a little urn. Rhonda helped me pick out one which we thought seemed like a 'John' urn - it's a light brown marble and it's got quite a lot of weight to it, and it fits into the palm of my hand. Rhonda thought if I ever needed to protect myself I could do quite a lot of damage with it hitting someone - you're forever my protector.

I've been 'practicing' your eulogy - I hope that you like it. It's pretty challenging to try to sum up someone's very full life in a few pages of words, but I feel like I've been able to provide a well-rounded 'snapshot'. and the pictures are really lovely - although I had to cull so many of them because it was just too long. Diana had the idea that I put all the photos together on CDs for each of the kids - I love the idea so will do that for them as there are so many great photos of you. Plus I'm hoping to get more photos from friends and family over the next few months. You know when my last laptop crashed, we lost so many photos - pretty much all of the ones from our last visits to the States in 2004 (Hawaii) and 2005 (Virginia) which is a bit disappointing - I'm hoping that friends and families will either have copies or some of their own from that time.

So... how am I feeling? Still not sure... I guess still a bit apprehensive about this afternoon, and in a lot of ways I guess I'm looking forward to being on the other side of things. But hopefully once people begin to arrive, I will relax and be able to just 'go with the flow'. I just have that really slightly raised heartbeat, and what feels like the beginning of a headache but I think it's just the uncertainty and anxiety associated with an event like this. Plus, I really have no idea how many people will be here, or if there'll be too much (or not enough) food and drink for everyone. The other thing is that it feels like today is another changing point - I've told myself that I need to get back into / find my routine again after the Memorial Service. And while I won't be going back to work until after we come back from the States I just feel like I need to start 'doing things' again. So... I've been making a mental list (which will become a written list) of things that need to be done around here and I guess I'll just start doing them. But, I know from here it all really changes - that you really aren't coming back, that I really do need to learn how to do this on my own, and I need to figure out who I am without you...

It's a weird feeling...

Maybe I am numb...

I really can't pick how it is that I actually feel... definitely lacking motivation to do much of anything - really had to make myself clean a Unit the other day (glad that I did in the end) and then yesterday I swept the leaves around the pool (also had to make myself do it - didn't get to it until mid-day) but otherwise, the only things that I seem to 'want' to do is sit on the sofa and stare out at the ocean. Having said that, I don't feel any strong emotions of any sort - so, that's why I'm thinking this must be what numb is.

It is strange though - I can have a nice chat with someone (like Rhonda) and enjoy the conversation, even have a bit of a laugh, or get a bit teary (if we're talking about you) but when I'm on my own there isn't really any feeling of emotion - I'm just here. I think about you a lot, and I think about 'what next' although those thoughts tend to be a bit fuzzy and I certainly haven't made any definite plans beyond going to the States in October (paid for the tickets yesterday) and going back to work in the new year. Although I will (hopefully Jamie won't have a problem giving me another few months sick leave) have to go back for the last month or so of this term which will give me time to clean out my office, go through all the computer files and be working before the end of the school year which will mean that I'll get (or should get anyway) my holiday pay.

I went to dinner with Rhonda last night, to the new Thai place - it was quite nice. I think you would have liked it, good food (different from the other place, but still nice) and cheaper. $25 each for entrees, mains and dessert. I still get this sensation in my head, well it's though my body really, that you're waiting for me to come home... and then I realise, no, you're not. I'm on my own and no one really (well, I keep in touch with the kids - though they were both at the Show yesterday) is expecting me home at any particular time. Weird.

Night times are a bit odd feeling, watching TV on my own, going to bed and being in bed on my own, sleep and waking up on my own... all odd. I'm okay though... it's just so different.

