I had a good day yesterday, really a pretty good weekend overall so I'm not sure why I'm feeling so out-of-sorts today. I didn't sleep very well last night which may be part of the reason... and, I'm not sure if I didn't sleep well last night because earlier in the evening I had said that our house 'didn't make weird noises at night', and had been thinking at different times recently how well I generally slept at night - so... did those things bring on a disrupted sleep last night? and if so, how does that work? My sub-conscious trying to 'protect me'??? It was weird though - I woke up / was woken up(?) at about 2.30am by what I thought was Ethan in my bathroom looking for a panadol... I know weird specific thought, but that was the first thing that came to my head. It seemed that I had heard footsteps and then drawers sliding and then panadol being looked for - very specific thoughts and sounds... but as I listened I began to think that the drawers sliding sound was really just the ocean and the waves on the sand - it was the calmest night we've had in a long while so there were a lot more 'sounds' to hear (as opposed to when the wind is howling and the waves crashing and the raining falling) - I was also hot so ended up getting up, using the toliet, and turning on the fan...
I woke up again about 3.30am by what seemed to feel like an earthquake - I know weird again... But I had that sensation of trembling, but in thinking about it, it also felt like it was a bit far away like feeling the shockwaves of an explosion... but I don't think anyone else felt / heard anything as neither kid said anything this morning... plus I think there was someone sitting at the bench infront of the neighbours so I think that periodically I was hearing them as well...
I don't know... both times I felt wide-awake, spent a bit of time thinking / wondering about what I'd heard / felt and then went back to sleep. I didn't feel overly concerned or anxious, more just curious (?) as to why I had woken up... and it's always weird because you're never quite sure about what's woken you up - if it's a noise or sensation it always seems to be more in your dream so hard to know how 'real' it is when you're actually awake...
So... did 'real' things actually wake me up, was it the big birthday dinner we had for Megan at Castaways? Nice dinner too - glad I remembered my local's discount! I think Megan enjoyed it too. Or was it the chocolate cake, cherries and cream we had for dessert? I didn't have that much really - I really felt full from dinner (and I didn't even finish mine - Ethan did). Or was it the one glass of red wine? Or any of the above????
And WHY???? do I feel so out-of-sorts today? I just feel a bit 'blah' or flat... lacking of motivation or any desire to do/think/feel much of anything... and I can feel a bit of a headache...
I had a really healthy fresh vege juice for breakfast this morning - carrots, beet, celery, ginger, lime and apple - very tasty and actually more filling than I would have expected. I didn't get my 'home' coffee (maybe that's it!) but I've had one here at work and am still feeling a bit low... maybe I'll feel better after a morning tea break.
Yesterday I did feel quite good though - better than I have in a while actually. A good nights sleep, a bit of a sleep in and a slow moving morning, blogged for the first time in two months. Went to the markets, bought some fruit had a couple of spring rolls and found a nice secret santa pressie... went to yoga - always good. Came home, had leftovers for lunch, did some fiddly things in the office/on the computer, skyped with Nahele and Kelly, phone call with my mom and had a nice dinner out with the kids... TV shows and then bed at a reasonable time...
Been really working on the 'being in the now', reminding myself to stay focused on 'now' and not spend too much time worrying about / anticipating the future or feeling sad about the past. I still miss you so much... saw one of the old guys that bike rides every day this morning on my way to work and it made me think of you in a sad way... I've also been working on enjoying and smiling during my memories/thoughts of you - I want them to be good and positive things, not moments that make me sad or want to not have them. I love thinking about you and what you used to do and our times together - I want those things to be positive for me and not sad all the time...
I really want to 'do this' right - whatever 'this' is... I want to learn my lessons, reach a higher level of consciousness, move forward more centred/balance/together, I want to live a 'better' life... although I think that I've been living a pretty good life so far, I want to be better/brighter/more balance/more peaceful/more purposeful... I want to be 100% involved with today, with clarity and purpose...
My plan is for the today to be better! and to get a better night's sleep tonight...
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