3 weeks

It's 3 weeks since your passing... my moods and emotions swing up and down and I suppose you could say that I'm settling into some kinds of balance.

I decided to have some of your ashes put into a small urn that I can keep - I know it seems odd and I never thought I'd be someone to keep your ashes in an urn, but it is small and it can sit at my bedside without seeming to overwhelming. It's quite a heavy little urn - some type of stone or marble and really it's small enough that I don't suppose there's a lot of your ashes in it (the Funeral home people did that so I don't really know how much goes in) but it's more the symbolism of it really. I like it, and I'm glad I decided to do it...

The rest of your ashes have been divided into two lots - one lot to be spread here in Mission Beach. I'm thinking in the ocean one day, but not sure when. Definitely don't feel ready to do that at the moment - perhaps on your Birthday? and the other lot we'll take back to Hawaii with us and spread them in the ocean there. I thought I'd feel a bit funny (not in the haha sense) when I went to pick 'you' up or even in having your ashes here, but I don't. I carried them in as much of a 'hug' as I could and it was okay, and having them here isn't really weird at all, although I certainly wish it was you in health and flesh and blood instead!

Sleeping on my own is still very strange and I miss your presence and warmth in our bed. Sherri got me one of those long body pillows, which is great but of course a poor substitute for you. I've been sleeping okay (for the most part) but have had some strange dreams - for a couple of nights I was having dreams of you leaving me - the first one you left me for another woman which of course was very distressing to me in my dream and even left me feeling a bit unsettled in the morning and in the other one you just left me. I guess they are manifestations of how I'm feeling - that you've left me. I know you didn't want to, and that you didn't 'leave me' on purpose, but it's a funny feeling nonetheless.

I keep thinking - 'shit happens', death is part of the cycle of life, when it's your time, it's your time, and that we did everything that we knew to do, and that it's not up to me - I don't want to become bitter about your passing or spend my time bemoaning my loss of you. I understand that it's all part of the cycle and journey that each of us is on. Lately I've been thinking and feeling grateful for the nearly 25 years that our journeys coincided - I think we were both very good for each other in so many ways. You taught me (or maybe just helped me develop) strength, and determination (although I must have had some of that already) and consistency, and I think I helped you feel and be loved, and helped you mellow.

In looking back I'm really very sorry for my inconsistent behaviours - and the fights that we had because I wanted more from you then you were able to give. I never doubted your love, and in reflecting back I can see all that you did and were, were so much because of your love for me - and that's what you always said didn't you. I'm sorry that it was hard for me to accept the 'I'm here, aren't I?' reply to my 'Do you love me?' questions - I guess I just wanted the movie/story book romances that we 'girls' always seem to want.

I know you loved (love) me - I know that if you could have stayed with me, you would have... and for the number of times that I wondered (and if I'm honest, probably wished) that I was on my own, I so, so take it back now. I'm sure that I would rather spend our lives together settling into our older years, mellowing and beginning to 'find ourselves' again than what I am looking at now in figuring all this out on my own...