I was speaking with Rhonda yesterday - spent a bit of time together, two walks on the beach, coffee after our morning walk and then wine after our afternoon walk and then dinner - about my thoughts about being on my own. I moved out of my Dad's house on Palai Street in Hilo when I was 15 or 16 (can't exactly remember, guess I could work it out if I went back and looked at my Uni transcripts) because he was moving back to Puna and I had been accepted into the Community College and wanted to stay in Hilo. I moved into a shared house situation on Kilauea St, rode my bike to school and to work (I was working at the restaurant that later became Lehua's) and that was going really well for me. I met Joe when I was 16, and it wasn't that much later that we moved in together. We both had separate places initially but we were with each other constantly, and then we moved into his parent's house in Ainaloa, although I can't exactly remember when that was - whether I was 16 or 17 by that point. Anyway, we lived together until we broke up at the end of the year of 1985. We had both graduated from UHH in June of 1985, kept the band going - we were playing pretty regularly then - but I guess I was growing up and needed something new. It's not that Joe was a bad person, but I needed a change... so we split, I think it was in November.

We kept the band together and continued practicing and playing gigs - it was going okay and we had both been out with other people but nothing very serious for either one of us. And then you asked my out... March 16th was our first date... and wasn't I smitten! I wasn't looking for another serious or long-term relationship, well, I certainly don't remember thinking that at all but you were amazing and really I had always been attracted to you (you know the kind of increased heartbeat, tingling sensations, can't help smiling kinda of attraction every time I saw you - even if it was from a distance) so I always thought it was meant to be - I couldn't have stopped that attraction even if I wanted to. After an unsuccessful move to San Francisco with the band, I moved back to Hawaii and in with you in the summer of 1986 - and we were together ever since.

So, really, I haven't spent that much time on my own as an independent woman. While of course I still have the kids, I'm feeling that this is now my time to 'do it on my own' and I feel okay about that. I suppose at sometime down the track there'll be another long-term man in my life, and I expect in the nearer future (but not to near) I'll need a lover, or at least the occasional fling as I do still like, enjoy and want to have sex, but I'm feeling really strongly (oh, there's a feeling/emotion) that I want to do things on my own for a while. I want to make this place work and be successful (so that I can sell it for a good price in a few years), I want to continue my own career (although I haven't quite figured out in what direction just yet - I'll just work back in a school for a year or two until that becomes a bit clearer in my head) and I want to get both kids off successfully pursuing their particular interests and dreams.

I want to be able to honour our lives together and your live and influence on my life through continuing to live a good life and make good decisions - one's that we would have made together... and take it from there... not sure what it's all going to look like but I just can't see myself sitting here and pining away. That's just not the kind of person I am, and I don't think you'd want me to do that.

Know that I miss you, and that I didn't choose to take this path - while I might have wondered what it would have been like on my own, I never really wanted to do it that way - but now that I'm on it, I feel like (oh, another feeling) that I have to do it well and make the most of whatever opportunities present themselves, which means that I also need to be open to those opportunities.

The weather has finally gotten a bit nice - not raining at least. Still a bit overcast with sun splashes through-out the day, but warm.

The last weeks...

I feel like I should write about what things were like in those last weeks of your life - really it was quite surreal then too, and I feel like I need to write/discuss it while the details (what details I have as things are kinda fuzzy too) are still in my head.

I think I knew you were going to die, probably about 6 weeks before - it came to me during my first session with the counselor, but I guess I also choose not to acknowledge or accept it...

What to do?

I'm sitting on the sofa - your spot - on my own in the house and wondering what I should do now? There's plenty of things that I could be doing - continue cleaning the house, continue tidying our closet, make the bed, clean Unit 3, sweep the leaves from the walkways around the place, input the year's invoices for taxes, respond to the numerous condolence emails that people have sent... - but I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to do any of those things. At the moment anyway, perhaps after writing for a bit I'll find something to do which happens to take my interest at that moment - I'm leaning towards sweeping the leaves...

It continues to hit me that you're not coming back... I suppose after nearly 25 years together, it's understandable that I'm having a hard time adjusting to the fact that you're not available to check with, ask questions of, chat to, make decisions with, discuss things... I guess this blog is a bit of a substitute for that, but certainly no replacement.

