I really can't pick how it is that I actually feel... definitely lacking motivation to do much of anything - really had to make myself clean a Unit the other day (glad that I did in the end) and then yesterday I swept the leaves around the pool (also had to make myself do it - didn't get to it until mid-day) but otherwise, the only things that I seem to 'want' to do is sit on the sofa and stare out at the ocean. Having said that, I don't feel any strong emotions of any sort - so, that's why I'm thinking this must be what numb is.
It is strange though - I can have a nice chat with someone (like Rhonda) and enjoy the conversation, even have a bit of a laugh, or get a bit teary (if we're talking about you) but when I'm on my own there isn't really any feeling of emotion - I'm just here. I think about you a lot, and I think about 'what next' although those thoughts tend to be a bit fuzzy and I certainly haven't made any definite plans beyond going to the States in October (paid for the tickets yesterday) and going back to work in the new year. Although I will (hopefully Jamie won't have a problem giving me another few months sick leave) have to go back for the last month or so of this term which will give me time to clean out my office, go through all the computer files and be working before the end of the school year which will mean that I'll get (or should get anyway) my holiday pay.
I went to dinner with Rhonda last night, to the new Thai place - it was quite nice. I think you would have liked it, good food (different from the other place, but still nice) and cheaper. $25 each for entrees, mains and dessert. I still get this sensation in my head, well it's though my body really, that you're waiting for me to come home... and then I realise, no, you're not. I'm on my own and no one really (well, I keep in touch with the kids - though they were both at the Show yesterday) is expecting me home at any particular time. Weird.
Night times are a bit odd feeling, watching TV on my own, going to bed and being in bed on my own, sleep and waking up on my own... all odd. I'm okay though... it's just so different.
I was speaking with Rhonda yesterday - spent a bit of time together, two walks on the beach, coffee after our morning walk and then wine after our afternoon walk and then dinner - about my thoughts about being on my own. I moved out of my Dad's house on Palai Street in Hilo when I was 15 or 16 (can't exactly remember, guess I could work it out if I went back and looked at my Uni transcripts) because he was moving back to Puna and I had been accepted into the Community College and wanted to stay in Hilo. I moved into a shared house situation on Kilauea St, rode my bike to school and to work (I was working at the restaurant that later became Lehua's) and that was going really well for me. I met Joe when I was 16, and it wasn't that much later that we moved in together. We both had separate places initially but we were with each other constantly, and then we moved into his parent's house in Ainaloa, although I can't exactly remember when that was - whether I was 16 or 17 by that point. Anyway, we lived together until we broke up at the end of the year of 1985. We had both graduated from UHH in June of 1985, kept the band going - we were playing pretty regularly then - but I guess I was growing up and needed something new. It's not that Joe was a bad person, but I needed a change... so we split, I think it was in November.
We kept the band together and continued practicing and playing gigs - it was going okay and we had both been out with other people but nothing very serious for either one of us. And then you asked my out... March 16th was our first date... and wasn't I smitten! I wasn't looking for another serious or long-term relationship, well, I certainly don't remember thinking that at all but you were amazing and really I had always been attracted to you (you know the kind of increased heartbeat, tingling sensations, can't help smiling kinda of attraction every time I saw you - even if it was from a distance) so I always thought it was meant to be - I couldn't have stopped that attraction even if I wanted to. After an unsuccessful move to San Francisco with the band, I moved back to Hawaii and in with you in the summer of 1986 - and we were together ever since.
So, really, I haven't spent that much time on my own as an independent woman. While of course I still have the kids, I'm feeling that this is now my time to 'do it on my own' and I feel okay about that. I suppose at sometime down the track there'll be another long-term man in my life, and I expect in the nearer future (but not to near) I'll need a lover, or at least the occasional fling as I do still like, enjoy and want to have sex, but I'm feeling really strongly (oh, there's a feeling/emotion) that I want to do things on my own for a while. I want to make this place work and be successful (so that I can sell it for a good price in a few years), I want to continue my own career (although I haven't quite figured out in what direction just yet - I'll just work back in a school for a year or two until that becomes a bit clearer in my head) and I want to get both kids off successfully pursuing their particular interests and dreams.
I want to be able to honour our lives together and your live and influence on my life through continuing to live a good life and make good decisions - one's that we would have made together... and take it from there... not sure what it's all going to look like but I just can't see myself sitting here and pining away. That's just not the kind of person I am, and I don't think you'd want me to do that.
Know that I miss you, and that I didn't choose to take this path - while I might have wondered what it would have been like on my own, I never really wanted to do it that way - but now that I'm on it, I feel like (oh, another feeling) that I have to do it well and make the most of whatever opportunities present themselves, which means that I also need to be open to those opportunities.
The weather has finally gotten a bit nice - not raining at least. Still a bit overcast with sun splashes through-out the day, but warm.
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