I spoke with your mother this morning, and had a bit of a cry. Well, I cry all the time... but not ALL the time. I am able to function (although not at 100% - I managed to take the wrong booking sheet down when yesterday's guests checked in, tried to charge them way over the amount that they actually were due, and then couldn't even work out the difference when he brought it to my attention - pretty bad!).
Your mother reminded me about all the wonderful years that we've had together and to remember (and be thankful) for those... it was a good reminder for me, and is a way to help stop thinking about all the things that we won't get to do together or all the future moments that you won't be here for.
Rhonda made me take a walk on the beach today - the weather has been so grey and windy and wet that I haven't really wanted to go out to the beach, and really I haven't wanted to leave the house. Not sure why really, just haven't wanted to go - unless I had to, like when I took Megan into town to meet the bus for camp. Anyway, the walk was really good - it felt good to be outside and on the beach, and it didn't rain - in fact the sun was almost shining for a little while - and the ocean air felt good. Maybe you were the bit of sunshine that I felt.
Celi emailed and said that often in the first few weeks after death, you are still quite close and a bit clarvioyant - she said to keep an eye out for signs. I'm not sure that I've really noticed any - I try to feel you but at the same time I know you have a journey to make so I don't want to 'keep' you here - but I guess I don't know what to look for.
I feel like I wander or float through the day, and even through the night - I sleep but I wake up a lot and then I go back to sleep. I know that you're not coming back but it does still feel like you are just away for awhile and will be back later - it's a funny sensation. And today when I was walking on the beach, I couldn't help that feeling/thought in the back of my head that I would get when I would be out, that I needed to get back home again because you'd be expecting me... and then I realised, that I didn't, because you weren't... it was a weird feeling.
It's nearly been a week - early tomorrow morning. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying says that in afterdeath, especially in the first stages (21 days) the spirit (I guess it's your spirit) will revisit the place of their death. In our bed, on your side, and next to me... I'll be there when you visit in the morning... maybe you'll be able to gently kiss my cheek, or lightly brush through my hair...
The last week has been so surreal - this bizarre mixture of sadness, and loss, and numbness and at the same time there have been so many emails, cards, visits, flowers, food, phone calls from all of our friends, family and workmates. The amount of support and love that we've been receiving is so amazing, and so helpful right now. At the same time a distraction - a good distraction.
The day of your death - John's day I call it now - was so beautiful, so sunny and warm. After the visit to the Funeral Home in Innisfail (that was sort of a strange experience - Megan & Rhonda came with me). I wanted to find a black bracelet - I didn't know exactly what it would look like but I knew that I wanted something black, simple and that I could wear all the time for the next year as a commemoration, symbol, reminder of your passing. I'm not sure what to call it really, perhaps just my version of wearing black for a year... Rhonda called the Wiltshire Gallery to see what they had and while they were checking we went to the jewelery store in the middle of Innisfail, and there it was - a small, woven leather, Pandora bracelet with a silver bead clasp - just perfect. I went to pay for it and then realised that Megan might want one too (for the same reason as me) and she did so I got two of them. Then Rhonda said we really should get one for Ethan too - which made sense - but Megan said we couldn't get Ethan a Pandora because it was too 'girly'. Leave it to Megan to bring that to our attention... So we went into Mellicks at Rhonda's suggestion, and there once again, the perfect thing - a male's bracelet, kinda like a watchband made of silver (probably stainless steel) and a double black line (not sure what it is actually). Ethan loves it but I need to get a few of the brackets removed as it's a bit big.
So... the three of us have our commemorative (I still don't think that's the right word), memorial (perhaps that's a better term) bracelets. Not that we need to be reminded of you or of your death but as a way to keep you close to us for a while... it feels good, I like wearing it (although I do take it off when I take a shower).
I'll miss you for a long time John... I love you.
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