I do wonder 'where' you - is it you - are at now? While we've heard the stories of those who have had near-death experiences, and the Tibetan Book of Living & Dying has a pretty definite idea (and description) of what they believe happens in the afterdeath (before rebirth), I just wonder where you are now? I hope it's peaceful, and blissful, and somehow fulfilling and that it's all okay. Or perhaps it really is nothingness... but that's very hard for those of us still living to really get our heads around - it just seems like you should still be 'out there' somewhere. I wonder if you are looking down (?) on us... if you have feelings, sensations, worries & concerns... or maybe once you pass over you are able to get that sense that everything does really work out.

That's something I'm having a bit of difficulty getting my head around - that concept that "everything works out in the end" or "everything happens for a reason, and it all works out". I've always felt strongly about that, and have found that it is a sentiment that makes it much easier to 'go with the flow' when things are difficult or frustrating, so I want to believe that this is just another difficult/challenging time which that saying applies to as well. But.... I just don't understand how you dying at 59, leaving me, leaving the kids (I know it wasn't your choice - and you wouldn't have gone if it was up to you) but how does that fit into the idea that 'it all works out in the end' or that 'things have a way of working out'. I'm just not able to really get my head around that one.

I am beginning to wonder what life will be like without you though - and I guess if I am honest I have wondered that before (obviously never acted upon it) but there have certainly been times when we've had difficult points in our relationship that I've wondered. But now - here it is. I'm essentially (still have the kids to care for) on my own... I'm not really sure what to do with that thought either.

I've decided (not to make any decisions - sounds funny - I've decided not to do any deciding) - but in all seriousness, I've decided not to make any 'big' decisions (not entirely sure what 'big' is - I suppose trying to sell Taihoa is the most obvious) for the next year. I see this year coming up as a 'Year of firsts' - so many things to do, to think of, to act upon, without you to do it with. Not just events like birthdays (really not sure how I'm going to handle your birthday/Christmas - guess I'll think about that more when it comes around), anniversaries, Megan's Formal next year... but also just the 'everyday' of live and work - taxes, bank accounts, rentals, Units, website, travel, back to work, do I go back to study?, what do I want to do next? It's just that all of our future plans were together - it's different now - and I guess we didn't really have a 'next step' plan so now it's up to me - what will I do? I'm not frightened - a bit apprehensive if anything... and perhaps it's just not anything to think about, just let it happens as it does - be open to the possibilities. It's just you know how I like to think things through and about all the possibilities - I'm sure I probably spend too much 'time in my head'.

I keep thinking about our first and last kisses - they were both so beautiful, so memorable, so tender, and so different. Our first kiss (well kisses - but I definitely remember the first on) was in the car (orange Honda hatchback) parked at Reed's Bay after our first dinner together at Harrington's Restaurant (there were many more to come - both in Hilo and in Kawaihae). It was the most amazing kiss - tender but passionate - I felt it through-out my whole body - you had me then and there! I remember wanting you so badly - wanting to make love with you, to keep kissing, to feel your body, all of your body - god, I'm getting turned on just thinking about it! Damn you were hot!

And the last time you kissed me (because I kissed you more after that) I was helping you to sit up - and you were so weak at that point that you were having a hard time sitting up straight. Sometimes you could, but other times you would slump over. I was leaning across you - don't remember what I was doing exactly, maybe grabbing or adjusting a pillow, and you leaned over and kissed me, twice. and it was so tender and soft and sweet and beautiful - so different from the first one but so full of love.

I love you so much - I always have. Even when I was angry with you or frustrated and even all those times when I did wonder what life would be like on my own.

I miss you.

Yesterday was low

It was a week ago yesterday that you left us... and it's been a very odd 7 days. A bizarre mixture of sadness and loss, relief, exhaustion, dazed and confused, fuzzy thinking, floating, numbness, limbo, uncertainty, concern, worry... but interestingly today I felt a bit clearer, perhaps just a bit more accepting of our current reality. I don't know why exactly - is it because it's been a week? Because the sun came out a bit today? Because the kids and I decided it would be a good day to go to Cairns, do some errands and a bit of shopping, and just get out of the house? I don't know...

I thought about you a lot today - while driving, while shopping, while talking with the kids - I'm pretty sure that the full impact of your passing has not hit me yet. I know that I am still 'floating' through the day... but I guess I am beginning to make sense of the fact that you're not coming back. Or maybe it's just today and I'll go back to feeling lost again tomorrow.

