It's been a long while

It's been a long while since I've written although I've thought about writing lots... just haven't found the proper headspace and time to sit and put my thoughts down. Lots has happened since my last writing - it's been nearly 2 months. We took the trip back to the States and had two Memorial Services and spread your ashes (well, 1/2 of your ashes) into the ocean in front of the Puako ramp - I think it was the hardest (well, most emotionally ripping) thing that I've had to do since your death - more on that later, let me start from the beginning.

Celi was here for about 3 weeks before we left for the States - it was really good having her here (although I also found myself wanting 'alone' time, which I hadn't really gotten any of at that point as there were almost constantly people around - mom for a couple of weeks before Celi and then of course lots of friends coming by regularly). Anyway, it was good having Celi here, and all the other people that spent time with me (and the kids) - I suppose it was a distraction, as so many things have been over the last 4 months....

Distraction from what exactly?

From my sorrow - I still feel that, all the time. I have moments where 'life' feels okay and I feel almost happy, somewhat settled and generally okay with things... but then I'll feel my loss - my loss of you, my partner and anchor. I am working on not feeling lost, but I often still do - that feeling of 'what now' or 'what next' pops into my head...

The black cockatoos are back... noisy!! but lovely to look at flying around or when they are sitting on the trees/ground eating - I can't help but wonder what they are squawking about, what are they communicating to each other? Ah... another distraction...

So, what have I been 'distracted' from? That's what I've been calling things/activities - visitors, the trip to the States, dealing with the 'everyday' - distractions, but from what? Are they distractions from 'dealing with' your death? But what does that mean? 'Dealing with your death'??? I seem to refer to all of this often as 'part of the process' - the process of learning how to live without you? I suppose that's what it is, learning how to live without you being that integral part of my life, the person that I always thought about first when making plans, or thinking about 'what next'. Now I'm having to learn how to run this business on my own (that's another part of the story), be a good, supportive and involved parent, have a full-time job and everything else that needs to be done right now... learning how to be on my own, trust my own thoughts (without having you to discuss things or bounce my ideas off of or get your ideas to counter/balance mine...), figure out what I want to do ('I', all by myself - what is it that I want to do?) - is it different to what 'we' wanted to do together? Kinda... I know we never really decided to live in Costa Rica but I can't really see myself visiting there on my own...

The only thing that's really come to me about 'what next' is that I think I'd like to go back and live in Hawaii again - not sure for how long but for a season. I know it's something that you and I had discussed anyway, so perhaps it's not just a 'me' idea but it really felt good to be back there when we went for our visit. It felt good to be 'home' and to be around family (even though I'm sure it wouldn't take long for them all to drive me nuts!!), to eat familiar food (although I did gain weight!), and be in that sooo familiar surroundings - I really love Hawaii... Celi and I have discussed teaching at UHH - I really like that idea too. 2014 seemed to be the year... we both thought we probably needed that lead in time to get prepared, although I'm thinking more like 2013... I don't know 2014 seems so far away, but maybe it's really not...

So, back to distractions... maybe they haven't been distractions at all (first time I've considered it that way), maybe all of what's happened since your death (and perhaps all that's happened in our lives) are exactly what needed to happen to move us forward to the next step? I've been reading Echart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' - it takes a lot to get my head around it (it's all kinda heady stuff) but it seems to have a resonance that makes sense to me at the moment, at this moment as I try to make sense of my life now... I really, really do not want to 'dwell' in your death, and my loss... I think it's important that I don't get into the headspace of feeling sorry for myself, of berating the world/universe/god for my losing you and for your illness and death, of 'not moving forward' because of this major change/transition, or of 'getting stuck' here in this headspace... I want to be able to smile (and I'm getting there) when I think about you and our time together, to remember happily all the wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) experiences and learning that we shared. I want to be able to take everything that you were to me, that you taught me, gave me, shared with me and continue living a good, happy, purposeful life... so, I've been reading different things, having sessions with Margaret that really help, reminding myself to 'stay in the now', going to yoga (I went to a weekend yoga retreat that was really fantastic and certainly helped to find some balance), going to meditation class (last one for the year, but I'm working on incorporating some form of meditation into my day/week)...

So... since my last posting we've been back to the States - Hawaii for two weeks, Virginia for about 10 days, 3 days in DC (well we stayed in Virginia - Chantilly, but went into DC for two days), and 3 days in Santa Cruz with Kim and family... what a trip it was! I think we saw pretty much every family member, and most friends that we have kept in touch with over the years... except for some of the nieces and nephews, and I didn't get to see Jeff & Gay while we were in Virginia as he was called away to work at the last minute and couldn't get to the Memorial Service. All of your brothers and sisters came to Staunton/Churchville, which was pretty nice. I know your mother was very pleased that they had all made the effort and that they were all there, even your sister Liz. So, in the end it was a mini-Family Reunion - and you missed out!! Well, kinda - I suppose you were there in spirit, but it was cause for more than a few discussions and laughs that 1) the guy that said he'd never come back to the Northern Hemisphere was there (well your ashes made it as far as Hawaii...) in spirit? and 2) while you didn't want to 'do' another family reunion (I'm not sure that anyone did really) here we all were, having a family reunion (and it had been 5 years since the last so we were right on schedule!) because of you!!! It wasn't as long as previous one's (probably just as well) and of course Pat (your sister) wasn't actually there when everyone else was (I guess Jerry 'stood' in for her) because Jack was in a Houston hospital recovering from a burst appendix (just can't have a Hillery Family reunion without some kind of mishap!). We skyped her and Jack into the Memorial Service (technology, huh?) which was good and I left her a CD copy of the photo/music montage... What a time that was though - it was lovely to be with your family, there are all such good people and even Paul and Kath were so supportive... and your 'long lost' cousins even came from New Hampshire (Leo - boy did he have an accent), Margy from North Carolina and can't remember her name now, from Florida - cousins on the Hillery side, but really nice and very thoughtful for them to make the effort, I know your mother was pleased that they did so...

I think that your death has been hard on your mom... well hard on all of us but for your mom I think it's been difficult to get her head around. You know she loves you so much - perhaps because of your independence, or your earlier experiences with your father, or because you have been so consistently in touch over the years, and have been a consistent, successful adult - your mother takes pride in that. She misses you...

I miss you... I always knew that I loved you, more that I understood why actually... I hope you knew and understood how much... I certainly realise now, more than before how much... thank-you for being such an important part of my life...