Ethan had a bit of a car wreck today... probably calling it a 'car wreck' is a bit more than it actually was but I'm not sure what else you would call it. Basically he ran off the road and scratched the car up a bit, broke the side-view mirror (passenger's side) and has probably thrown out the wheel alignment and possibly the suspension. He's fine - a few scratches from getting out of the car into the bushes that he ended up stopping in but nothing from the car accident itself.
Of course he was pretty shaken up and in a bit of shock. I was at yoga so didn't actually speak to him until he got home again - so the car is drivable - he called me while I was driving home. And when I did arrive I got a big 'shaky' hug - he was obviously pretty upset. I can just imagine what your reaction would have been... and to be honest, I'm glad you weren't here for it because I'm sure it would have been that much more stressful, for all of us! As it was, there was a police officer here when I arrived - and of course the guests all arrived home (from a fishing trip - one of them gave me a large spanish makeral - that's another story) so it seemed like it was 'all happening'. There was a police report written and he will get some type of summons (I guess that's what it's called) which he can choose to either plead guilty (apparently he can do that in writing), go to court to contest the charge or plead not-guilty - I guess you can probably guess which option I will be recommending. He apparently will get some type of fine ($200 to $300 according to the police officer) and 3 points - big bummer for him as he will also have to pay for the car to be fixed (again! it just came back from the panel beaters for fixing the side of the car that he hit the fence with) and I've told him he's riding his bike to work for the next week...
Arrgghh!!!!!
I didn't yell, but I tried to stress to him that, that didn't mean that I wasn't angry... and I didn't lecture. We did discuss things at length though and I soooo hope that he's 'gotten the lesson' this time around. What else can I do though??? I just don't think yelling, getting really upset, banning him totally from use of the car (although I did tell him if it happened again, that was it, he wasn't driving my car/s anymore - not sure how productive that was but I couldn't stop myself from saying it) was going to make much difference. I know that he was shaken, and upset, and scared about what happened and I just hope, pray, wish, that he 'gets it' this time...
I went and saw Margaret again yesterday - I guess it's been at least a half dozen visits now (while you were sick and since you've passed away) and it really has helped me. I don't know how to exactly explain how - there's a kind of an affirmation of what I am feeling I guess, as well as new ways of looking at/considering where my life is now, and how I might approach my journey now that you're no longer here in person. I want to believe that you are still here - and that someday we will 'be together' again - but I'm still trying to figure out how that all works. I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling how reincarnation and 'being with me in spirit' works - can you do both? I don't know. I've been thinking that I will ask Margaret how that works but for some reason just haven't done so yet.
I brought you (in your little urn) to my appointment yesterday - don't know why really, just felt like I should. I also brought that ring that your sister found on the sidewalk in Brisbane last year, and that you put in my bag when I left it on the counter at the apartment when we left. Margaret held you (in the urn) and said that 'you understood so much more, or maybe you understood it all' now, that what was a narrow vision when you were on Earth was now a vision of the 'big picture' and that it all made sense to you now. I so want to believe that, to believe that 'you' are okay, happy, pain-free (in every sense of the concept), and I soooo wish you could explain it (the big picture) to me... I want to believe that you are watching over me, taking care of me, being there for me... just like you always have been. And perhaps you are - Ethan wasn't hurt today (and he didn't hurt anyone else) and he could have been... I just want to 'know' it - I want to be able to say that you are 'there' with conviction, but I just can't seem to (yet). Will it come to me? Will I suddenly understand one day? I keep reading these different books, and I keep going to yoga (which I really do love going to), and I keep talking to myself and repeating what I've been reading, but will I one day 'just know', will I truly be a peace (while I am still physically on this Earth) or will I always be 'searching'???
Margaret also held the ring - it's such a pretty ring - and said that it was a powerful message (from who? I should have asked) that was here to help me. She said that it 'found me', was 'for me' and that I shouldn't take any of the stones out (which I had pretty much decided I wouldn't do anyway). So, I've begun to wear it. It took me a little while to figure out which finger to wear it on - I had to move rings around and try it on different fingers before I worked out the best 'ring configuration' and for some reason it feels like it's another ring from you (like all the rest of my rings). It really does... so that's the way that I will think about it from now on - it's from you.
I've been skyping with your sister and Jerry lately... you're mum's not doing so well, although it does sound like it's mostly her age, which I suppose is a bit to be expected. I think that your passing has also had a real impact on her, actually Pat & Jerry said that since she found out about the diagnosis in January that she's been kinda going 'down hill'. The other thing that I think is hard, is that she's always been so active and self-sufficient and she's losing her ability to be that way and I think that's very hard for her... I wish there was something to do or say that would make her feel better, but I'm not sure that there is. I will try to spend some 'quiet' time with her while I am there - I hope that I'll be able to as I have a feeling that it'll be a bit of a 'family reunion' with all of us there and as you'd know it's pretty challenging to have 'quiet' time when we're all there. Of course, it'll be pretty weird without you there... but Jerry, Pat and I had a good laugh on skype today when we all agreed that you'd be happy that you weren't!!
You know it's weird when I watch a movie or TV show and think, 'you would have really enjoyed that'... I just keep getting that feeling that I'll be able to talk to you about it later, or that you'll be back in awhile (like maybe next year). It's an odd feeling because I know you're not coming back... but again, it's that feeling that you are here, that I'll find you again. Maybe that's it, it's like you're lost, but that I know I'll find you again and you'll be okay... I don't know how to explain it because being lost doesn't sound good either... Maybe part of me just wants to be able to see you again so that you can tell me that you're proud of the way that I've handled things since you're death (although perhaps you wouldn't have been happy about how I've handled Ethan's latest car episode, and you probably wouldn't have been too impressed with his 19th Birthday friends coming and going either...). Okay so maybe it's not that you're proud of me... Or maybe it's that you would tell me that you know, that you really truly know how much I love you, loved you in your final days, weeks, months... that you understood that it really was unconditional love... that I would have done anything in my power for you to have been well again...
I miss you a lot...
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