Another thing about the last week that's made it all a bit surreal, and perhaps has also helped to ease the complete loss of you is the number of people that have stopped by on a daily basis, the flower deliveries (pretty much every day), the cards, and the emails, and the food (everyday a meal from one of the staff members at school - it's been so fantastic). While there's also plenty of quiet time, all of these things have been welcome distractions and somehow cushion your absence. I know (and have discussed this with several people) that in a month's time or so, when the visitors, flowers, food, cards, and emails have stopped that it will all hit me. I miss you now but I expect that I'll really feel your absence then.

Both from missing your presence, your hugs, sleeping (and making love) with you but also around this place... there are sooo many things that need to be kept on top of and done on a regular (and sometimes not so regular) basis. I had to get a replacement lock today for the shed as the plastic plate on the locking mechanism just came apart. And of course, they don't have just a replacement part, I had to get the whole locking mechanism because they no longer make the plastic ones (I guess they realised that they were a bit worthless because they so easily fall apart). Oh well... at least I got them to give me a trade price. Tomorrow Ethan & I will give it a go putting it back on again. I know I could get someone to do it but I feel like I need to try to do it myself (with Ethan's help of course) as these things have now become my complete responsibility.

Ethan had a bit of a prang - Toyota vs fence - I know that you would not have been impressed, I certainly wasn't. I expect that you would have handled it a lot differently than me (or at least a bit differently as I expect you would have gotten quite angry). While I didn't get angry (just annoyed) I did really try to impress upon him that it was completely the result of him not thinking, moving too fast, and not taking the first feeling of car touching fence seriously. While it's all fixable - and we found a replacement fence board in the shed - he will have to get the car fixed at a panel beaters (who knows what that's going to cost) as the paint has been scratched off to bare metal. It's a good little car and I want it to last for as long as we can make it, so it's got to be repaired and he'll have to pay for it entirely.

It's hard though because I know that none of us are thinking/working at 100% - I certainly know that I'm not thinking straight. I really have to think things through, and double check (especially my emails and my maths) to make sure that I am doing/saying what I had intended to. I'm pretty sure the kids are feeling the same way, they just don't necessarily have the wherewithall to know that's what's happening for them.

Megan made it to camp on Sunday but the camp coordinator called at about 8am yesterday morning to say that Megan needed to come home. I was happy to go out (to Murray Falls) and get her, and understood that being out there was probably hard. She made it through two nights, and it was wet and gray the whole time. The morning that I picked her up was the day of the overnight hike/camp and perhaps that was part of the problem too. But we're all feeling a bit more delicate and vulnerable than usual, and while I would have expected her to carry on under normal circumstances, this past week (and really the past several months) are nothing like normal, really they have been quite extra-ordinary, and I think it was all too much for her. She said that she'd had a feeling in her stomach and a bit of a panic attack when the teacher asked her how she was... but as soon as she heard that I was coming to pick her up she felt better. I know it was the right thing to do.

You know, when I reflect back now I realise really how extra-ordinary the past 7 months of our lives have been and certainly the past 3. The weird thing is how certain I was - really until probably the last 3 weeks of your life - that you would get better. Were we too confident in the Protocel? Should we have tried the Vitamin C regime? Should we have opted to do that first - would it have made a difference? Were we right to keep listening to all the people that said to stay confident, give it at least 4 months, that were able to explain the problems that you were having and the continued deterioration? I have to say, I have been thinking/asking myself those questions all week, and really probably all month but by then it was really too late to make any changes. You know I even ordered (and received) a new bottle of Protocel - I had thought that we weren't going to need it, I guess I knew we had passed the 'point of no return' but I just couldn't bring myself to consciously believe it, or even say it aloud or discuss it with you.

The other side of all that is I keep hearing what my father used to say (and probably still does) - 'when it's your time to go, it's your time to go'... so then I wonder did we get lucky with the time that we did get? Some people (I think it was Gaye actually) have said that we got 3 years more (you know from the first diagnosis) then perhaps we would have (I guess without treatment). But then that makes me think - what would have happened if you had just had the surgery and not had the chemo and radiation? Would your body have been stronger? Better able to heal itself? What if we had moved into the anti-cancer diet and lifestyle sooner? I know - hind-sight is always 20/20

Do you remember saying how you wanted them to put back what they took out? You were talking to me and Jamie, and definitely on the pain meds at that point, but you were talking about your stomach/oesophagus. I know it was hard for you after the first bout and treatment for the cancer, and that your quality of life was really never the same after that.

In looking back, while I know you were here with us which was really good, especially for us.. but if we consider the time involved in surgery, two rounds of chemo and radiation and then the healing time on top of that... and then the down-hill run of the last 7 months - it's been a tough/rough 3 years. And we probably only had 6 to 8 months that we could consider really good. You were really strong though, and you stayed strong and positive, and you just got on with it didn't you - one of your amazing qualities my love and one that I hope I can carry on for you.

It's been really lovely to hear/read all the wonderful memories that people have of you, and all of your qualities that people have mentioned and reminded me about. Greg sent an email and said that the thing he'll remember most is your smile, and how your whole face smiled... you know while I have never actually articulated that thought in my head, I knew exactly what he meant when he said that. And all of your photos are evidence to that...

I love you so much...

Almost a week since you've gone

I spoke with your mother this morning, and had a bit of a cry. Well, I cry all the time... but not ALL the time. I am able to function (although not at 100% - I managed to take the wrong booking sheet down when yesterday's guests checked in, tried to charge them way over the amount that they actually were due, and then couldn't even work out the difference when he brought it to my attention - pretty bad!).

Your mother reminded me about all the wonderful years that we've had together and to remember (and be thankful) for those... it was a good reminder for me, and is a way to help stop thinking about all the things that we won't get to do together or all the future moments that you won't be here for.

Rhonda made me take a walk on the beach today - the weather has been so grey and windy and wet that I haven't really wanted to go out to the beach, and really I haven't wanted to leave the house. Not sure why really, just haven't wanted to go - unless I had to, like when I took Megan into town to meet the bus for camp. Anyway, the walk was really good - it felt good to be outside and on the beach, and it didn't rain - in fact the sun was almost shining for a little while - and the ocean air felt good. Maybe you were the bit of sunshine that I felt.

Celi emailed and said that often in the first few weeks after death, you are still quite close and a bit clarvioyant - she said to keep an eye out for signs. I'm not sure that I've really noticed any - I try to feel you but at the same time I know you have a journey to make so I don't want to 'keep' you here - but I guess I don't know what to look for.

I feel like I wander or float through the day, and even through the night - I sleep but I wake up a lot and then I go back to sleep. I know that you're not coming back but it does still feel like you are just away for awhile and will be back later - it's a funny sensation. And today when I was walking on the beach, I couldn't help that feeling/thought in the back of my head that I would get when I would be out, that I needed to get back home again because you'd be expecting me... and then I realised, that I didn't, because you weren't... it was a weird feeling.

It's nearly been a week - early tomorrow morning. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying says that in afterdeath, especially in the first stages (21 days) the spirit (I guess it's your spirit) will revisit the place of their death. In our bed, on your side, and next to me... I'll be there when you visit in the morning... maybe you'll be able to gently kiss my cheek, or lightly brush through my hair...

The last week has been so surreal - this bizarre mixture of sadness, and loss, and numbness and at the same time there have been so many emails, cards, visits, flowers, food, phone calls from all of our friends, family and workmates. The amount of support and love that we've been receiving is so amazing, and so helpful right now. At the same time a distraction - a good distraction.

The day of your death - John's day I call it now - was so beautiful, so sunny and warm. After the visit to the Funeral Home in Innisfail (that was sort of a strange experience - Megan & Rhonda came with me). I wanted to find a black bracelet - I didn't know exactly what it would look like but I knew that I wanted something black, simple and that I could wear all the time for the next year as a commemoration, symbol, reminder of your passing. I'm not sure what to call it really, perhaps just my version of wearing black for a year... Rhonda called the Wiltshire Gallery to see what they had and while they were checking we went to the jewelery store in the middle of Innisfail, and there it was - a small, woven leather, Pandora bracelet with a silver bead clasp - just perfect. I went to pay for it and then realised that Megan might want one too (for the same reason as me) and she did so I got two of them. Then Rhonda said we really should get one for Ethan too - which made sense - but Megan said we couldn't get Ethan a Pandora because it was too 'girly'. Leave it to Megan to bring that to our attention... So we went into Mellicks at Rhonda's suggestion, and there once again, the perfect thing - a male's bracelet, kinda like a watchband made of silver (probably stainless steel) and a double black line (not sure what it is actually). Ethan loves it but I need to get a few of the brackets removed as it's a bit big.

So... the three of us have our commemorative (I still don't think that's the right word), memorial (perhaps that's a better term) bracelets. Not that we need to be reminded of you or of your death but as a way to keep you close to us for a while... it feels good, I like wearing it (although I do take it off when I take a shower).

I'll miss you for a long time John... I love you.

Megan is packing for Year 11 camp... there is so much stuff strewn around, but I guess that's the nature of packing for camp. She's so worried about not being able to 'bush pee', it's kinda funny.

I wish you were here!

I guess I'll feel this way for a long time to come but I just want you to be here. I know you're gone, I know you're not coming back... but I just want you to be here!

It was a quieter day today... Robin & Diana headed back north this morning. As wonderful as they are, and have been, it was time... I needed the quiet time really. There were a couple of visitors today - Pelory brought flowers and Lynda brought pumpkin soup. The freezer is filling up which is fantastic because the thought of cooking just causes my brain to freeze up.

So... we've finished packing Megan's gear - she's certainly not travelling light, but under the circumstances I think that's okay. She's done pretty well actually. We borrowed most of the gear from Joanne again - not sure what we would have done for both Megan's & Ethan's camp if it wasn't for her generosity. Plus Megan borrowed a swag from Colleen and a camp cot from Joanne (which we didn't do for Ethan) which will certainly make sleeping a lot more comfortable.

She's ready to go. I'll take her to Tully in the morning and she's off for 5 days, 4 nights. I think that it'll be a good distraction for her and hopefully an overall positive experience. Adrianna and Paula are both going, which will certainly make a difference for her. While she's definitely apprehensive, I think she's also excited and kinda looking forward to it. Not sure what the weather's going to be like - it's been so gray, windy, wet and kinda cold since you've gone.

It makes the amazingly beautiful, sunny, warm and settled day of your passing so much more special - John's day is what I've been calling the 20th. I knew you would go on a sunny day - or maybe I just needed it to be a sunny day - you know how I hate the gray weather.

I miss you so much... I miss the things that we won't do together in the future... from the big things like holidays away, watching the kids become more independent, choosing our next home, learning to be a couple again as the kids leave home to start their own lives, growing older together... and the small things like watching TV together, going out to dinner, walking on the beach, riding bikes in the mornings, talking about things - important and mundane...

I can't believe you're actually gone

Dear John,

You died this Tuesday, 20 July sometime between 5am and 6.23am - I actually think it was probably right before I woke up at 6.23, so I'm thinking that it was about 6.20am. At least that's what I think when I'm lying in bed in the early hours of the morning with my hand on your side of the bed over the spot where your heart would be...

I miss you soooo much.

I'm having a hard time believing that you're actually gone... I mean I know that you're gone, but it almost feels like you're just away for a bit and that you'll be back, or at least call, or even text me that you love me.

Your last night was a bit difficult for me... you were pretty out-of-it by then anyway, as we had increased the morphine and the sedative because you had looked (wincing and grimacing every time I tried to reposition you) like you were in pain, and you were seeming very agitated. So, you were quite far away... I had been trying to change your positions every few hours, but the last time I did so (moved the pillows away from your legs) you really winced and I had been worried about trying to move you any more. You seemed to be resting comfortably when I went to sleep... I woke up off and on through the night. Your breathing was very shallow, and quite loud so I used the yellow ear plugs half way through the night as I really needed to get some sleep. While I had thought you would be leaving that night, I wasn't 100% sure and I knew I needed some rest for coping with the next day... I woke up at 5am and you were still breathing, and I thought, wow, you're still here.

You hung in there for such a long time... much past the time when you said you were ready and we had all said our good-byes. It was really hard to watch you on those final days as you got thinner, and more sallow, and further away.

When I woke up at 5am I watched you for awhile... but I was a bit scared to touch you as I didn't want to cause you any distress so I didn't move your position but I think that I rubbed your upper arm a bit, and I feel back to sleep. When I woke up at 6.23am you were gone.

I watched you for a while because I wasn't quite sure if you were actually gone, it seemed like I could still see the movement of your breath and the beat of your heart, but in the end I think those were actually my breath and heartbeat. I felt for your heartbeat, and you were definitely not there anymore.

I still find it hard to believe that you won't be back with me though... and I wonder where you are...

I hope that you're calm and peaceful, and I try (not sure if I'm doing it right, or well) to do the Tibetan Buddhist Phowa from the Tibetan Book of Living & Dying that I've been reading which is meant to help you go through the 49 days of after death (before rebirth) calmly and positively.

I watched you for awhile... and then I got up, and took a picture of the sun rising. You know the day you died we had a beautiful, sunny, warm day - the most beautiful day that we'd had in weeks. And, it was sunny all day - not just a bit in the morning or afternoon which had happened before when we'd had a bit of sunshine. And, the next day the overcast, gray, windy drizzle came back... it's been here ever since.

Of course, I had to call the Dr as he had to come and officially say that you were dead. I waited until about 7am to call. Jamie arrived about 7.30 - he spent a bit of time, had a look at you and listened to your heart, and spoke with me. I called the Funeral Home and then I called your mom, Pat, and Robin & Diana. I waited until a bit later to call Rhonda as I know she likes her sleep-in's. The day was rather surreal...

I hate saying/feeling it but it was somewhat of a relief that you had gone - the last two weeks of your life were hard, for us and for you. You'd stopped eating over 2 weeks before - Friday, 2 July actually - and your last bites of food were of Chile Rellenos that I had made from the canned chiles that Nahele had brought from Texas. I guess that was a nice last meal - homemade and you always liked Chile Rellenos. But you stopped eating after that because you just weren't able to keep the food down - you could chew (and I know that it tasted good), and you could swallow, but later on that evening it all came back up again in one of your coughing episodes. You continued to drink, small sips from the cup and then from a straw but about a week or so later you started not being able (or it almost seemed like you forgot how to) swallow, and the water would just spill out of your mouth. I found that hard...

Heartbreaking really... as I guess that's when it all became very real that you weren't going to be getting better. I really, really thought that you would - all along - I thought you would wake up one day and say, I'm feeling better and that things would just continue to get better each day from that point.

You continued to get thinner, and more sallow and gaunt looking, and of course the jaundice coloured your skin and eyes. My goal all along had been to keep you as comfortable as possible, and that's what I tried to do. And to make sure that you knew how much I loved you, how much you meant to me - I hope you know / knew that - I hope that it's helped you through your journey.

Today is a better day

I found yesterday, well at least the morning, really difficult but today I'm feeling much better. The concerns I had in the morning were addressed and rectified and by yesterday afternoon I was feeling much calmer and relaxed. Then last night I managed to get more sleep (and restful sleep) then I had had in weeks, and that has certainly made a difference in today's state of mind. I have also taken care of some important things that I had been putting off... and that all went much smoother then it could have for which I am very grateful. A wonderful person dropped off a very yummy quiche, which made for an excellent late breakfast and I'm sure a very yummy dinner as well. I am so

Is this a test?

Sometimes it feels like it's a test... a test for what? by whom? But really, I don't think it is a test, I think that thinking that is some way to try to explain or justify why things happen as they do. Really, I think that it's just life... life is challenging, sometimes moreso then at others but challenging none the less, and perhaps the test (if there is one) is to see how well we can just accept, be, do what needs to be done, and carry on...